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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy didn't tell me this

204 replies

Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 19:33

Okay this might sound like a non issue but it's affecting me right now and I just need quick replies.

I have social anxiety, quite bad. Meeting new people is a struggle.

Been dating new guy for 3 weeks, he's aware of social anxiety. When dating people it takes a lot to meet family and friends.

Meeting new guy tonight at the pub, he meets me at the station we get to the pub and his friend is there. Its so awkward, can't remember the last time I felt that awkward also there was no warning, it took 2 hours to travel to him and I'm staying for the night, just thought we were going for a low ley drink, had no idea. Also more people are due to turn up. He's wondering why I'm so quiet. I'm in the toilets crying which I know is so pathetic, please just talk me out of feeling this way and go back out there

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/03/2019 20:48

Op, what are you doing to help yourself here? Have you seen your doctor ?

Your reaction is extreme and prolonged, and I'm not sure you can have other people understand how extreme your anxiety is until they have known you much longer,

It's good you understand you have mental health issues, but they ar your responsibility and you need to seek help.

And yes, if you're crying in thr loos and still feeling anxious later your anxiety is crippling and you need to take responsibility for your mental health. For your own sake.

HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 20:48

Totally understandable OP. You've done nothing wrong. How are you feeling now?

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/03/2019 20:49

Prepared to meet several people she doesn't know, which if you have social anxiety is going to be difficult. Time means the chance to think of coping strategies.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/03/2019 20:50

He didn’t need to tell you,it’s not mandatory,it was meant to be easy going
New bf,He can’t be expected to preempt and plan for your anxiety.thats for you to manage

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/03/2019 20:50

Why is everyone assuming that the OP isn't doing anything to address her anxiety?

And she's dating and going out to social situations! Not staying at home on her own which would be the easier thing to do.

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2019 20:51

verynice, why is it ridiculous? Confused

At date 5, I was still in that lovely stage of being excited about the romance. I did not want to suddenly find my hot date had turned it pub night with the whole crowd! Who does want that?

sagradafamiliar · 23/03/2019 20:52

Do you work?

What the fuck does that have to do with the price of fish?

Sorry OP, you'd have thought some people hasn't heard of SA before. I'm guessing your Bf's lack of understanding matches some of the posters'.

For me, irregardless of the anxiety, I'd have left. You've travelled to stay with him/for a date and he's acting like you've interrupted his night out with a friend! His plans should've been about you.

americandream · 23/03/2019 20:52

YANBU to be pissed off.

I hate it when I'm meeting someone, and they bring someone else along. I have several people in my life who do this occasionally. Winds me up.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:53

Well an extreme reaction to ending up meeting her DP with his friend, would suggest that if she is getting help, it ain't working.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/03/2019 20:53

There’s no rule book says date 5 must not be socialise with his mates
It doesn’t necessarily mean snuggle as a couple it can easily mean drink with mates
Going forward the key to this is good communication, op and her bf

category12 · 23/03/2019 20:53

I would bloody hate a date certainly turning into a night out with the new bloke's mates without warning.

HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 20:54

@Verynice you're very invested in being unsupportive and critical to the OP. Not very nice. At all.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/03/2019 20:55

It’s not insurmountable, it’s a case of talk to him.be honest see how you both go

OfficeSlave · 23/03/2019 20:57

For ffs, its always some who can never understand that not everyone is like them or an extrovert or a 'social butterfly' and that some feel differently and that its perfectly normal. 'you shouldnt date/how do you live/do you work' etc. Not everyone relishes meeting new people, being sociable or being in large groups of people or having things sprung on them! It doesnt always mean they need 'help' either, they are just different to you!

Of course some people do need help if it is debilitating, but newsflash: There are people who aren't socially anxious/suffering from anxiety that would find what happened to the OP annoying or make them uncomfortable. And this 5 dates being 'fair game for anything' is all dependent on how well you know each other and at what stage you are at, how fast things are moving etc. 5 dates is nothing to some, still early stages and to others it might already be a relationship. It depends!

Bluntness100 · 23/03/2019 20:57

I don't think either of them have done anything wrong.

