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AIBU?

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Original poster

New guy didn't tell me this

204 replies

Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 19:33

Okay this might sound like a non issue but it's affecting me right now and I just need quick replies.

I have social anxiety, quite bad. Meeting new people is a struggle.

Been dating new guy for 3 weeks, he's aware of social anxiety. When dating people it takes a lot to meet family and friends.

Meeting new guy tonight at the pub, he meets me at the station we get to the pub and his friend is there. Its so awkward, can't remember the last time I felt that awkward also there was no warning, it took 2 hours to travel to him and I'm staying for the night, just thought we were going for a low ley drink, had no idea. Also more people are due to turn up. He's wondering why I'm so quiet. I'm in the toilets crying which I know is so pathetic, please just talk me out of feeling this way and go back out there

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2019 21:38

jingling, she says that is not what happened.

She says he met her from the train. She'd travelled for two hours to be there for a date which she was given to understand was the two of them. Then, when they got to the pub, his friend was there and there were more of his friends turning up.

That's weird, for a fifth date. No one travels two hours to meet people they've never met, unless that's pre-arranged. It is not at all the same as if they'd just popped into the local and happened to find his mates there.

JinglingHellsBells · 23/03/2019 21:38

You are neither smart nor well-informed to be advising the OP that she shouldn't be dating

Oh and you are?

If someone has a crippling phobia or MH issue which means they cannot cope with what most people consider a normal social event, then yes, they should think about if they are ready to date. To date, people need to be emotionally stable, with good self esteem as dating can be tough.

why? Because it means they are on the back foot right from the start. They need a date who understands 100% how they feel and this is a big ask for anyone who they hardly know.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/03/2019 21:39

I woulden't be happy if my date invited random friends in our dates without warning, how rude!

JinglingHellsBells · 23/03/2019 21:40

Sarah- I thought she said her date and his mate had gone to the pub after work and the mate was still there, so he left his mate, met her off the train and they went back to the pub.

If I' ve misread, apologies.
It may not be the date she expected and it's a little rude perhaps, but a lot of women would have taken it in their stride and thought nothing of it.

JaneEyre07 · 23/03/2019 21:41

Your anxiety sounds very selective OP.

You've known this man 3 weeks and are staying at his house overnight but you can't meet his friend in the pub................................

ToeToToe · 23/03/2019 21:42

Ok sweetie, this sounds awful for you, and I'm so sorry he didn't realise how anxiety-inducing this would be for you.

I'd just like to tell you that people with no social anxiety have no idea how stressful this would be for you - I wouldn't.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid at meeting new people on a 5th date (in the situation you describe here) - I would be pleased to meet a mate of his (you can tell a lot about people by who their friends are!)

But obviously this is not the case for you. Don't feel bad about it - deep breaths.

You have 2 choices - take a deep breath, take some time to calm yourself a bit, and go out and carry on - or invent a sudden not-being v well at all scenario, and have to go home. Do the one you want to do. If you choose the first, explain to him that you get very nervous meeting new people and that you need some warning first. Like really need some warning. Or do this at a later date - but do tell him - his reaction should tell you what you need to know.

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2019 21:42

Oh, come on!

It is not a normal social event to find that when you've travelled for two hours to meet a bloke you've very recently started dating, that he's decided to jack in your date for an evening down the pub with mates.

I mean, really? It'd be rude if they were down the local pub 20 minutes from her house. But she posted at 7.30 on a Saturday night. In a lot of places, that could mean she can't get a train home until tomorrow morning. I think it is a total dick move to expect her to be ok with a change of plans in this situation.

JinglingHellsBells · 23/03/2019 21:43

SarahandQuack He was hanging out with his friend prior to us meeting.

It's a little rude BUT it's not a biggie or shouldn't be and he offered to take her home as soon as she said she was unhappy.

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2019 21:44

And, ok, cross post, but jingling, would you really take it in your stride if you'd been travelling for two hours?

