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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

348 replies

Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 13:07

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

OP posts:
BluebadgenPIP · 24/03/2019 09:32

I’m not saying it’s exactly the same, just pointing out there are different sides to the same story.

Vulpine · 24/03/2019 09:32

I couldn't be with a man who abandoned his kids

SilverySurfer · 24/03/2019 09:35

I think you should know that there was more going on in the background than your Dad walking out on you.

Are you really not interested in hearing what more was going on or is your mind so closed that you would refused to believe anything you might be told?

BluebadgenPIP · 24/03/2019 09:37

My ex would tell my kids “your mother abandoned you”

I’d say “there’s more to it than that”.

(I’ve never told them the exact details. That’s not something I want them to know, for fear of the damage it would do to them)

OpportunityKnocks · 24/03/2019 09:38

'One might think there was a way for the father to rebuild his life without his kids spending theirs feeling abandoned'

Yep. You don't give up and walk away

Probably there is a different side to the story. But the partners is 3rd hand. She didn't live it, she didn't make the decisions, she doesn't know what the OP has been told.

Verynice · 24/03/2019 09:42

She does know what the OP was told. I.e. that he had walked out and abandoned them.

Original poster
Ineedaweeinpeace · 24/03/2019 09:42

Tbh @silverysurfer he’s alive. I will contact him when I’m ready. I’m really not.

This thread has shown me I’m behaving in a totally irrational way and my msg was a crappy knee jerk. Which I’m very embarrassed about.

If I do get in contact (with him) I want to be able to hear what is said rationally and calmly. I’m not there right now obviously - see thread!

She has made it clear she’s not going to tell me the story or extra details and that’s ok.

OP posts:
Dramatical · 24/03/2019 09:46

The woman is now enabling the father.

Enabling Hmm

She's in a position to help sort this dreadful painful mess out and right some of the wrongs done to his poor kids.

Perhaps she is trying to help, her e don't actually know the conversations taking place between her and him right now.

But no - she sends a bland trite message saying there is more to it.

There inevitability will be. This isn't something that was going to be sorted out with one message.

She is as much of a coward as the father.

You should probably consider what caused you to reach that conclusion. She didn't do any of the things the father did. Not quite the same.

I'm sorry this has happened op

As am I, but the blame and solution both lie firmly with the father

BluebadgenPIP · 24/03/2019 09:47

Yes and my ex’s new partner knows that I walked out and abandoned my kids and then turned them against him.

I have a different perspective and mine is valid also.

The op only has one view, her own, and it’s difficult emotionally when an entrenched view is challenged.

SilverySurfer · 24/03/2019 09:49

I think it's reasonable that she won't be the one to tell you as it's not her story to tell. I hope you eventually feel able to speak to your father and get some sort of closure.

Wishing you all the best.

notsosureaboutthatthough · 24/03/2019 09:49

Contact him. Calmly and rationally and hear his story.
It might be a pile of shit. But you are in control to make your own mind up.
It might just set your head straight.

AtrociousCircumstance · 24/03/2019 09:51

OP, I’m astonished at the nasty battering you’ve taken on this thread. You’ve responded so gracefully Flowers

You did nothing wrong in emailing her. You’re an abandoned child. And I get why you contacted her - you can’t trust him, to contact him directly would have felt too overwhelming I imagine.

She obviously is one of those people who can shrug at a father abandoning his children as long as she gets what she wants - ie he’s nice (or nice enough) to her and her DC. People can be very short sighted and self focused.

Sending you a hug.

Vulpine · 24/03/2019 09:52

Op don't feel embarrassed or ashamed for the message you sent. This was done to you. You are just trying to find a way through it.

DioneTheDiabolist · 24/03/2019 09:53

I'm glad you got a reply OP. Smile You can sit with that for a while.

Your dad's partner sounds like a reasonable woman and not a complete head boiler like some of the posters on this thread.

LazariaMoon · 24/03/2019 09:55

There's no excuse for walking out at all, it really doesn't make a difference if there's "more to the story" he left. That makes him a shit father.

