to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

[EleanorEclipse]

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

The mad thing about this thread is that it's probably true. Out there is an entitled young woman who thinks her aunt will be thrilled to hand over half of the house for a couple of years.

I haven’t read the whole thread. Why not ask DS if she knows of people renting rooms or good reasonably priced rental areas. Let her offer. She may not want to share her house so less awkward for her to not offer than say no

20k is about £1400 a month after tax.

My DS pays £650 bills inc for a tiny tiny room in a decent shared house in zone 2 and cycles to work, so he could probably scrape by on this. (He earns more than 20k though and spends quite a lot).

I wouldn’t assume what your sister thinks. She may assume her niece wouldn’t want to live with her aunt. Sounded like she was excited at the thought of seeing her niece. I could ask my sister to let me and my kids live with her and I know she would be unlikely to see no if I was genuinely in need. I would keep a low profile and would never invite people over though. How about a gentle “ how would you feel if?” Or feeling the water with a jokey “ niece says she’s coming to stay with you” initially in joke to test the water.

I don’t know your daughter so won’t make any rude comments like ffs or she should grow up etc etc like quite a few other posters!

RoboticSealpup I'm with you. On £20k, take-home pay will be less than £1500 a month. Factor in London rent, travel costs, food, utilities and incidentals and there really is nothing left for the pub on a Friday let alone holidays.

I survived In London on a lot less, but in a shared house, not on a tube line. Had a blast. But rarely ate out, never had a holiday, not a lot of spare cash for spare clothes etc. Didn’t care though, had my independence, went clubbing and to dive bars a lot, went to cinema and theatre on bargain nights, or on stand by, barely saw the inside of a taxi - lots of night buses.
I work with lots of millennials who wouldn’t dream of doing what I did. They’re at home, in comfort with mum and dad, enjoying the TV package, free WiFi, free laundry, free meals while complaining how their parents are all up in their business all the time.
Maybe your DD should lower her standards and go stand in her own two feet.

£1400 a month goes nowhere in London! I remember my rent was £650, then I had bills, mobile phone, zone 2 travel card, student loan payments, food, clothes ... I had very little for any luxuries once all that was paid.

In the same situation, I'd suggest a trial month with my sister and offer her £450 per month rent plus food. But no pressure to accept. If your sister likes the set up they can extend the arrangement, if she doesn't she can just say no to the whole thing.

ASk if she can say with her for 3 weeks whist she looks for a house share in the same area. That way you are not taking the P. Also contact HR and ask about any chance of a notice going on internal webpage for a room to rent to other employees.

There are some potential benefits for the sister. The offer of rent for a start to help with some hefty large house running costs, having a house sitter if she goes away.....company?

Sorry I haven't read every single comment. A few things strike me here. Ealing isn't really 'London' and transport links aren't particularly fast into central London. Where is the job? If it's Hammersmith or something then OK but dd could find herself with a commute as long as travelling from much further out. I lived in Brentford (Zone 4) which at the time had cheap rent with a train into Waterloo rather than Paddington. Before that I lived in Shepherd's Bush where rents were half of Hammersmith next door.

When I earnt £20K, I paid rent of £700 a month, paid my travel and fed both myself and my husband on my salary...dd should be able to find somewhere for £200 a week! I think she's just in some dream about your ds house!

I think I would put a young relation up though, if I were in the aunt’s position: it’s tough for youngsters nowadays and some creative type jobs pay peanuts starting out.

I would be much less keen on her having her friends round though.

NO!!! I think your DD is being unfair and jumping ahead of herself. Is this an aunt that she has stayed with many times? Do they get on?
It’s one thing visiting and another living together.
I’m sure your DD will want to enjoy the social side of London. But her aunt may feel like a babysitter watching over her.
Can you not help with the rent?!

Just responding to the above. Ealing is very definitely London. Bizarre to say it isn't. Think you should discuss with your DD as she's the one who's moving in, possibly. And your DD should do the asking. Also why does it have to be a year or two? Just say 3 months to begin with, and see what transpires. Ludicrous to plan for longer. They may hate living together.

Why is she an entitled madam to think that she might be able to stay with her aunt?

Her two crimes appear to be a) Asking her DM if she could ask her sister on her behalf, possibly because they are closer and the sister would feel less awkward saying no to her? And b) Thinking that she could have friends around sometimes. If it's a nice house and nice location and her aunt is amenable, why not?

Most of these replies seem to have come from people who think they know the girl and her aunt. There is a possibility that her aunt would love to have her niece to live with her, but just assumes she's found something already.

Just ask her, but make sure neither you or your niece would harbour any negative feelings if she said no.

OP has gone

sober polly I'd love to see your figures - and did your husband contribute too, Polly? however there are flatshares for £500 for a doublebed even in centralish London zones and you can walk if you're lucky to find somewhere near your place of work, saving hundreds.

OP best thing is for your daughter to approach her aunt herself with fewer expectations and an offer of cash and a time limit on when she'll be there. And an agreement on house rules including no friends if that's what your sister wants.

I personally wouldn't ask her outright as even though you would say she doesn't have to say yes, she may feel obliged to. I would just discuss with her that your daughter has got this exciting opportunity (if you haven't already done so) then you could casually mention that she is currently looking for rental options and you didn't realise just how expensive it was to live in London, this may then get her thinking and she may just offer off her own back

OP I don't think your daughter is entitled or cheeky. Sounds to me like she could be overwhelmed by the thought of moving to London and sees her auntie as a good safe option. I also don't see a problem with you approaching your sister in the first instance either. Frankly that's fairer on your sis as I think she'd find it harder to say no to your daughter (if that was how she felt) than to you.

As others have said I'd make sure she knew there was no pressure (don't ask if you'll resent her saying no - she has every right). Offer to pay rent. Understand that she should be respectful and not ask to have friends round. And I agree with starting with 6 months until your daughter finds her feet in the city.

I know someone who works in retail in zone 1. She earns less than 20k. She lives in zone 5, runs a car, goes out and goes on holiday abroad every year. It is doable. I'm not convinced youd find a room for 200 per month though!!

Your daughter will be missing out on a lot of fun! When I first moved to London at 22 I shared a house with about 5 other young people. In between working hard, we had an enormous amount of fun and took loads of drugs and all slept with each other. Best years of my life.

I live in a zone 6 and my area is far from grotty with apartments starting at around 500,000.00.

I lived in London for a year on just £9000 of savings in 2016. Was living in a flat share in Tower Hamlets for £350 a month. Plenty of places available for £500 a month. Once I got a £25k job I moved into a £400/month flat in Islington 10 mins away from the tube.

You can definitely live in London for very little if you look properly. I found both my flatshare on spareroom.com and made friends for life.

Your daughter sounds very naive. She should work on gaining some independence and perspective. I learnt a lot from living on a budget, and from not depending so much on my parents.

I think it's a wonderful idea. My dd and her aunt have already decided to join up if the chance happens.

I'm not close with sil nor is dd but they enjoy each other's company.

As far as the living single stuff. I lived on my own from 18 on. It was awful.

If she wants to move to single living that's good. But better to get her barings straight first.

Congratulations! Uni is hard work for parents and dc!

There are some potential benefits for the sister. The offer of rent for a start to help with some hefty large house running costs, having a house sitter if she goes away.....company?

All of which she could achieve with a lodger, but she hasn't taken one. There is a reason for that.