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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

348 replies

Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 13:07

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

OP posts:
Afineexample · 23/03/2019 13:48

Oh and if you want to know if he's alive why not look for his death certificate instead?

Hard without details like place and date of death though.
I am also estranged from my father. I really don't care if he is alive or dead, harsh as that sounds. But I can see why others might need or want to know.

Dramatical · 23/03/2019 13:48

All the posters attacking you for being ‘mean’ obviously have no fucking clue about what that kind of abandonment does to kids.

Oh I do. Not even my father, but my mother.

I wouldn't t send a message to a random stranger ranting about it though.

OpportunityKnocks · 23/03/2019 13:48

@atrocious I do actually. Still wouldn't send this to his DW, despite the temptation and opportunity - and it is very tempting when emotions are high. Especially given that well informed family members believe she had something to do with it. All his decisions at the end of the day

Dramatical · 23/03/2019 13:48

On and calm the fuck down with the accusations. Nobody was 'attacking' anybody.

americandream · 23/03/2019 13:49

OMG PLEASE tell us you didn't send this message.

I am sorry you are hurt and upset, but this is hideous.

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/03/2019 13:49

ralphfromlordoftheflies

What happens if she didn’t know. If it was the father he could have just said he didn’t have children.

IvanaPee · 23/03/2019 13:50

but I wouldn't feel at all sorry for the woman if she is his partner. She chose to be with a man who abandoned his 3 children! I cannot relate to a woman like that.

She didn’t do anything to the OP! She doesn’t deserve her aggression.

Plus, if you’re an adult you presumably know that life isn’t that black and white. And you have no idea what he’s told her about his past.

Whether or not you can relate to the woman (bit weird) is completely irrelevant

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/03/2019 13:50

Ineedaweeinpeace

Not only could you have destroyed a marriage/relationship between two people that you don't know, what are you going to do if she replies with information about letters/cards sent, evidence of someone that tried to see you but was stopped by your mother? Its a slim possibility but it as possible as you getting the right man.

Have you even thought of the ramifications it could have on your own life? Because you haven't thought about the ramifications it could have on theirs.

theworldistoosmall · 23/03/2019 13:51

Yes it's a bit harder without death details, but not impossible. If it was impossible then people wouldn't be able to go family trees going back generations.

Bagpuss5 · 23/03/2019 13:51

Whoever she is she probably won't respond. I don't think I would. You prob need to track him down and speak to him yourself, but that involves a lot of stress and emotion for you -is it really worth it?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 23/03/2019 13:51

It's a terrible thing to have sent, but you know that.
And as for the other poster who thinks you were restrained, for heaven's sake, being treated badly doesn't give someone carte blanche to behave badly ad infinitum to others.

pessimisticstateofperception · 23/03/2019 13:52

The kind thing for you to do would be to establish that this random woman was the partner of your father before you launched into your tirade.

There's no way for you to know what she's been told either.

I get that what happened hurts like hell, but you've aimed your anger at the wrong person.

Bringbackthestripes · 23/03/2019 13:54

Should have sent him a message, what if it isn’t him? ......that poor woman.
Sorry op Flowers

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/03/2019 13:55

All the posters attacking you for being ‘mean’ obviously have no fucking clue about what that kind of abandonment does to kids

I definitely have a clue. Mine couldn’t cope with my dm’s MH issues and left me there to cope with them.

I have no idea if he is alive or dead.
You move on and get over it otherwise it eats you up.

What did you hope to achieve?

Hurt someone and split their marriage up just because their dh looks like your father.

I wouldn’t be so cruel.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 23/03/2019 13:56

I don't think the OP will be back.

Flowers Ineedaweeinpeace but I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. I think you're unlikely to get a response if you have sent that.

Your pain comes over loud and clear.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 23/03/2019 13:56

Plus, if you’re an adult you presumably know that life isn’t that black and white. And you have no idea what he’s told her about his past.

@IvanaPee*

In what world is there ever an understandable reason for a man abandoning all of his children?

If I met a man who had no contact with his children, I couldn't give two fucks what excuses he trotted out to justify it, I wouldn't want anything to do with him. You obviously have to be a certain kind of person and have a certain moral compass to accept a partner like that. Yes, he's the one who did it, not her. But I certainly wouldn't feel obliged to be polite to her.

Fair enough if she didn't know.

BlueMerchant · 23/03/2019 13:57

The part about replying being a kind thing to do sounds very patronizing. It would make me not reply.

OKBobble · 23/03/2019 13:58

What if she wasn't aware even if it is your father? Why do you assune she is? If he is the tyoe to walk out like that then he is also the type to withhold that info. You seem to want to punish her rather than him.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2019 13:58

In what world is there ever an understandable reason for a man abandoning all of his children?

The one where the mother is an "evil witch" who has poisoned the children against him and all attempts at reconciliation have failed. That's the story he could easily have spun her.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2019 13:59

Or the story where he doesn't have children at all.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 23/03/2019 14:00

The one where the mother is an "evil witch" who has poisoned the children against him and all attempts at reconciliation have failed. That's the story he could easily have spun her.

Well yes, he could. But she would be a fucking idiot to blithely accept that.

Original poster
Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 14:00

It is definitely him. In the picture.

Yes I probably am totally head fucked. He left then my mum died a few years later from cancer and me and my brothers aren’t close. I have no family but my in-laws.

And yes I do want to hurt them. Sorry but I do.

I didn’t msg him directly as his fb has nothing on it except a picture of a dog and that he was in a relationship with this woman (which was before he left)

I have deleted the msg and my account on fb - only set the account up to find him don’t use fb otherwise.

OP posts:
Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 23/03/2019 14:01

I may have missed it - but did the op say the person she sent the message to, is a woman?

IvanaPee · 23/03/2019 14:02

It doesn’t matter if you’ve deleted it, she’ll still get it AFAIK.

Anyway, I think deleting fb was a good idea. You don’t sound ready for that rabbit hole.

Have you thought about counselling? I’m sorry about your family shit and the loss of your mum. Flowers

WarpedGalaxy · 23/03/2019 14:03

You think? If you’re going to send messages like that you’d better be absolutely sure you’ve got the right person who hurt you and not just someone who is connected to them who has done nothing to you. It’s your father who treated you badly so direct your messages to him.