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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New guy didn't tell me this

204 replies

Dramallamaaaa · 23/03/2019 19:33

Okay this might sound like a non issue but it's affecting me right now and I just need quick replies.

I have social anxiety, quite bad. Meeting new people is a struggle.

Been dating new guy for 3 weeks, he's aware of social anxiety. When dating people it takes a lot to meet family and friends.

Meeting new guy tonight at the pub, he meets me at the station we get to the pub and his friend is there. Its so awkward, can't remember the last time I felt that awkward also there was no warning, it took 2 hours to travel to him and I'm staying for the night, just thought we were going for a low ley drink, had no idea. Also more people are due to turn up. He's wondering why I'm so quiet. I'm in the toilets crying which I know is so pathetic, please just talk me out of feeling this way and go back out there

OP posts:

Springwalk · 23/03/2019 20:11

Maybe this whole thing with him is moving way too fast. I don’t suffer from anxiety but would anxious in this situation. Go home op.
Talk to him about this tomorrow, he clearly has no clue.
Do what you need to do to feel comfortable and calm again.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:12

If you have social anxiety, how have you managed dating!? That would be an impossible task for you I would have thought?
It's a completely normal thing to meet up with your fella's mates when out. They're not aliens.

Sorry that I don't understand.

He's brought you to his local, his mates are there. Totally normal.

Where does the social anxiety stem from?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 23/03/2019 20:14

Did he plan this or did it just happened?

If he planned it and gave you no heads up despite knowing how you feel in social situations then i would be pissed off,if he didn't and it was a spur if the moment thing/they just happened to be in the same location then I'd explain how i feel, say I'd rather it didn't happen again but if it ever did I'd need him to let me know.

Weightsandmeasures · 23/03/2019 20:14

I'm sorry to hear about you severe anxiety. I think you should tell this man the truth about how you feel. He might decide this is not something he can handle long term. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with someone reacting as you have. So it is better that the two of you are completely honest with each other otherwise the foundation of your relationship will be built on pretence and will crumble easily.

ChiaraRimini · 23/03/2019 20:14

OP if I were you I'd be going home. your social anxiety is making you blame yourself but This was meant to be a date with just you and him so why has he dragged his mate/s along??
Ask him for a private word, then tell him you are not up for it and get him to call you a cab to the station.

crazycatlady5 · 23/03/2019 20:15

I’m SO sorry for you. I had terrible social phobia for a long time. Cheeks would burn, I’d have terrible palpitations. I understand how you feel with social phobia the only real cure is to feel the fear and do it anyway. You can do this! Remember you are probably thinking more of this than they are. Have you had any CBT and are you on any medication? A combination of citalopram and CBT practically cured me. Sure, I’d never be comfortable doing anything like public speaking but I can certainly hold my own now with big groups of people. Please feel free to PM me and we can talk more. Sorry you’re going through this. Look at it this way, he clearly likes you as wants to intro you to his friends! That’s awesome! A lot of people misunderstand social anxiety as just being ‘a bit shy’ so perhaps that was his thinking. You can do this OP xx

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 23/03/2019 20:17

I think he either doesn’t realise how bad your social anxiety is or doesn’t care.

It’s your fifth date. I think that’s too soon to be presumptuously changing the plans without running them past you first.

These are two different issues even though they have merged into one now. Do you want to keep seeing him? If not, go home. If you’re not sure, go home. If you definitely do want to keep dating, see how you feel about sticking it out but if you still aren’t happy then go home.

crazycatlady5 · 23/03/2019 20:17

If you have social anxiety, how have you managed dating!? That would be an impossible task for you I would have thought?

No, it’s not.

Bringbackthestripes · 23/03/2019 20:19

Horrible situation for you BUT you can’t stay in the loo all night AND the only way to make anxiety smaller is to keep doing the thing you are anxious about and realise there is no huge consequence- you didn’t drop on the floor, vomit in front of anyone or wail like a banshee- so in reality nothing bad happened so it will be easier next time. You would have been more anxious had you known in advance the friend was going to be there. You do need to have a serious talk with him, it doesn’t sound like he understands your anxiety at all.

Stormyday · 23/03/2019 20:20

So you told your boyfriend and left the pub together?

Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:21

it doesn’t sound like he understands your anxiety at all.

