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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

348 replies

Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 13:07

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

OP posts:
MrHaroldFry · 23/03/2019 15:28

OP. I am truly sorry he left you and your brothers and that your Mum died soon after he left, it must have been such s traumatic time for you all.
I say this with sincere kindness, you need to have therapy to learn to live yourself, that you are enough and make your future s bright and positive one. That message screams out loud in the voice of the damaged teen you were not in the grown up you are undoubtedly are now.
You are not the sum total of your parents, you are a product of them, your environment and you hopes for yourself.
Please, do yourself the best favour you could ever do and seek out a therapist who can help you unravel your deep held feelings and come to a level of inner peace.
You are enough and people around you love you immensely.
Much love and hugs to you

Funkaccino · 23/03/2019 15:29

think YOU are the one with 'fucked up morals' if you think what the OP did is acceptable!

It wasnt great but it is understandable that people nake bad decisions when faced with high emotion decisions. It is still no where comparable to abandoning your children and I really dont give a shit about the opinion of anyone who thinks otherwise

lisamac28 · 23/03/2019 15:29

It's not just 'sending an angry email' though is it?! It's toxic, dreadful, damaging behaviour that will almost certainly cause a lot of upset and disruption to the woman who received it, her family, and her entire life!

For sending an angry e-mail? No the effects you describe sound more like what happens when you abandon your children...It's toxic, dreadful, damaging behaviour that will almost certainly cause a lot of upset and disruption to the woman who received it, her family, and her entire life. I'd guess this is how the OP feels rather than a woman who received a message.

Boysey45 · 23/03/2019 15:29

Its not that bad, I know people who have been threatened, blackmailed all sorts, this is nothing in comparison.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/03/2019 15:29

Funkaccino

People need to stop comparing an upset email with abandoning your children.

I didn't I gave a reason why he (and the OP) would get away with what they have done.

If someone had told me they could prove my husband had left them he'd be out on his arse.

Ah yes keyboard warrior.

Funkaccino · 23/03/2019 15:30

Oh and sorry i haven't got an elaborate Friends analogy to explain why your post was ridiculous Hmm

IvanaPee · 23/03/2019 15:31

It wasn’t the only way to contact him.

Funkaccino · 23/03/2019 15:32

ah yes keyboard warrior.

Not all women are happy to stay with a man who'd leave his children boney. That doesnt make me a keyboard warrior. It makes me normal and not desperate

lisamac28 · 23/03/2019 15:32

Wow. Projecting much?

And I must have missed the post where the OP said his current partner KNOWS he abandoned his kids. Where was that? DO point it out!

No, not at all. Why must I be projecting because I don't agree with you? I didn't say his partner knows...I said IF. Don't come at me when you can't even read and understand properly.

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:33

@Funkaccino you sound like you are projecting too. Wink

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:33

And I agree you're a keyboard warrior.

Angelf1sh · 23/03/2019 15:34

There’s nothing in your posts that would suggest she knows about your existence. You’ve been deliberately cruel to a woman who has done nothing to you and probably nothing to your mother and then you’ve run away from it. Sending a shitty email to your dad is one thing (don’t kid yourself that it’s about finding out he’s alive), but she doesn’t seem to have done anything. At least own your behaviour and don’t act like “he’s done a bad thing so I can behave how I like”, that’s not how life works.

You’ve said your piece and he’ll either read it or he won’t, but put it behind you now. Get on with your life and the family you do have. He doesn’t deserve space in your head.

Funkaccino · 23/03/2019 15:34

You sound like you dont understand what that word means.

mrsblues · 23/03/2019 15:35

Some people are so lacking in kindness.

YANBU op. I hope you resolve this.

lisamac28 · 23/03/2019 15:36

You sound like you dont understand what that word means

She obviously doesn't, she doesn't even know what IF means.

Funkaccino · 23/03/2019 15:37

Op there is some raging dickeshness on this thread from people who ironically want to appear kind and moral.

Id write the woman again. Say you were sorry if you were harsh (you need info, and you catch more flies with honey...) and hope for the best.

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:37

@Funkaccino

I really don't give a shit about the opinion of anyone who thinks otherwise.

And do you think me - or anyone else on here - gives a shit about what YOU think? Confused

Don't flatter yourself

Funkaccino · 23/03/2019 15:38

Grin lisamac

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/03/2019 15:40

Funkaccino

You missed out alleged, possibly, might have in your post.

We've gone from "looks like", to "I recognise my father in the picture" (para) and "she was the OW".

Its drip feed bingo at its best (or worst)

If the OP truly wants to berate and make the man and woman pay for being so bad the very least she could do is actually put some effort in to finding out that it really is who she thinks it is.

JacquesHammer · 23/03/2019 15:43

The OP absolutely has every right to be pissed off. However she has acted incredibly recklessly in sending a message deliberately designed to cause maximum hurt. She didn’t have the right to do that.

I think you’re misplacing your efforts OP, rather than aiming for revenge I think you’d benefit from seeing someone to work through the understandable feelings you have surrounding your father.

Original poster
Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 15:44

Thank you to all of you.

For kindness and a reality check.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 23/03/2019 15:45

I hope this isn't true.

OP, if you wanted to see if it was him you would have contact him - not her. You wanted to hurt her, but you've only succeeded in making yourself look bad. You don't feel any better for doing it either, I bet.

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:46

Most people (incl me) have SAID they feel for her, but what she did is not acceptable. No way. I have not seen a single poster be cruel or unkind. What the OP did is cruel and unkind!

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:47

And why make a facebook account to message the poor woman, and then delete the bloody account? What was the point of that?

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:48

Sooooo, does someone want to point me to the post where the OP said the woman in question (who received the email,) knows that her dad abandoned her?!

Oh, forget it! I see @Boneybackjefferson 's post...

We've gone from "looks like", to "I recognise my father in the picture" (para) and "she was the OW".

Drip, drip, drip............. Wink