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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

348 replies

Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 13:07

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

OP posts:

Purplejay · 23/03/2019 13:14

I can understand why you would want to know but para 3 is a bit harsh and not really about her. I wouldn’t have put in the bit about beating her no grudge either unless you have good reason to think she is the reason he left.

If you think you found him on Facebook, why not message him direct?

OpportunityKnocks · 23/03/2019 13:15

Sorry to say it's pretty mean. That's his partner, not him and I can read a lot of bitterness in the message. I say this as someone who was/is estranged from her father.

Can you be more neutral? Keep it simple... Ie, 'is this his name, I am his estranged daughter and just want to know whether he is still alive'

Purplejay · 23/03/2019 13:15

Bearing

Tovisaornottovisa · 23/03/2019 13:16

I think yabu. Its nothing to do with her. And if she isnt his partner then it would be a horrible message to receive. Can you keep it short like. Hello i am looking for my estranged father john smith. He looks like the gentleman in your photos and just seeing if he is still around. Thanks for your time.

Or something similar as i really dont think you will get a response to your message

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/03/2019 13:18

If I received that, I wouldn't respond, I'd assume you were a bitter, twisted, stalking, unhinged fruit loop. I'd also possibly check all pet rabbits and the locks on windows and doors.

If you really did send that message, then it reflects more on you than him.

TwoRoundabouts · 23/03/2019 13:21

Don't send the message - send one of the others PP suggested.

Dramatical · 23/03/2019 13:22

That's awful. Really horrible thing to do to someone.

If you wanted to trace your father you should have done so and taken things up with him. That message just looks like you are using her to vent and make yourself feel better. It's downright nasty to do that.

itswinetime · 23/03/2019 13:22

Sounds to me like your trying to drop s bomb in to his relationship. I get it you don't see how she could love him knowing what he did. So you want to let her know hoping it will break them? But if she does she does and if she didn't and is innocent that's a shot way to find out.

If it i was me I wouldn't reply to that message. In fact I would probably block you. I think you have already sent it but if you genuinely just want to know if he is alive I would send a different message.

Sicario · 23/03/2019 13:24

That's a pretty nasty message which looks deliberately worded to cause a lot of upset.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/03/2019 13:26

Do you know its your father or do you think it might be? Because if you only think it might be and it isn't - and you've created mary hell in someone relationship because YOU got it WRONG - I doubt you'll ever know how YOU have wrecked someone's life.

At best you're a nasty piece at worst you're brainless.

Spartasprout · 23/03/2019 13:26

I think if you've actually sent that message you've just burned your boat. Why would anyone give you info after a such an aggressive missive? I'd be blocking immediately!

tiredandpregnant · 23/03/2019 13:27

If you don't want anything but to know it's him just say

'Hi is this so and so in your picture? Trying to trace a lost family member'

The rest is a bit much...especially if it's not actually him.

Dramatical · 23/03/2019 13:27

The title and the end of the OP both suggest the message has been sent.

TSSDNCOP · 23/03/2019 13:28

OMG What if you've sent it to the wrong person?

As it is you've sent it to the wrong person; its your father you should've sent it to.

Pretty shit either way. I'd ready yourself for an equally horrid reply.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 23/03/2019 13:28

Agree with pp who suggested contacting him, directly, on Facebook.
It's possible that the partner knows nothing of his history - or at least, the truth. If he was capable of doing what he did, he's capable of constructing a web of lies.
I never fail to be amazed by how people can treat their own flesh and blood.
Hope you find what you wish to.
for you and your siblings.

Halo84 · 23/03/2019 13:29

If you really want to find your father, hire an investigator.

Celebelly · 23/03/2019 13:29

?? The basis for this is that he looks like your brothers? You sent that to some poor woman without even knowing if it's him?! Bloody awful.

IvanaPee · 23/03/2019 13:30

What a horrible messsge to send to someone who’s done nothing to you.

I don’t know why you want to know if he’s alive if you have no interest in seeing or speaking to him. Sounds like you’re rightly angry but wrongly looking for a target for it.

I’d probably ignore a message like that, tbh.

x2boys · 23/03/2019 13:32

Agree with others don't send that message ,my dh doesn't have contact with his Dad either I have met him once about 14 years ago after not seeing dh, for about 10 years beforehand and after one meet up didn't other to keep in touch again I have searched for him on social !media but can't find him,agree it's nothing to do with his partner.

ArchieStar · 23/03/2019 13:33

Do you feel better after sending it? I hope it’s definitely him just so you have closure. However, it should’ve been sent directly to him, not to her. Unless you wanted to possibly cause a row over if she knows his history or not etc?

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 23/03/2019 13:33

Yes, YABVU.
I can hear in your words how hurt you’re feeling, but this isn’t the right way to go about it. There’s some good advice been given already, so I won’t add to that. But I will say; Imagine if you received that message out of the blue about your partner, how would it make you feel?
Good luck in your search.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/03/2019 13:34

You seem unhinged. That message is absolutely ridiculous and deliberately cruel.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2019 13:35

I wouldn't respond to that message, OP, it's horrid actually and I'd even consider it menacing. This was nothing to do with this woman. Why did you not trace your dad directly? Why is it that women always seem to pursue other women to get answers instead of having the courage to go directly to the person they want to contact in the first place?

Don't follow it up would be my advice.

Dramatical · 23/03/2019 13:35

Agree with others don't send that message

I think it's too late. OP has said it sent

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/03/2019 13:37

I am right in thinking you sent this message based on how someone looks?

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