LazariaMoon · 24/03/2019 09:55

It's not like he walked out and stayed in contact is it

LazariaMoon · 24/03/2019 09:57

I would never forgive my mum or dad for that.

buckeejit · 24/03/2019 09:59

OP, I'm sorry for your pain. At least you know now he's alive & his partner's message seems kind.

I think you should seek some counselling & see if you want to reach out when you've worked through some of this.

@mayflower43 I find it really chilling that you used the word 'wicked' referring to OP's message. That was wrong & unfair. I really hope you don't use such a loaded word on your foster children.

Original poster
Ineedaweeinpeace · 24/03/2019 10:01

@buckeejit

@mayflower43 and I have had a private conversation - she is a very kind lady actually. I think a bit like me - sent a message she didn’t think through.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 24/03/2019 10:01

He is not totally innocent, he can & is a stubborn sod! But I know that he loves you, X & X very much and still talks about you often.

He may have left OP's mum, but he could have made the effort to be in his children's lives.

Whatever the "other stuff in the background" was, he could have made an effort, even if it was just letters.

I find the woman's message to be bland and sef-serving.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/03/2019 10:12

I don't find the woman's message 'bland' or 'self-serving'. OP says she was kind. I think the response is gentle and she didn't respond with fire as she could have done.

It's up to OP now that she knows her father is alive and where he is - to take this up with him IF and when she chooses to do that when she feels ready.

A PP mentioned 'Pandora's Box' and I think that's a very pertinent warning. Some things can't be unheard and if they don't bring you cognisance of the situation or eventual peace, then what's the point?

Lizzie48 · 24/03/2019 10:12

I think posters are being very unkind to an OP who is clearly hurting. She herself has acknowledged that it wasn't wise to send the message she did. But she's been through a lot, including her mother dying, I suspect you're still grieving, OP. Thanks

I'm glad you've had a reply from this lady, she sounds very kind actually, and has understood where the OP is coming from, unlike a lot of judgmental keyboard warriors on this thread. Mumsnet AIBU at its worst. Hmm

You would really benefit from therapy, OP, it really helps process deep hurt from the past. I've gone through that process.

sagradafamiliar · 24/03/2019 10:13

I'm so sorry you've been made to feel embarrassed over that message. The shame isn't yours!
Like I said yesterday and as others have picked up on, you've been so dignified and graceful here in the face of some posters who clearly wanted you to bite. I can't commend you enough and I'm glad a conversation has now happened and that you have the self-awareness and ability to reflect enough to judge what you may or may not be ready for just now.

BlueCornishPixie · 24/03/2019 10:38

I think some PP have been quite nasty to the OP. It wasn't a cruel or awful message, it was the wrong approach and it was angry. However it was essentially true. That is the hurt the man caused to the OP, and whilst unsavoury to hear a loved one has caused that hurt it doesn't change the fact they have.

I think OP shouldn't have sent the message, it was wrong but I can understand why OP did it. If I received that message I wouldnt think OP was deranged. I would be upset but you would surely have some empathy for the OP? I think you have to recognise that what the man did to OP is going to have hurt her and is going to have made her angry. As the woman who received it clearly did.

Bearing in mind OP was almost an adult when he stopped contacting her, I'm not sure I can think of any justifiable reason for abandoning your children and mother. There's no way anyone could have stopped contact for example at that age. And he hasn't tried in recent years to get in touch with his children.

I am glad you know it is him OP, remember it was him that abandoned you, not this woman. And whilst I agree I can't imagine loving a man who abandoned his children she hasn't done anything wrong. There's no point hurting her or trying to destroy this slices that won't change anything and it won't bring closure.

Cider4Caro · 24/03/2019 11:17

If you dont want contact with him, then why bother? Save yourself alot of heartache and drop it if thats genuinely how you feel.
I doubt he's going to be "worth" finding if he walked away and never contacted you. I feel for the person who totally unrelated to the issue, has received this message.
My best advice...Before you do anything your not sure about, write it down, and go back to it a day later and see how you feel about it. Time will give you perspective on your planned actions. Good luck!

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