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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy didn't tell me this

204 replies

Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 19:33

Okay this might sound like a non issue but it's affecting me right now and I just need quick replies.

I have social anxiety, quite bad. Meeting new people is a struggle.

Been dating new guy for 3 weeks, he's aware of social anxiety. When dating people it takes a lot to meet family and friends.

Meeting new guy tonight at the pub, he meets me at the station we get to the pub and his friend is there. Its so awkward, can't remember the last time I felt that awkward also there was no warning, it took 2 hours to travel to him and I'm staying for the night, just thought we were going for a low ley drink, had no idea. Also more people are due to turn up. He's wondering why I'm so quiet. I'm in the toilets crying which I know is so pathetic, please just talk me out of feeling this way and go back out there

OP posts:
PutyourtoponTrevor · 23/03/2019 19:48

Are his friends still there, how many are there?

Original poster
Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 19:49

No but you'd give someone a warning wouldn't you!! Fucking hell

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 19:50

Id be fine if I had a warning!, also think 5 dates is too soon to meet friend!

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 23/03/2019 19:50

Are his friends there?

Original poster
Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 19:50

We are back at his now but still feel awkward and anxious

OP posts:
Babdoc · 23/03/2019 19:50

OP, perhaps he thought if he told you in advance you’d have longer to get worked up and anxious about it?
If he doesn’t understand social anxiety, he might have thought he was doing the right thing and you’d be fine once you met the friends and found they were welcoming.
That would be very different (and more forgivable) then him just not caring whether you would be upset or not.
Take some time to calm down, have a nice evening with him alone at his place, and explain things to him when you feel able to talk coherently without crying.
Presumably if the relationship lasts, you will at some stage want to meet his friends and family, but it needs to be on your terms and in numbers you can cope with.

Tunnockswafer · 23/03/2019 19:51

Do you have any strategies for calming yourself that you can use, so the evening is not a complete loss?

nonevernotever · 23/03/2019 19:53

Is it possible that he thought it would be easier for you not to know - and worry - in advance? I think tunnockswafer has it. If he's otherwise a potential keeper, I would get back out there and try not to let it get to you. It's one of those things that is really really hard to do, but if you can manage it, it does get easier.

IvanaPee · 23/03/2019 19:54

Are you seeking help for this, OP?

If he doesn’t know the extent of your anxiety, which sounds pretty full-on, he might have thought it was better to not make a big deal out of it beforehand.

It’s not that big a deal. A drink in the pub is pretty standard. I wouldn’t think much of it, tbh.

Zebedee88 · 23/03/2019 19:57

Maybe he didn't tell you because he thought you would be worrying about it, and it would make it worse?

IvanaPee · 23/03/2019 19:58

I would try to explain, too.

I’ll be honest; this wouldn’t be for me in his shoes. For a few reasons, I couldn’t be in a relationship with this so IF there was a possibility of him being the same, you’re better off knowing now.

What I’m saying is worst case, he can’t handle it and it’s better to know now before becoming more invested.

Best case, he understands and doesn’t do something like this again!

Myl0w · 23/03/2019 19:58

I hate having things spring on me. I’d much rather have warning. Maybe he did it thinking it would help so you didn’t worry but it’s just awful. Perhaps say you’re feeling unwell and go home and talk to him about it another day.

SexNotJenga · 23/03/2019 19:59

What help are you getting for your anxiety?

Anxiety disorder is not a lifelong condition. It doesn't have to be like this. Your anxiety is clearly getting in the way of you living a normal life. Please get help for it sooner rather than later.

TinselAndKnickers · 23/03/2019 20:00

Even if my friend who is known for years did this I'd be a bit annoyed so I can imagine how you feel! Go home and relax Thanks

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 23/03/2019 20:00

Your social anxiety is a red herring here (although it sounds awful and I’m sorry Flowers)

Anxiety or not, it is so not cool to spring a meeting with all your friends on someone you’ve only been dating for three weeks, on your fifth date, without even telling them!

Not even a ‘by the way my friends are already there’ on the way to the pub?!

I think you should just call a cab and head home now. Really hope you’re ok!

Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:02

That sounds crippling. Have you tried counselling? What are you afraid of? It's just the two of you now. Can you calm down do you think?

justthecat · 23/03/2019 20:04

You’re clearly uncomfortable , if you’re not happy leave.

Foodylicious · 23/03/2019 20:04

I'm a bit confused
In the first post you say that more friends are due to turn up
Also that you are in 'the toilets'

10 minutes later you are back at his in his toilet, and you then say 'they' were already there - implying friends already I the pub, though before you said just one frei d and others 'due'

Do you maybe want to start again??

ClingFilmApplications · 23/03/2019 20:05

Back at his - just the two of you?
Or back at his - everyone?

OfficeSlave · 23/03/2019 20:06

He absolutely should have told you!

You have told him about social anxiety. Whatever he was thinking, he got it wrong. The only excuse i can think of is you really are still strangers and don't know each other properly and he completely misjudged how you would feel. 5 dates is such a short amount of time! I do agree that at the average 5 date mark youre still working each other out, not meeting the friends! I get why you are feeling this way.

It could just be he thought it would be easier you not knowing, knowing you are socially anxious. And thought it would (miraculously) be ok for you.

Or, some people do this as sone kind of 'test' or worse still, series of tests, when dating and its not on! They want to see how you will perform.

The longer you stay holed up the more awkward you will feel. Get out there and talk, explain how you feel, just ask, why he did it that way. In a calm way. His response will let you know what to do. If youre too annoyed and upset, just go home (only if fit to drive physically and emotionally!) x

BorsetshireBlew · 23/03/2019 20:06

I'd be fuming if a man invited his friends on a date with me without asking and I don't have anxiety! What a twat

RaffertyFair · 23/03/2019 20:06

I'd be pissed off if I thought I was going on a 'date' with new boyfriend and he'd arranged with others to be there without letting you know.

The fact you have social anxiety just makes it worse Flowers. I'm glad he listened and left the pub with you.

Flaverings · 23/03/2019 20:06

I don't think YABU, you sound really unhappy and I feel sad for you sat in the bathroom typing this Flowers

FWIW I think that three weeks is very early to be expecting him to help you manage anxiety this bad. Travelling for two hours and stopping over three weeks in seems a bit too much too, I'm wondering if you're quite young and whether that's normal in the era of online dating??

topcat2014 · 23/03/2019 20:08

OP, I hope things work out for you - but, having no experience of these things myself, without detailed explanations I am not sure I would have really known what anxiety is and what it implies. I only really come across it on MN

After all, most people get anxious sometimes - and the most typical response is just to throw yourself into something and hope for the best.

So, whilst it appears obvious to you what your date should have done or not done it may not have appeared that way to him.

SwimmingKaren · 23/03/2019 20:10

You poor thing, anxiety is so cruel sometimes.Flowers

I’d say he absolutely doesn’t get it but that’s not saying anything bad about him, he just doesn’t understand how this has made you feel which is fair enough, lots of people don’t in my experience. Horrible for you though. Do your best tonight and then explain to him in a quieter moment. As it’s going well, these people will probably be your friends too one day and you’ll be able to look back on tonight and laugh. Sending hugs.

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