To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

[Ineedaweeinpeace]

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

I think that's tremendous advice, Cider4Caro. I can remember painting myself into a corner with my dad several times and sincerely regretting it afterwards.

Thanks @Cider4Caro that really is good advice.

The letter was an awful letter to send.

What I don’t understand is in your title it says you think this person is your estranged father. Your opening post says he looks like a relative.
So the inference is you are not sure he is your estranged father then when everyone says you come across as batshit for sending an awful message to someone you only think is your fathers partner and might not even know who you are you do a 180 and say he is your father and she knows everything and you don’t want to get in touch with him anyway.

I am sticking with my first assessment.

You need help to get over this. As someone who’s father disappeared off into the ether leaving me with a suicidal mentally deranged mother. I spent my early childhood in and out of care whilst my mother was getting her brains zapped with electricity.
I have to ask why did you write the letter if you knew this guy was your father and you don’t want contact unless it was to hurt his Dp.
Unfortunately I think that has probably failed and it has only hurt you more.

@mayflower43 I find it really chilling that you used the word 'wicked' referring to OP's message. That was wrong & unfair. I really hope you don't use such a loaded word on your foster children

I think using the word on my foster children and using it in the OP's case are different. One I can justify, the other I cannot.

I'm not sure if I have used the word wicked "on" my foster children. Maybe. Some of the things they have endured ARE wicked, so I might have. My personal opinion is not to sugar coat the horrors they have been through, or belittle or make excuses for people in their pasts. Always be honest - these young people have been lied to throughout their lives (sometimes from social services themselves) so I think it is so important for them to hear the truth, and know there is at least one person who will tell them the truth. I look after the most damaged young people, those with complex behavioural issues, and stories that would make the front page of the tabloids. So, yes I probably have used the word to describe some of what they have been through. I never condemn the person who has carried out the atrocities, but I do condem their actions. Remember these horrors of the very worst type of abuse are their norm - they do not know or understand that to the rest of the world this is wrong. So to say "such and such an action is wicked" is in some ways important, else how would they ever know otherwise. Afterwards we can talk about the perpetrator and how their own lives may have lead to that point, but the more I think about it, the more I think it is important to say "this was wicked/cruel/evil"...and I have come across the very worse type of evil.

So the OP has been through a really difficult time, and the message she wrote was written from a place of pain and emotion. We all lash out. The OP did, and I did in response. No I should not have used the word, it was wrong, and although I think my sentiment was correct, but my words were not. I do think it was wrong for her to do that and it was wrong for me to do that. BUT I now understand why and is perfectly understandable in her situation. Of course I have no excuse, and therefore am not as reasonable a person as the OP, or the partner. The OP lashed out, and thankfully her father's partner did not respond in kind but wrote a considered and in some ways kind reply. She is obviously a far kinder person than I.

I will leave mumsnet now, else I lash out and use inappropriate words again. Sorry for my actions and to those I may have upset. I wish the OP well.

Why the fuck is it her responsibility to sort this mess out?

Because she’s a woman?

Jesus it takes wifework to the limit.

If i recieved that message i’d either not reply of say i don’t know, why don't you ask him? I’m his wife not manager or personal secretary. And even if i were his relationships are no ones business but his.

I new s man whose patents split when he was 8.
When he was 14 his mother remarried and the dad was told: (by the exw)
'To stay away as they had a new family now. '

After having the door slammed in his face several times he had to stop (he lived a fair way away too)

On the mans 18 birthday his mother told him his dad was dead. 😳

She also told him no maintenance was ever paid.
( it was)

They reconnected when the man was mid thirties along with the other siblings .

They enjoyed a good relationship for 20 odd years until his dad died.

I wish you all the best op

OP, I get the anger and rage but it was totally misdirected but you know that now. You really should send a brief second message and just apologise and acknowledge that you let pain and anger get the better of you.

I’m glad she got back to you at least OP, I’m just confused to why you messaged her and not him.

Ooops my post took so long to post, I missed the update. She is a very kind lady to respond in spite of the tone of your message.

She messaged his partner because her FB page was active and his had very little on there, so I assume OP thought that he wouldn't get the message.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad OP. I understand your pain. There is no excuse for what your father did.

