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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

348 replies

Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 13:07

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

OP posts:
americandream · 23/03/2019 14:42

In the second paragraph, it should read

The girl said 'I think I may be your husband Steve's daughter. He left my birth mom 18-19 years ago when I was born, and I have been trying to track him down

GunpowderGelatine · 23/03/2019 14:42

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but that message was uncalled for. It's not her fault he did what he did, and she doesn't owe you anything. sadly these things end up in people not really wanting to know or give answers.

Although if he left when you were 17 you must have loads of memories of him and would know what he looked like unless it happened generations ago?

Original poster
Ineedaweeinpeace · 23/03/2019 14:46

This is what happened:

My fathers dad died we were all very sad he was a lovely man. This is when I was 13.

My father moved out as needed space- my mum said she understood as this was a big loss.

We didn’t hear from him for around a year.

Then he came back on/off. Promised weekends to come get us never did for about 3 years.

Then he disappeared and we didn’t hear from him again.

Mum died when I was 21.

My grandma,his mum, has died since never knowing where he is. I don’t know if he knows she’s gone.

There was never any shouting. My mum was only ever cross that he didn’t pick us up when he promised etc.

I’ve made a mistake. But why does he get to live his life without acknowledging any of this.

I didn’t send to his account because it doesn’t seem used.

I guess I have my answer he is alive. So shouldn’t have sent it. But I am so cross

OP posts:
Guavaf1sh · 23/03/2019 14:52

Obviously you did the wrong thing but you know that. Past experience is no excuse. Don’t message her again and I think counselling may be best to help you get over this

hardyloveit · 23/03/2019 14:52

I found my bio dad (if you can call him that) on fb.
I didn't send a message like that though!

Your message was very rude and aggressive. And it wasn't even to him! I very much doubt you will get a reply as you said in the message "you're probably aware" etc it's come across all wrong. I wouldn't reply.

You should have just messaged saying hi just wondering if that is xxxx in your picture - I'm his daughter and just wanted to make sure he is okay or something. You probably would have got a reply if it wasn't so rude

Sorry for your loss. Have you had counselling at all?

BlackPrism · 23/03/2019 14:56

I think you need to reactivate your account though. It's even less fair to send that and then completely ignore if she would've replied.

Also, and this may be unlikely but people have doppelgängers- mine is a Babestation girl which caused quite the stir when I was in yr10 as she was the utter spit of me. Could've been my identical twin, I swear.

So I'd wait to check

SilverySurfer · 23/03/2019 14:56

I can't imagine what possessed you to send such a horrible message except in your later post you said And yes I do want to hurt them What has this woman ever done to you? You say in the heading you think it's your father. WTF did you send that not knowing 100% and if you had to send it, why not to him?

If you're going to send such a shitty message to someone at least have the balls to keep your fb account and face any response/ consequences, don't be a coward.

cuppycakey · 23/03/2019 15:01

I don't understand Your message says you wanted to know if it was him, yes?

Then you say you definitely know it was him. So why did you send it? He knows he has children. She will know he has children ( you say they have been together a long time) most probably.

It won't have hurt them at all I shouldn't think.

I agree with PP, rather than doing destructive stuff like this, could you look into some counselling for yourself?

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/03/2019 15:02

I’ve made a mistake. But why does he get to live his life without acknowledging any of this.

For the same reason that you get to close your facebook account down and not acknowledge any of this.

JenMumma · 23/03/2019 15:03

Jesus, even if I was them, I probably wouldn't respond to that xx

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2019 15:04

I understand why you did it and I don't really even have a problem with you messaging his partner, but I think you could have couched it in better terms.

I think you were wrong to delete your FB though. You should have at least allowed her the 'comfort' (for lack of a better word) of sending you a response, even if it was nasty. As it is, you've most likely dropped a bomb and then just run away. Not very fair.

Dippypippy1980 · 23/03/2019 15:06

I can totally understand the anger and frustration you feel, and the urge to point out to your dad that he did an unforgivable thing.