I am beginning to think a lot of people missed these details in the OP.

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2019 21:45

It's a little rude BUT it's not a biggie or shouldn't be and he offered to take her home as soon as she said she was unhappy.

Yes, but that still means she'd have spent four hours on Saturday night travelling. This is quite a lot!

Noonooyou · 23/03/2019 21:47

I would hate this too, op. 5 dates in 3 weeks is not a long time to know someone. It'd be different if he had said 'me and a couple of mates are going to grab a drink at the pub, did you want to join?' That way you are free to say yes or no. But the fact that you had no idea they'd be there makes it all so different..

Verynice · 23/03/2019 21:47

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category12 · 23/03/2019 21:47

Jane, Can you not comprehend how having to socialise with strangers unexpectedly would be more challenging than meeting a guy you've dated a few times? Hmm

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2019 21:49
Confused

Never said it was the work of a sadist. I don't know why you'd just to that conclusion.

It's just crappy dating. He's not worth it. She shouldn't have to feel there's something wrong with her that she expects a bit more.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 21:52

But there is something wrong! She can't cope with her date also knowing and drinking with his friend in the pub! That's extreme.

LovingLola · 23/03/2019 21:53

Where did you meet him first ? As in a work thing or hobby thing?

Passing4Human · 23/03/2019 21:54

JaneEyre07 Sat 23-Mar-19 21:41:08
Your anxiety sounds very selective OP.

You've known this man 3 weeks and are staying at his house overnight but you can't meet his friend in the pub................................

Yes, well anxiety is like that. It's a bitch of a condition. The things that might trigger it for me might not be things that trigger it for the OP. Did you mean your post to sound snide by the way, as that is how it comes across?

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2019 21:56

But there is something wrong! She can't cope with her date also knowing and drinking with his friend in the pub! That's extreme

Erm ... after she had travelled two hours to see him!?

No, that's not extreme at all.

LovingLola · 23/03/2019 21:57

It's just crappy dating. He's not worth it. She shouldn't have to feel there's something wrong with her that she expects a bit more.

In fairness to him there is only 10 minutes from her first post where she was crying in the toilets in the pub to the post where she is in the toilet in his house. So it seems that he got her out of the pub immediately he realised she was upset.

YouokHun · 23/03/2019 21:57

OP, social anxiety can be greatly helped through a course of CBT. If you struggle to fit appointments around work there are online messaging and Skype CBT services like IESO and Dr Julian. For face to face CBT you can self refer or get your GP to refer you to IAPT for CBT or privately you can find a BABCP accredited therapist on www.cbtregisteruk.com. I hope you can find a way to manage it better so you can enjoy meeting new people and cope better with situations like this.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 21:58

Well I suppose if she was expecting the Ritz it might be a disappointment Confused

HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 21:58

She can't cope with her date also knowing and drinking with his friend in the pub! That's extreme

Have you even read the thread?

OP is anxious because she wasn't mentally prepared to meet her date's friends and feels 1) he didn't tell her his mates would be joining them (making it a social event, not a date) and 2) she feels that for her it's too early in their dating relationship to meet his friends.

Not difficult to understand, so I don't know why you're struggling to.

lisamac28 · 23/03/2019 21:58

It's really sad seeing how many women would be happy with someone treating them like this. It's clear this bloke either wants to show off to his mates ('look at the quality woman I'm going to shag tonight!'), or he is so uninterested in dating he's keener to see his mates than to have a date

Bloody hell! Or maybe as he's only known the OP for three weeks and met her 4 times, he doesn't understand the extent of her anxiety.

category12 · 23/03/2019 22:03

What's wrong with expecting a date to be a date? She's travelled two hours, it's their fifth date, why shouldn't it be the "Ritz"? If by that you mean, meeting up as a couple to enjoy getting to know each other more. Hmm

Verynice · 23/03/2019 22:03

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