New guy didn't tell me this

[Dramallamaaaa]

Okay this might sound like a non issue but it's affecting me right now and I just need quick replies.

I have social anxiety, quite bad. Meeting new people is a struggle.

Been dating new guy for 3 weeks, he's aware of social anxiety. When dating people it takes a lot to meet family and friends.

Meeting new guy tonight at the pub, he meets me at the station we get to the pub and his friend is there. Its so awkward, can't remember the last time I felt that awkward also there was no warning, it took 2 hours to travel to him and I'm staying for the night, just thought we were going for a low ley drink, had no idea. Also more people are due to turn up. He's wondering why I'm so quiet. I'm in the toilets crying which I know is so pathetic, please just talk me out of feeling this way and go back out there

Just say you're not feeling well and get a taxi home now. Take care.

don’t normalise it and don’t expect others to pander to it, that isn’t good for anyone, least of all you

The OP has severe social anxiety but is not letting it overtake her life. She is dating and has explained the situation to her new boyfriend.

And she has explained on this thread that she is able to cope in wider social circles if she has warning and time to prepare herself.

These are real positives and demonstrate that the OP is being proactive and using successful strategies.

I don't view sensitivity and support from others as "pandering".

Combatting anxiety can be a long process and small steps are important. Tough love and "no pandering" can be counter productive and damaging.

Keep up the good work OP!

And if you think I don't know what I'm talking about, let me tell you a story

Make your own thread if you want to, stop projecting onto the OP.

You don't know what the OP has gone through and you don't know what I or other posters have gone through either.

This isn't about one-upping in terms of trauma, this is about a poster clearly in distress who needs support rather than judgement.

OP hasn't lived your experience though very and you haven't lived hers. You can only speak for yourself.

xici, she says that's not what happened.

He met her at the station. She thought it was a date.

It wasn't that she turned up at the pub and he happened to be there with his mates. I agree that'd be different.

Hi OP.

I have had crippling anxiety over the years. I'm now in my mid-40s. If you see my posting history, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I used to drink to self-medicate the anxiety (beyond terrible idea). In your shoes back in my twenties I'd have got completely plastered so that speaking to anyone and their dog eventually felt fine, shortly before falling off my chair and humiliating myself. So WHATEVER happens tonight for you, it cannot be anything like as bad as what I'd have done back then.

Sober me in your shoes would break things down into manageable chunks. So I CAN splash my face with water and dry my eyes and patch up my face. I can do that. Then I can go back into the living room and sit wherever I feel most comfy. I don't have to speak much at all if I don't want. I'll ask for music to be put on if it makes me feel better. I'll have a plan in my head that I'll stay for half an hour. Then I can make an excuse and leave. Or I can try and stay for another half an hour after that. If I feel up to chatting I'll ask questions and really listen to the responses as that helps me stay in the moment more.... etc...

I don't think it's fair to expect someone new to understand your anxiety. He may be thinking, "social anxiety - so no big groups/parties?" that sort of thing. He's done nothing wrong here. I know you think he has, but it's your anxiety telling you that.

I know you just wanted to post about this evening, but if you don't want to live like this then you need to see your GP and consider talking therapies and possibly meds. Both have changed my life so much for the better (along with not drinking like Richard Burton for a long time now). The problem with the fight or flight cycle which you are living in at the moment is that it's oddly addictive and it takes commitment to a lot of work to change it - nutrition (eliminating a lot of things), fitness, therapies, maybe meds. Maybe you are already getting some help? If so I would revisit it now though to think about how well it's working and consider other/all options.

You don't know what the OP has gone through and you don't know what I or other posters have gone through either.

This isn't about one-upping in terms of trauma, this is about a poster clearly in distress who needs support rather than judgement

Exactly HarrysOwl

Let's not start Trauma Top Trumps. It's not helpful or necessary.

Each of us can only be the expert of our own experience. We cannot know what it is like for another or what will help them.

Just because something worked for one person, does not mean the same approach will work for anyone else.

We are all different.

@OfficeSlave

For ffs, there's always some who can never understand that not everyone is like them or an extrovert or a 'social butterfly' and that some feel differently and that its perfectly normal. 'you shouldnt date/how do you live/do you work' etc. Not everyone relishes meeting new people, being sociable or being in large groups of people or having things sprung on them! It doesnt always mean they need 'help' either, they are just different to you!

Of course some people do need help if it is debilitating, but newsflash: There are people who aren't socially anxious/suffering from anxiety that would find what happened to the OP annoying or make them uncomfortable. And this 5 dates being 'fair game for anything' is all dependent on how well you know each other and at what stage you are at, how fast things are moving etc. 5 dates is nothing to some, still early stages and to others it might already be a relationship. It depends!

This. ^ Well said! I get so pissed off with folk thinking everyone should be like them, (hugely extrovert social butterflies!) and there's something 'wrong' with you if you're not.

@Verynice I am sorry for what happened to you, but it's not fair to say 'If I can do it so can you That's just so judgemental, and very patronising and condescending.. Agree with @HarrysOwl* you need to stop projecting.

I think 5 dates is too soon to be thinking of shagging anyone at all (unless you have a history of friendship).

That aside, I agree with PP who say your BF might have thought that 'social anxiety' is a synonym for 'a bit shy with new people'.

It's really sad how few people on this thread understand social anxiety.
"Get help"- not so easy if you have panic attacks every time you even think about going to a doctor

Hope you're OK, OP.
Meeting a while bunch of new people is a nightmare, even without anxiety.