He’s your dad, he had a rough time when he lost a parent, yet wasn’t there for you when you lost your mum at such a young age. HE isn’t a selfish shit.

That’s not the new woman’s fault. But while your message exposed your feelings, it could have been a lot worse.

You need to talk to someone about these unresolved feelings of granger and betrayal. You probably won’t be able to exact revenge on your dad, but you might be able to learn to put it behind you,

IvanaPee · 23/03/2019 15:06

You’re all over the place, OP. Understandably.

You said upthread that you wanted to hurt them. You’re placing a lot of blame on her shoulders and I think it’s misplaced.

Either way, I think you would benefit from help getting closure.

You were looking for something from that message. I hope you got some sort of peace from it.

Dippypippy1980 · 23/03/2019 15:06

He is a selfish shit that should have read

Gingerkittykat · 23/03/2019 15:07

Can you send a second message apologising for the tone of the first one? Explain you sent it in a highly emotional state, that you are just looking for answers about your past.

Funkaccino · 23/03/2019 15:17

received that, I wouldn't respond, I'd assume you were a bitter, twisted, stalking, unhinged fruit loop. I'd also possibly check all pet rabbits and the locks on windows and doors.If you really did send that message, then it reflects more on you than him.
Leaving your family is not as bad as sending an angry email? Some fucked up morals there.

Op I can understand why you said everything about him but I would not have said the bit about not bearing her a grudge as it looks like you think you should have a grudge against her.

Funkaccino · 23/03/2019 15:19

For the same reason that you get to close your facebook account down and not acknowledge any of this.

People need to stop comparing an upset email with abandoning your children.

Funkaccino · 23/03/2019 15:22

Those of you saying youd block and ignore... this is why so many get away having multiple families that they dknt support. If someone had told me they could prove my husband had left them he'd be out on his arse. No matter how the email was worded.

Dramatical · 23/03/2019 15:23

Can you send a second message apologising for the tone of the first one?

OP was quite deliberate in the tone of the first one.

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:26

@Funkaccino

Leaving your family is not as bad as sending an angry email? Some fucked up morals there.

It's not just 'sending an angry email' though is it?! It's toxic, dreadful, damaging behaviour that will almost certainly cause a lot of upset and disruption to the woman who received it, her family, and her entire life!

I think YOU are the one with 'fucked up morals' if you think what the OP did is acceptable! Confused

lisamac28 · 23/03/2019 15:26

Your message was very rude and aggressive

Doesn't OP have every right to be pissed off with him? Sending the message to his partner seemed to be the only way to get the message to him. No wonder scumbag men get away with this shit. He can fuck off and abandon his kids and OP has no right to voice her anger the only way she knew how to reach him? He deserves everything he gets. As for his partner, if she knows he abandoned his kids, then I'm sure she won't be shocked at the message.

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:26

Minimising what the OP did, is not helpful.

Funkaccino · 23/03/2019 15:27

The part about replying being a kind thing to do sounds very patronizing. It would make me not reply.

Yeah way to stick it to the adult child your husband abandonded for writing an arsey pm Hmm

OpportunityKnocks · 23/03/2019 15:27

'But why does he get to live his life without acknowledging any of this'

It's shit. He's a shit. I totally and utterly get it. It's completely unfair and he ought to face up to the crap he put you through. You have every right to be cross.

I strongly suggest you do some self preservation and walk away from it for the time being, get some counselling and surround yourself with the family you have chosen and your friends. Come back to it another time

americandream · 23/03/2019 15:28

@Lisamac28

Doesn't OP have every right to be pissed off with him? Sending the message to his partner seemed to be the only way to get the message to him. No wonder scumbag men get away with this shit. He can fuck off and abandon his kids and OP has no right to voice her anger the only way she knew how to reach him? He deserves everything he gets. As for his partner, if she knows he abandoned his kids, then I'm sure she won't be shocked at the message.

Wow. Projecting much?

And I must have missed the post where the OP said his current partner KNOWS he abandoned his kids. Where was that? DO point it out!