TBH I don't think very many people would.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 23/03/2019 20:21

YABU. I understand the anxiety (I suffered with social anxiety so severally I was virtually housebound for the best part of a decade, thankfully now fully recovered), but the situation is totally normal.

It sounds like his plan was to hang out with his best mate until you arrived, maybe exchange hellos between you, then go back to his for the date. Completely normal, and no warnings are necessary.

Your anxiety is debilitating. You need to seek help for it; you can recover. It’s not fair to yourself, and it’s not fair for any partners to have to put up with the emotional strain.

I know how badly anxiety can take over your life, but it was only once I’d recovered that I saw the massive upheaval and emotional stress it had put on my husband. It’s a lot to deal with, and it’s a lot to expect someone to deal with, especially someone you’ve only been on five dates with.

My best advice to you is stay away from dating, concentrate on yourself and recovery, and then when you are ready, try again. You are not ready now because you are expecting too much of any potential partner.

HarrysOwl · 23/03/2019 20:22

Sorry that I don't understand

Kindly shove off, then. Anxiety is incrediblly complex and debilitating, your comments are naive and offensive.

crazycatlady5 · 23/03/2019 20:25

Don’t necessarily agree with this. I met someone fantastic 8 years ago while I was really struggling with social phobia. I got treatment for it at the time and that combined with being with someone incredibly supportive and encouraging, means we are now married with a child and have a wonderful circle of friends. It doesn’t have to be one or the other but it does need to involve someone very supportive and understanding.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:26

Telling me to shove off isn't exactly the kindest thing to say is it.

Telling this poster that he's inconsiderate when he doesn't realise that meeting one of his mates is going to reduce her to her a crying mess in the toilets, isn't helping her exactly is it.

callmeadoctor · 23/03/2019 20:26

I think that maybe you should seek some help really before you go dating, clearly you are uncomfortable with it.

ClingFilmApplications · 23/03/2019 20:26

Indeed. OP isn't expecting too much of anyone; they're dating THEM not their friends. I wouldn't consider it appropriate to meet my partner with my friends when they weren't expecting it - and I've been married to them for ten years.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/03/2019 20:27

Id be fine if I had a warning!, also think 5 dates is too soon to meet friend!

I'd think it was really weird if I'd got to five dates with someone and hadn't met some of their friends...

He's taken you home now because you weren't enjoying it?

Would you have gone if he'd been honest?

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2019 20:27

I agree with others. I don't have social anxiety, and I would still think it was bloody rude if my date told me I was going to see him but invited a load of his mates too, on date 5. How weird!

kbPOW · 23/03/2019 20:29

Sorry for the shitty comments on your thread OP - some people just can't help themselves. Irrespective of your social anxiety, it's really crappy behaviour from this man. No one expects a 5th date to be unexpectedly joining a bloke in the pub with his mate and more mates turning up. It's rubbish.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/03/2019 20:30

In fairness I don’t thing it’s usually a biggie if mates are there as a social group
He’s not a twat,he’s not bad at all.hes operating within usual social norms
A date and meeting his mates informally in pub is pretty regular for lots of people
However with your anxiety it is a big deal,but I imagine he doesn’t fully grasp this
You’ll need to explain to him and agree parameters for events and how to manage this

SarahAndQuack · 23/03/2019 20:31

I'd think it was really weird if I'd got to five dates with someone and hadn't met some of their friends...

This is true if you are in secondary school. If you are a teenager, of course it is normal to expect that a 'date' will be more to do with peer groups and so on. But there's no evidence to indicate the OP isn't an adult.

As an adult, no, no one expects their date to need training wheels.

Meeting his friends might be very nice, but it's not a date.

Verynice · 23/03/2019 20:31

He invited her to stay over, said we'll go down the local etc., which is what happened. I fail to see what he's done wrong.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/03/2019 20:33

He’s not done anything wrong

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 23/03/2019 20:33

crazycatlady5 I think that’s the difference though; you were receiving treatment. I may be wrong but I get the impression OP is not.

OP isn't expecting too much of anyone; they're dating THEM not their friends.

ClingFilmApplications Of course she is. She is expecting them to put up with her in emotional turmoil over meeting some friends. As they continue to date he will have to cope with the continual emotional strain of small, regular, normal things setting OP off.

Being in a relationship with someone with severe anxiety is stressful and takes a toll on your own mental wellbeing. It is unfair to put anyone through that if you are not seeking treatment and looking to get better.

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