I hope you can find a way through this

OP I think you should consider reportjng the thread to Mumsnet and asking they delete the thread. It's been quite malicious at a time when you dont need that. You had the answer from your father's wife. Just take care of yourself. Do not feel guilty she obviously knew about you so no terrible shocks came from it.

I had a really horrible message once asking about my own father “was he x, (yes) because if it is he walked out on his wife (of 2 days) who was (not) pregnant with me. My name is y. (I’m my fathers oldest child so that’s bull - she was at least 3 years younger than me) I want to know why he walked out on my mother all those years ago and what we could have possibly done. Obviously he’s got a new family now so its just unfair you get to have a dad and I don’t.”
Yeah. She was certifiable. My dad was married before - for all of 2 days before his wife basically walked out of his house and left a note on the side saying she didn’t love him, she never had and she just wanted a big party.
He then went on to meet my mum and had me a few years later so I knew it was all BS, but that didn’t mean it didn’t scare the life out of me. Even worse I was at uni when I got it and I was worried the girl had stalked me halfway across the country.
My story ends ok, my dad phoned my gran who was able to track down her grandparents and eventually found her mum and explained. I received 3 or 4 letters like this, then they just stopped. I’m pretty sure the mum was feeding her lies about her dad, which is really sad.
I’m glad this ended well, but remember, if he left years ago you might only have half the story. Allow his partner the chance to explain his side, if she wants to.

There could very well be a lot more to the whole situation and your mother may have not been as honest or reasonable as you seem to think. You cannot be sure of that. However, the partner was very kind, especially given your initial message and she is right. It isn’t her story to tell! If and when you are ready and mature enough to actually speak to your father directly, you cannot keep directing your bitterness at her. She holds no blame or responsibility for you.

I think you are getting an unfair bashing OP. I agree it sounds very angry and probably won’t illicit a response. But at the end of the day it one message. What your dad did is awful and you have every right to communicate that anger directly to him. The mistake you made was not saving all that for when you actually made contact with him, and sending a very short message to his partner. I think you should try to contact him as until you let out how you feel it will be eating you up.

Well, the actual person you messaged doesn't think it was malicious, she sensed your hurt and reacted with kindness and now you can bow out and figure out what you'd like to happen next

@mayflower43 similarly, the OP said she thought you were kind so don't take comments to heart, AIBU is brutal at the best of times, smaller boards tend to be a lot milder. I know a person who was a foster carer taking in older, difficult kids that realistically very few would take on. Years on they still visited him.

First part should've been addressed to the OP.

That’s a horrible message and sounds like you are still terribly hurt. What is your motive for sending this?

Maybe your mum left out some details of his leaving, who knows. I hope you find peace

I think people are being a bit unkind to you here because you have sent the message so there is no point in berating yourself.

You’ve had very difficult experiences and been let down badly.

By deleting your account you won’t get to see any reply if there is one.

I think a very good idea would be to write again and explain that the first message was a little aggressive because you were so shocked to see a picture of your father and it made you very emotional. You could then write something a bit more neutral. I am the type of person who tracks down people from the past (and places- i love to revisit places from my past). I’ve sent people messages before even after years of not seeing them. I have mostly been ignored! I understand that. People don’t know what im like now or why I’m reaching out probably. But with a father then it’s really painful.

I would try once more even if only to put yourself in a better light. And then give him the chance to respond. It’s probably occurred to him that you would look on fb for him.

Good luck. I definitely would recommend therapy if you don’t have it already. And not because you’ve done anything wrong- but because you deserve the support and space to work through some of this. You’ve been let down. It is wrong to let your children down.

Candy, she had a reply. Did you not RTFT?

Judging by her reply, the story you have isnt all of it.

All stories have at least 2 sides.

Does child abuse have two sides to the story. Does domestic violence? There are some things that are just wrong and op deserves to know some answers. Her fathers partner was not 'kind' in refusing to help her further. The villain in this is the father not the poor op.

I’ve just seen that you had got a response. That’s really nice. She sounds very kind. Don’t ever feel bad about being emotional. Or making mistakes. Good luck to you!