I'm not doing top trumps trauma. In fact I haven't mentioned it until 10 minutes ago. But since you are all discrediting my advice, I thought you deserved to know where I'm coming from. I could still be sitting in that flat, never leaving the house, but I got help. It's not easy, but it's entirely necessary if you wish to lead a normal life. It's also a message that you can actually recover and that what he did by meeting you in a pub with his friend also there is entirely normal and a situation the OP is going to have to deal with day in day out if she is to lead anything resembling a normal life. The other message is that I needed psychiatric help.

I think some people are projecting their own mental health issues onto the op here, and it needs to be recognised everyone is on her side. There should not be some form of attacking each other on here.

Bottom line is the ops reaction is extreme and crippling, she is mentally very unwell and needs to seek help, none of us know if she has or not.

It's highly likely a man she has met four times would not understand when she said she had social anxiety it was this extreme. Many people wouldn't. It's fairly normal to meet a friend and potentially go on elsewhere or separate off when a date arrives. As said, no one has done anything wrong here and I doubt his actions were malicious. More he didn't realise what he was dealing with.

And the op herself is in an element of denial. She says it's not crippling whilst in the loo for an extended period crying because she had to meet his mate without warning, most people can realise this is crippling and extreme, but it's the ops norm.

There is nothing wrong and everything right with articulating this to her and urging her to seek medical help, further or otherwise.

Op I can totally understand you wanted to be prepared for meeting the friend.

However, you say your anxiety isn't crippling, but you're still in the toilet crying hours after it happened and after he's gone home with you alone straight away. This shows a bit of an extreme and prolonged reaction, which I think hints at you needing some help to deal with these kind of situations.

Yeah, you ARE doing top trumps trauma @Verynice .. You are making this thread about you. As a pp said, make your own thread and stop hijacking this one.

I think you should think hard about dating at all with a phobia / anxiety as big s this.

You need medical help to sort it.

The best way to overcome it is by doing what you dread. Maybe you can get help so you can join in more things socially and meet men that way?

It's a huge ask to get someone you have known for 5 weeks to understand the extent of your anxiety.

Meeting someone's friend in a pub for a casual drink, even if not planned, is normal and most people would feel slightly anxious.

I don't think you can have explained to your date how bad your anxiety is.

Given you live 2 hrs away- you said it took that long to reach him tonight- can you get home safely?

If you’d said to my DH you had ‘social anxiety’ he wouldn’t have a clue what you were on about. He’s not horrible or insensitive, he just wouldn’t understand. Could it be the same for this man? I know you’re upset but something like that wouldn’t bother most people so your reaction is probably quite a shock to him. My first date with my husband ended up with an old friend of his drunk and perched at the end of our table. I thought it was hilarious but it obviously wouldn’t appeal to others.

verynice, if you think the OP's date is normal, then you still need some help. And there's nothing wrong with that. But settling for someone who treats you badly is not healthy. If you do that, then stop, and seek support. Don't encourage the OP to do it, and don't make out it has to do with her mental health.

“Get help"- not so easy if you have panic attacks every time you even think about going to a doctor

Afineexample Nobody said it was easy. It’s bloody hard - I’ve done it myself. But it has to be done. There is no magic cure. Recovery takes a lot of hard work, from the sufferer. Nobody else can do it for you.

Im amazed youre dating tbh. I dont think tou should be until you seek help.

So much ignorance about common mental health problems. You are neither smart nor well-informed to be advising the OP that she shouldn't be dating.

And I also think it’s sweet that he already wants to introduce you to friends, he’s obviously proud of you. I do think your social anxiety is extreme and must really affect your life. Could you get help for it?

don't beat yourself up for feeling this way.anxiety is terrible and so complex and sadly many without it don't understand it.and sometimes that can be ignorance but sometimes it can be slightly misjudged thinking of a still kind person.which one do you think your man is?
don't sit there and punish yourself though.that will continue the cycle of fear,hate,shame fear,etc and youll become immobile.
one step at a time.so dab your face.hand on your heart "I can do this,i am strong enough"feel the comfort you can bring to yourself through touch to your chest.and then begin.up off the seat.one foot then the other.open the door. and begin. you don't need to be embaressed or feel shamed or anything just go out there smile pleasantly.
or do you think its gotten too much and youd really like to go home.that is ok too.you have to be kind to yourself.its no use spinning yourself out and then feeling worse.you could just say "sorry I think im coming down with something and I feel I need to go home to bed"?

SarahAndQuack

You seem to be reading another thread.

They met and they went for a drink. Turned out his friend was there too- they'd met after work.

This is not treating someone badly. Only someone with a warped sense of entitlement (and I don't mean the OP) would react so strongly if they found their date's best friend was in the pub.

Given they have had 4 or 5 dates and this was a drink in a pub then back to his place (alone we assume) a quick drink with a friend of his is hardly out of order.

There is nothing wrong and everything right with articulating this to her and urging her to seek medical help, further or otherwise

No, but that's been suggested plenty of times in the first few pages.

Harking on about how 'not normal' her reaction is (which feels natural, instinctive and overwhelming to her) is likely to cause shame and self-loathing for not being 'normal', on top of feeling anxious.

That could be quite damaging. Why can't posters focus on being supportive by reassuring the OP rather than 'Oh my GOD you need help'.

"It's all okay OP, this will pass, you're doing really well for being out, tomorrow can you make an appointment with your GP to talk about these feelings"

Sounds very different to:

"Sitting in the toilets crying is a total over reaction your date has done nothing wrong and this behaviour just isn't normal, you need psychisctic help, and by the way don't date because you'll be an emotional leech."