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AIBU?

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Original poster

New guy didn't tell me this

204 replies

Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 19:33

Okay this might sound like a non issue but it's affecting me right now and I just need quick replies.

I have social anxiety, quite bad. Meeting new people is a struggle.

Been dating new guy for 3 weeks, he's aware of social anxiety. When dating people it takes a lot to meet family and friends.

Meeting new guy tonight at the pub, he meets me at the station we get to the pub and his friend is there. Its so awkward, can't remember the last time I felt that awkward also there was no warning, it took 2 hours to travel to him and I'm staying for the night, just thought we were going for a low ley drink, had no idea. Also more people are due to turn up. He's wondering why I'm so quiet. I'm in the toilets crying which I know is so pathetic, please just talk me out of feeling this way and go back out there

OP posts:
HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 20:34

Ignore the posters who don't understand anxiety, OP. They don't understand (lucky them).

And I don't agree with the poster saying you shouldn't date. Why should you put your life on hold? The only way to move forward is to face the anxiety and living a normal life, although terrifying, is part of recovering.

I hope you managed to get back out and are feeling more comfortable. If not, you'd be more than reasonable to go home.

You did well doing the 2 hour journey there and going in the pub, focus on what you've achieved! Hope you're feeling better.

urkidding · 23/03/2019 20:34

Ask people questions about themselves, and find out as much about his friends as you can. Look at it as a learning experience to get to know him rather than somewhere where people are judging you.

Original poster
Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 20:37

He finished work at the same time as his friend, had plans to go have a drink with his friend all at the same time as meeting me, it wasn't just random, he knew I'd be meeting his friend, I know he's not a bad guy but i would have been fine if I would have had some notice but because it was such a shock I'm quite upset

OP posts:
HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 20:37

It is unfair to put anyone through that

So you'd rather someone with anxiety hid themselves away and felt even more isolated?

And to suggest someone with anxiety is some sort of awful strain on a partner is inaccurate and promotes the mental health stigma we're trying to break down.

Well done.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:38

This is a normal everyday thing OP. He has done nothing wrong. A fifth date isn't really a date anymore, you're sort of seeing each other. He's happy to introduce you to his friends. You're safe, nothing bad is going to happen, now he's taken you back to his, all is good.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/03/2019 20:38

What treatment are you receiving, what’s worked for you.its v debilitating

DianaT1969 · 23/03/2019 20:39

You could say that you have a migraine and leave. Nobody will think that's strange and it will explain your time in the toilets.

Explain to him tomorrow what the real problem was, if you want to keep seeing him.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:40

What would have been different if you knew his friends were going to be there?

crazycatlady5 · 23/03/2019 20:41

Is it just the two of you back at his OP? I hope you’re ok x

Original poster
Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 20:41

I wouldn't say my ancoe is 'crippling' many people don't notice and I do fine in social situations when I'm prepared (that's why I can date) but meeting friends and family is quite a big thing for me and I'm not even sure I'm at that point with him yet that I would want to go through that yet. We are still getting to know each other and he knows im socially anxious, I guess I'm upset there was no warning a

OP posts:
Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:41

Do you work?

kbPOW · 23/03/2019 20:41

This is a normal everyday thing OP. He has done nothing wrong. A fifth date isn't really a date anymore, you're sort of seeing each other. He's happy to introduce you to his friends. You're safe, nothing bad is going to happen, now he's taken you back to his, all is good.

Interesting perspective Hmm

AssassinatedBeauty · 23/03/2019 20:42

I can't believe the number of posters who clearly have no clue about social anxiety.

@Dramallamaaaa do you think he really understands what social anxiety means?

Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:43

So it's more that you don't want to meet his friends yet as you're not sure about him rather than social anxiety?

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2019 20:43

It's really sad seeing how many women would be happy with someone treating them like this.

It's clear this bloke either wants to show off to his mates ('look at the quality woman I'm going to shag tonight!'), or he is so uninterested in dating he's keener to see his mates than to have a date.

Afineexample · 23/03/2019 20:43

I also have SA, don't think people understand it really.
Can you give yourself a goal- stay and try to talk for half an hour, and then go home/back to his if it's too much?

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 23/03/2019 20:43

I think for anyone without personal experience of social anxiety it would be very difficult to predict your (very strong) reaction to this minor thing. For someone without anxiety like you have this would be a total non issue. It's a new relationship so you're not massively invested in each other. Meeting a friend in the pub is therefore no big thing to someone without your issues. I think you'll need to be much more explicit about what you can and cavy handle and shouldn't really expect him to be able to predict your reaction necessarily.

HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 20:44

I can't believe the number of posters who clearly have no clue about social anxiety

And then give their opinions about why OP should'nt be anxious. Hmm

shitholiday2018 · 23/03/2019 20:44

OP I don’t think your partner is the problem. Your anxiety is way beyond normal and you need to get help. Meeting a friend in date 5 is perfectly normal. You can’t expect him to mould to your illness, you have to treat the illness instead (if he hasn’t run for the hills already).

I say this as someone very anxious. I get it, but don’t normalise it and don’t expect others to pander to it, that isn’t good for anyone, least of all you. Get yourself to the doctor, there are some good talk therapies and CBT which can really help you. Don’t give in to it, it is not reasonable.

Afineexample · 23/03/2019 20:44

What would have been different if you knew his friends were going to be there?
Not the OP, but I would have had time to prepare- not to be suddenly thrown into a group of people I don't know! With preparation, I can use some self-calming methods. Thrust in, I panic.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:44

Sarah - don't be ridiculous.

Original poster
Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 20:46

I would have been fine if I had been prepared and he had two hours to tell me because they had been hanging out all that time

OP posts:
category12 · 23/03/2019 20:46

I'd go home (and not to his).

Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:47

Prepared for what though OP?

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 23/03/2019 20:48

So you'd rather someone with anxiety hid themselves away and felt even more isolated?

HarrysOwl Nope. Not saying anything of the sort. I understand anxiety, I suffered severely for years, but I also realise the emotional toll that anxiety puts on those around you.

OP should focus on herself and getting well, then look to date. It is unfair to make someone put up with that emotional toll while not doing anything to alleviate it.

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