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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy didn't tell me this

204 replies

Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 19:33

Okay this might sound like a non issue but it's affecting me right now and I just need quick replies.

I have social anxiety, quite bad. Meeting new people is a struggle.

Been dating new guy for 3 weeks, he's aware of social anxiety. When dating people it takes a lot to meet family and friends.

Meeting new guy tonight at the pub, he meets me at the station we get to the pub and his friend is there. Its so awkward, can't remember the last time I felt that awkward also there was no warning, it took 2 hours to travel to him and I'm staying for the night, just thought we were going for a low ley drink, had no idea. Also more people are due to turn up. He's wondering why I'm so quiet. I'm in the toilets crying which I know is so pathetic, please just talk me out of feeling this way and go back out there

OP posts:
category12 · 23/03/2019 22:05

I don't think it's normal to arrange a date with someone who's travelling 2 hours to see you and then turn it into hanging out with your mates.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 22:06

Why not? That's where all the fun is at! Where you can get to know what they're like?

Ohyesiam · 23/03/2019 22:08

very nice
You need to back off. I e reported your continually goading someone who is upset.

category12 · 23/03/2019 22:08

No it's not. It's not obligatory to enjoy drinking with strangers down the pub.

HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 22:10

I've reported verynice too, I don't think they have good intentions.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

stofi · 23/03/2019 22:12

A two hour journey would make me anxious for a start, no quick escape route if needed. I think OP must be out of the loo and feeling calmer now hopefully.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 22:13

Oh do your worst.

HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 22:14

I think OP must be out of the loo and feeling calmer now hopefully

Hopefully the radio silence means she's doing better and enjoying the date! Grin

Crunchymum · 23/03/2019 22:23

OP, social anxiety is awful. Given the extent of your suffering I'm surprised you feel comfortable enough to travel 2 hours for an overnight stay? Maybe you need to slow it down? Its been 3 weeks.....

kateandme · 23/03/2019 22:24

ToeToToe that was a really kind post

sagradafamiliar · 23/03/2019 22:34

Crunchy I think the OP is the best judge of her limitations and triggers.
Hope she's having a great time now Smile

WorraLiberty · 23/03/2019 22:46

I don't think this bloke truly understands the severity of your social anxiety and that's ok really because why would he?

I don't mean it's 'OK' as in you should just 'get over it' btw. I mean it's 'OK' as in it doesn't make him a bad person because not everyone will understand it.

Having said that, it does sound quite severe OP, so therefore I think you'd be best to knock the idea of dating on the head until you can find meaningful help that works.

Good luck Thanks

Ilovemypantry · 23/03/2019 22:55

Wow! MN really does bring out the best and the worst in people.

VallarMorghulis · 23/03/2019 23:02

Hi OP I'm sorry you are feeling this way. If you're still feeling super anxious, can you try doing an ice dive?
https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/how-to-calm-down-from-extreme-emotions-in-30-seconds

The simplest way is to splash your face with cold water (or you can use a flannel), especially in the area between your eyes and your cheekbones. It will calm you down really quickly.

Try, it really works. Thanks

OfficeSlave · 23/03/2019 23:03

But what youre not getting is not everybody wants to meet mates when you are a mere three weeks and five dates in. At that stage she is dating him, not his mates. Thats not 'fun' to everyone! I can see why it would be to some, but why can't you see it isn't to everyone?

And it wasnt just the problem of the one mate, it was that there was more on the way = not just a quick pint with his one mate then their one to one date resumes, and she can relax again. but an evening of strangers. not everyone likes big crowds, new people, small talk, not even in the safety of a cosy local. After five dates i also wouldnt be up for the 'sooooo, hows it going?' chats every time your date is out of earshot.

Just driven two hours, probably got date adrenaline too, with no idea that this wasn't a one to one. I hate this assumption that to be a successful human being you have to 'oh relaaax, go with the flow' like youre a complete bore or something wrong with you if you dont enjoy it.

At 18 i went on a 2nd or 3rd date with someone and he'd brought his mate along, without telling me. He tagged on for the entire night! I was bemused, but continued on, it was ok but not the date that we had planned and if that happened now i would laugh and say see ya, have a good night! Grin

YouSayRisottoIsayRisotto · 23/03/2019 23:31

Not rtft but anxiety issues aside inviting someome else on your date after someone travels 2 hours to see you is very rude.

Whether he gets your anxiety or not... that was pretty crap.

BorsetshireBlew · 24/03/2019 06:54

Why not? That's where all the fun is at!

OMG no it's not. How tedious to be forced to sit in the pub with a group of mates when you barely know the guy you're dating! What kind of fun would that be? Dreadfully boring to most people.

Bluntness100 · 24/03/2019 07:34

I think some people are getting confused.

The fact his friend was there when she arrived may or may not be rude depending on your perspective. What rhe issue here is though she sat and cried in the loos about it for a prolonged period due to her mental health.

Being pissed off, or a little annoyed, wishing to go on elsewhere, these are normal reactions. Sitting in the toilets sobbing is not, neither is still feeling anxious hours later.

This isn't about was he rude or not, it's about the ops extreme reaction to the situation. It's very difficult to be involved with someone if they always need advance notice of meeting people. And will sob if they meet someone unexpectedly, so for the ops sake, hopefully she is seeking help to over come this, and develop coping mechanisms to help her through daily life.

Skittlesss · 24/03/2019 08:40

How are you today, OP?

Original poster
Dramallamaaaa · 24/03/2019 09:03

I manage my anxiety fine to the point people at work are shocked when I tell them about it. I hold down a client facing job and cope, also taking meds, I do fine.

Two hour journey was just because of bus replacements, usually doesn't take that long. I would have coped if he had said we're going for a quick drink with my friend, but he didn't. Would have thought it was a bit soon but would have been alright. It was the shock more than anything

I'm not angry at him, he didn't know. We went back to his and I had a panic attack in his bathroom then came down and spoke to him about it, he apologies and said he'd give me a warning next time so all good

OP posts:
CharlyAngelic · 24/03/2019 09:06

Pleased you have got it sorted for you .

Skittlesss · 24/03/2019 09:14

he apologies and said he'd give me a warning next time so all good

Meeting up with friends should be a joint agreement, not something he arranges then gives you a warning about.

ittakes2 · 24/03/2019 09:42

I have anxiety but not that sort of social anxiety - and I would have been upset about thinking I was going out on a date and it ended up being with a friend there - unless there was a really good explanation. Maybe you are not socially compatible. I have a best friend - her and her husband love company - they even had someone join them on their honeymoon! They always had people over. But me - I'm different - I like one to one with my hubby. We are all different.

Eliza9917 · 24/03/2019 09:50

5 dates is too soon to meet his best friend but not to stay over for the 2nd time??