He likely didn't think meeting his best friend would have her in thr loos crying, unless she has explained just how severe this is, and the ops not done anything wrong, she isn't well and can't control her behaviour. They have only known each other three weeks and had four dates.

As to people assuming the op hasn't got help, I for one hope she is under medical care, but there is a surprising amount of people who don't, and wish others to simply amend their behaviour for their illness.

PlasticPatty · 23/03/2019 20:58

Go home, OP, to where you live. Nothing good can come of staying with him. Forget him.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/03/2019 21:01

That’s ridiculous advice patty,he’s done nothing wrong,he’s not a baddie

Verynice · 23/03/2019 21:01

And if you think I don't know what I'm talking about, let me tell you a story.

I was abducted, held hostage, raped and beaten up.

I spent about 3 months not leaving the house. My psychiatrist came around one day and brought me out for a walk around the block. I was fine. Could I leave the house on my own? Could I fuck. With more intervention, my then partner brought me to Stratford shopping. People kept pushing up behind me so I stood in front of a sign and broke down crying and shaking. My partner told me it was all ok and to keep on trucking. I managed to get to a shop, buy something stupid and went for a drink after to calm my nerves. I was so proud of myself you wouldn't believe. But if you keep telling this girl that she should run home, not get help, she is going to get worse. I was so bad I couldn't take my clothes off to shower as I felt so vulnerable. So I do fucking know what I'm talking about. But sometimes you have to gently push yourself or you'll stay stuck.

OP absolutely listen to the posters telling you that your boyfriend was inconsiderate if you wish, but he doesn't know! My partner was my partner of 6 years!! He still couldn't understand it. Thankfully, help from psychiatric services helped me, but I had to do the hard work.

XiCi · 23/03/2019 21:02

It's really sad seeing how many women would be happy with someone treating them like this. It's clear this bloke either wants to show off to his mates ('look at the quality woman I'm going to shag tonight!'), or he is so uninterested in dating he's keener to see his mates than to have a date

Christ some people are hard work. It's perfectly normal to have met some of your partners mates in the pub by date 5. He'd gone for a drink with his mate after work and was there when OP arrived. Hardly anything sinister. I'd met quite alot of DH mates by date 5 and he'd met a few of mine.

OP your reaction is very extreme and I'm sure he would have had no idea that you would have been affected so badly by something so mundane. Please go to your GP. I've never had social anxiety but have suffered with panic disorder in the past and was really helped by medication / CBT

SteelRiver · 23/03/2019 21:03

Bloody hell, there are some very unsympathetic and unnecessary replies here, and quite a few people who have no understanding of social anxiety.

I think the OP has done really well to be out dating and finding ways to manage this awful, debilitating condition. OP, do you think you can tell your new man how you're feeling now? If you can, it might help you to see if there is a way forward for the two of you. If not, maybe you're best to head home for tonight.

oneforthepain · 23/03/2019 21:03

If the op were a wheelchair user, then would it be acceptable for people to adjust their usual habits to take account of her differing needs? Or is it all disabled people who aren't allowed to inconvenience their fellow humans?

HolidayReads · 23/03/2019 21:03

There's a lot of people on this thread that don't understand anxiety and shouldn't be posting.

AmIBU123 · 23/03/2019 21:04

That sounds rough OP and I completely get why it's made the night difficult for you.

I think some other posters need to stop questioning you on your anxiety and perhaps take this opportunity to research it themselves. Ridiculous.

Moving on from that, I think you should be honest with him. Don't necessarily blame him because unfortunately people do need a bit of explaining to if they have no idea what SA is. Hopefully after you've talked you can enjoy your night together.

TapasForTwo · 23/03/2019 21:04

Does he know the extent of your anxiety? Does he know that you need to know in advance if other people are going to be present?

justsotired2 · 23/03/2019 21:04

I have social anxiety but I sometimes find spur of the moment/unexpected situations are better as it doesn't give you the time to dwell on it.

Take some deep breaths, have some water and go out and be with him. He hasn't been an arsehole, he probably genuinely didn't think it was an issue - people who don't suffer from anxiety try to understand but sometimes miss the point. You should be flattered he wants you to meet his friend!

Explain calmly that next time you'd like a little warning as situations like that can make you a little jittery.