to ask my sister to let my daughter live with her?

[EleanorEclipse]

My daughter is 22 and she graduated last year. We live in Manchester and she's received a fabulous job offer in London. Unfortunately, despite the job being closely aligned with her professional interests and providing an excellent first step into her chosen industry, the salary isn't really enough to sustain her in London (we've looked at rents, even for small or shared rooms) and I'm not in a position to help her, as much as I'd love to. My sister lives in Ealing though. She has a big, 4 bedroomed house and lives alone (she's 55 and divorced, no kids). We're not super close but we've always got on and been on good terms, although we're very different people: she was much more career-orientated than me.
I would like to ask my sister whether my daughter could live with her for a year or two. AIBU? And if not, how do you recommend I go about it? It seems like the perfect solution, and it's a big house so it's not as though they'd be in living each other's pockets.

I wonder if OP would consider taking in a lodger to live in her daughter's room and use part of the money generated after additional cost of bills is covered to help supplement her daughter's salary? Then it wouldn't be the aunt sacrificing her privacy for the daughter.

As plenty of others have said, without knowing the salary who can tell how realistic the OP and daughter are being? I imagine also they might be anticipating paying less than market rate to a family member...

If I were the aunt I would have her for 6 weeks while she finds her feet.

But your Dd surely has to make the request.

How do you think people on minimum wage manage to work in London OP? Of course your daughter’s salary will cover accommodation if she cuts her coat according to her cloth. Is Ealing even convenient for her commute? And there’s no question that a 22 year old ADULT about to start a job should be asking your sister herself. Or are you also going to be doing her work assignments for her?

I think the fact your sister has only offered lunch and shopping trips tells you all you need to know.

I wonder if OP would consider taking in a lodger to live in her daughter's room and use part of the money generated after additional cost of bills is covered to help supplement her daughter's salary? Then it wouldn't be the aunt sacrificing her privacy for the daughter.

That's a great idea! And also the one with the DD taking a second job to help pay her own market rent for a house/flatshare in London. Second jobs can be quite social and at that age you have tons more energy.

Be honest about what your daughter is like at home, do you fight over mess...
Remind her that if she stays out overnight a room mate won't care an aunt will demand answers.
No men over night.
No late night drinking...

alfagirl73 has this spot on
You say that the salary for this job is not enough to sustain your DD... be honest though - do you mean not enough to cover rent, food, bills etc... or do you mean not enough to cover all that plus luxuries, lots of nights out, etc... perhaps the standard of living she has been enjoying while not having the responsibility of paying for lodgings, bills etc...? I lived in London in my early 20's on a very low salary and yes, it is entirely doable in a houseshare/flatshare... but I very quickly and harshly leaned that I was going to have to economise and that a "nice" lifestyle in London was something to be earned. Unless you're the child of a millionaire already living in London, chances are you're going to spend at least the first few years in accommodation that isn't ideal and learning how to prioritise your money. There are great opportunities in London but working your way up is not glamorous or easy - you have to prove yourself. Many people I worked with had second jobs - bar work at the weekend - to top up their salaries.

Your DD think that having a “London lifestyle” is there for the grabs once you move to the cityS it really doesn’t work like that. Professional in their 30s often live in house shares, never mind those just starting their careers.

@Mousetolioness - That's a really great idea!

I find the tone of some of the responses on here very odd, and a little sad. No way would I see my niece and nephew in some shitty flatshare if I had three - three! - bedrooms available. Families are supposed to look out for each other.

Families are under no obligation to “look out for each other” if they don’t want to.

DonaldTwain Looking after each other is a two-way street. Otherwise it is just using someone because they are family.

I can see why you’d think it was a good idea OP ( if you’re still here! ) to ask your sister but in her shoes I would hate to be asked.
It’s a big ask. Maybe put a time constraint on it so it’s not a open ended thing.

Judging from the DD's sense of entitlement, I wouldn't even offer a month or two, I reckon she would dig her heels in and be impossible to chuck out when the time came.

DonaldTwain

On paper, my husband and I have 3 bedrooms available (one is actually a study, so really two).

In practice, he has Asperger's, so home is his safe place. He really struggles with people about.

I work a very busy job, where I'm interacting with people all day. I'm an introvert. I would struggle if there was someone else I had to interact with at home.

I would try to help for a short time with family but it would not be easy and we definitely could not do it for 2 years - just until they found somewhere else.

In this case, the aunt lives alone, probably by choice, and has already indicated in advance that she's not planning to change this (talk of lunches and shopping trips).

I might consider offering a room to my eldest nephew, but not necessarily my niece. Unless she changes as an adult.

So, it may well depend on family.

Your sister will be put in a very awkward position. And it's not about the spare bedrooms, it's about the fact that she will not feel privay in her own home, especially as she is used to living alone in this large house. Presumably she likes this. She would actually be giving up quite a lot with somebody else there (not to mention the friends and parties your DD is planning already!)

The fact that she has not offered it, and only suggested meeting up with your DD, says it all.

Your DD has to suck it up and houseshare, the same as we all did when starting out.

I would recommend that your DD looks into becoming a lodger with an elderly landlady? I did that before I bought my own flat. It has its limitations but I had a lovely landlady who I got on very well with.

Granted, I was in my early 30s so it didn't occur to me to invite friends around.

"The idea came from her, although she doesn't see her aunt that much so she asked me to think about it and intercede on her behalf."

Honestly, no I would NOT ask my sister. I would tell my adult 22 year-old daughter that this has to come from her.

Mousetolioness Sun 24-Mar-19 13:19:19
I wonder if OP would consider taking in a lodger to live in her daughter's room and use part of the money generated after additional cost of bills is covered to help supplement her daughter's salary? Then it wouldn't be the aunt sacrificing her privacy for the daughter.

I think that's far better than your daughter expecting her aunt to give up her privacy, actually. lIt also means your daughter loses the 'ownership' of her room, her private space, her privacy in a way. That might make her think about what she's expecting other people to give up.

I would recommend that your DD looks into becoming a lodger with an elderly landlady?

What have old ladies done to deserve such a fate?

To be honest I think DD has set her sights on her aunt's house.
Oh dear. She may be disappointed.

Ealing is a longish commute into the city

It's not. The central line is quick and easy.

You can get a fasr train straight into Paddindton.

The closer to the city you get,
the more expensive it is. Ealing is zone 3 and is fine.

A lot of good flatshares in Ealing. A bit presumptuous of your daughter to look forward to having friends round.

I'm looking forward to your sisters CF thread in the next few weeks.
I can see it now.

I would recommend that your DD looks into becoming a lodger with an elderly landlady?

Nooooo! I'm an elderly lady and I don't want this entitled madam living in my house.