To have sent this to who I think is my estranged fathers partner

[Ineedaweeinpeace]

Hi xxx. Are you partners with a man called S? I’m just trying to figure out if my father who walked out on my family when I was 17 is still alive.

I think he looks like the man in one your pictures. He looks a lot like my brothers.

You’re probably aware that he walked out on his family and never spoke to them again. Never knew anything about his kids as adults. You’re probably aware how hurtful that is and how his 3 kids never knew what they did that was so bad that he didn’t want to know them.

So I’d really appreciate it if you could reply to this message with a yes or no- that would be the kind thing to do.

I hold no grudge to you or him. I don’t want to meet him. Purely for my own sanity would like to know if he still exists. S named me Xxxxx - I’m married now.

Think I found him on Facebook. Is this a truly awful msg to have sent? I don’t want anything honestly than to know if it’s him.

You need to get some psychological help to deal with your pain.
You can't go around wanting to hurt people, you will end up even more head fucked.

So you deliberately sent this message to a random woman in the hope to hurt her and him, and have now deleted your Facebook?

I understandably have been deeply hurt, but what you have done is nasty. Really nasty.

You chose to message her and not him because you thought it would have more of an impact. What you did was send a ridiculous rant to a stranger, a stranger who could be any one of us, for no reason other than to be malicious.

I feel sorry for you OP, for all the wrong reasons

I’ve went through a lot of horrible shit in my childhood, really, really terrible stuff that a lot of people never get over.

That doesn’t give me a free pass to deliberately hurt others and attempt to destroy their relationships even though they deliberately hurt me and destroyed my childhood. That’s not how life works.

Don’t sink to their level. Try and get some therapeutic help to find a positive and helpful way to move forward.

so, if you've deleted your FB, does that mean if that if she DOES reply that you won't see it???

Difficult to ascertain your age?
Do you have a good relationship with your husband?
Do you have DC?
Is there no way you can reconcile/have better relationships with your brothers?
Don't wish to be rude, but if you haven't had professional counselling, perhaps you should consider it.

I’m sorry you’re in pain. Why do you want to hurt her?

You should have got confirmation that it was your father first before you said all the other stuff. Also, you said you don't hold a grudge but it's clear from the wording of your message that you do. It's possible she will just block you and get your (possible) father to block you because she senses you are angry and engaging with you will only open up a can of worms.

It’s definitely him. You don’t just forget your fathers face

Yep, YABVU.

So why not message him then? So what if he only has a picture of a dog?

So she has a message from a deleted account and will have no idea how to check it for truth? or get back to you to give you the info

You seem to be using 'it's definitely him' as some kind of justification for your behaviour.
It's not.

My father abandoned me when I was 19. I'm 27 now and honestly I'm not sure I'd recognise him so that's no defense really.

You're clearly suffering, but punishing a stranger is cruel. Why do you want to hurt someone who probably hasn't got a clue what's going on?

You need to get professional support.

How did you find this woman? Did you have the name of a potential partner or just random scrolling and came across her?

I'm afraid you message does sound very angry and bitter (understandable emotions) but I would be very wary of contacting you if I were the partner.

Well if he's in a relationship with her since before he left, then it's probably not him. Unless he was announcing an affair on FB back in the day. How long ago since he left? Btw, you were 17, not a tot. You were pretty much reared.

I didn’t msg him directly as his fb has nothing on it except a picture of a dog and that he was in a relationship with this woman (which was before he left)

It is a horrible massage to send, but just for clarity it does sound like Op's father left the relationship to be with this woman, so she's not entirely blameless.
I guess this is where OP is coming from. At least you've unburdened some of your feelings to her and I hope you feel better for doing so. I think you probably need some counselling to explore your feelings further.

It's only a question. The tone suggests you're hurt and want answers- naturally- but you do say you hold no grudges! I hope she replies to you OP and sets your mind at rest one way or another- she would be cruel not to.
Good luck with your search

Why are you asking that 'for your sanity' you need to know if he's alive? Is there any reason you might expect him not to be alive? Is he very old now?

Ginger, I'd say she looked up her father's name, found this one, in a relationship with a woman - looked at said woman's profile, and found photos that resemble her Dad.

I actually think if the account is deleted, the message goes too. Unless she read it before the account was gone. But messages from people not on your friend list go into a different folder; you don't get alerted to them like you do messages from friends, you actually have to look for them. She may not have even been aware it was there.

Can you tell us more about the circumstances around his leaving? Did he just not return home one day, or was it a bitter break up where he never contacted any of you again?

Anyone would think the poor OP had rocked up to this woman's house and put a brick through her window! I'm shocked.
You walk out on your kids, you better expect to answer some tough questions later in life. It's no one's fault but the POS father's.

@Godowneasy

It is a horrible message to send, but just for clarity it does sound like Op's father left the relationship to be with this woman, so she's not entirely blameless.*
I guess this is where OP is coming from. At least you've unburdened some of your feelings to her and I hope you feel better for doing so. I think you probably need some counselling to explore your feelings further.

Are you actually f-cking kidding?

To the few posters who think the OP has done nothing wrong, give your head a MASSIVE wobble!

It's a terrible thing that you have done OP. I know you are hurt, (many of us HAVE been!) but there is no excuse for this.

I used to know a couple who were in their mid 40s. (Let's call them Lisa and Steve.) One day (back in the late 1990s,) the landline phone rang, and Lisa picked it up, and a girl's voice came out with 'hello, Mrs Osborne?' She said 'yes?' The girl said 'I think I may be your husband Steve's daughter. He left my birth mom 18-19 years ago, and I have been trying to track him down. All I know is his name is Steve Osborne, and he is from Hertford.'

Lisa said 'Steve doesn't have any 19 year old daughter, we have been together 25 years since we were 20!' Who on earth ARE you? And why are you saying this?!' The phone went dead.

Long story short, this caused a MASSIVE load of trouble and upset, as Lisa, had this nagging doubt that this girl WAS her husband's and he must have had an affair. After 25 years together, their marriage started to hit the rocks, and it never recovered. The trust was gone even though he had never done anything, because of this call from this girl saying she thinks Steve is her father. 2 years later, they split.

No idea who the girl was, she was never seen or heard of again, and they surmised that she must have got the name out of the phone book (no internet then.)

This situation (of Lisa and Steve's, AND the OP,) is kinda like the episode of FRIENDS where Chandler drops it out to Rachel that Ross is in love with her, and she rushes to the airport, and tells the air stewardess to pass a message on to THAT MAN with a red scarf (she points at Ross.) The message says 'thanks for the lovely gift, see you when you get back, and we will talk more... love from Rachel....'

The air stewardess thinks she is on about the man in front of Ross (who also has a red scarf,) and tells him the message. His wife says 'who the hell is RACHEL?' the man doesn't know (obviously,) but it causes a rift. 2 weeks later, the same couple come back on a flight, and he is seen yelling 'dammit woman! I don't know any RACHEL, you gotta believe me.'

A bit of mistaken identity (causing humour,) in a sitcom, but this could happen, and DOES happen, and it causes awful problems.