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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

348 replies

Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 13:07

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 23/03/2019 13:37

Wow. So what if you have the wrong person...which Tbh you probably have. Do you not care about potentially wrecking an innocent person's life?

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/03/2019 13:38

YANBU.

All the posters attacking you for being ‘mean’ obviously have no fucking clue about what that kind of abandonment does to kids.

Fuck them. I support you OP.

I think you were quite restrained Flowers

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/03/2019 13:39

AtrociousCircumstance

You think just because someone looks similar they should get their life wrecked?

maddiemookins16mum · 23/03/2019 13:39

Even if it was him, I’d not respond to your aggressive message I’m afraid, I’d be concerned of you causing problems/trouble.

cuppycakey · 23/03/2019 13:40

If I received a message like that I would block you.

itswinetime · 23/03/2019 13:41

*All the posters attacking you for being ‘mean’ obviously have no fucking clue about what that kind of abandonment does to kids.

Fuck them. I support you OP.*

If it was sent to the man that abandoned her absolutely but it wasn't it was sent to a potential innocent women who may or may not even know the man. People aren't saying the op is wrong to be angry they are saying she is directing it the wrong way.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2019 13:41

Is this a truly awful msg to have sent?

Yes, it is. I think you know that.

OpportunityKnocks · 23/03/2019 13:41

Just wanted to add Flowers

I know how hard it is to have your father just walk away and give absolutely no answers (not that any answer would bring any comfort tbh).

I hope you are ok and if you have sent this that the repercussions aren't terrible.

theworldistoosmall · 23/03/2019 13:41

I was abandoned by my dad, like fuck I would send that to some randoms possible partner.
If I sent any message I would track the fucker himself down and give him what for. But tbph he isn't worth the head space.

If I received something like that I would not respond as I would wonder wtaf it had to do with me.

TowelNumber42 · 23/03/2019 13:42

What were you hoping to achieve with it?

aposterhasnoname · 23/03/2019 13:42

Jesus fucking Christ, what if it’s the wrong person and you’ve now got some poor woman thinking her partner is a complete twat who has abandoned kids and lied to her about it.

You could seriously have just fucked someone’s life up there, based on a passing resemblance!

IvanaPee · 23/03/2019 13:43

I think you were quite restrained

Restrained?? You do know that she sent it to some random woman, yes? And not her father?

TowelNumber42 · 23/03/2019 13:43

If it is him why would she respond? You've said you don't want to meet him. You are spilling over with rage. What's the benefit to either of you of her responding?

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/03/2019 13:44

Even if it was him, I’d not respond to your aggressive message I’m afraid, I’d be concerned of you causing problems/trouble

This

Op you sound deranged telling a total stranger that their partner looks like your no good father and telling all your dirty family laundry to them.

True or not with that message you will get back the word No.

If you do what then? Will you pursue this person till she gives you the answer you want.

Surely it won’t end up on Jeremy Kyle

Figgygal · 23/03/2019 13:45

Why not message him?
Maybe she doesn't know anything of him having previous family (if it is him)

Yabu sorry

theworldistoosmall · 23/03/2019 13:45

Oh and if you want to know if he's alive why not look for his death certificate instead?

mollibu · 23/03/2019 13:45

YABVVVU.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 23/03/2019 13:46

I get that posters think that the 'what if it isn't the right person' part is unreasonable...but I wouldn't feel at all sorry for the woman if she is his partner. She chose to be with a man who abandoned his 3 children! I cannot relate to a woman like that.

Anique105 · 23/03/2019 13:46

You say you hold no grudges but you very clearly do. Your message is filled with alot of hurt though. Have you had any counselling op?
I dont think you are twisted and bitter as someone said, you sound deeply sad, angry and emotional about what happened.

BlackPrism · 23/03/2019 13:46

I think writing wasn't wrong but you've written it as an attack, when she didn't do anything. Would have been better a little more emotionless and polite but I understand that's difficult

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/03/2019 13:47

AtrociousCircumstance

That is one of the stupidest replies ever on MN.

Boysey45 · 23/03/2019 13:47

Shes not unhinged, its years worth of upset coming through. I don't think it helps someone with obvious loss to call them unhinged.
If I was sent the message and I was the partner then I'd just say either yes or no and direct them to my partner. He can answer. OP you can find him through the electoral register or 192. com if hes still alive and they don't answer.

pinkyredrose · 23/03/2019 13:47

Atrocious of course you support the OP! You sound just as aggressive.

theworldistoosmall · 23/03/2019 13:47

@ralphfromlordoftheflies She might not know that he abandoned his kids. It might not even be his partner even if the guy is the ops dad.

ShadyLady53 · 23/03/2019 13:47

Oh dear. I know it’s a terrible thing for you to have experienced but that was a horrible message to have sent to an innocent person. I don’t think you meant it this way but it comes across as manipulative and as if you are trying to hurt her, “You’re probably aware that...” and “The kind thing to do would be...”

It’s too late now, you’ve done it. But don’t be surprised if your message is ignored. It comes across like you are trying to cause trouble for this woman and she’d be best staying well out of it.

There are other ways to find out though. A private investigator as a previous poster has suggested. I really hope you get the answers you need for closure Flowers