Someone obviously doctored the speech, because the version leaked earlier in the afternoon was completely different:
When I stood before you over two years ago having been appointed Prime Minister, I promised to act in the best interests of the country and to lead a government for everyone – both those prospering and those who feel that they have been just about managing.
However after two years of indecision and in-fighting regarding Brexit I have come to the conclusion that there must be a change.
I am therefore giving notice that at the conclusion of this press conference, I will be handing a letter of resignation to Mr Fox, Mr Barclay, Mr Grayling, Mrs Leadsom, Mr Hunt and Mr Hancock. If they do not agree to resign, I will sack them with immediate effect.
Furthermore, I will be telling Johnson, Raab, Rees-Mogg, Bone, Patel, Truss and their supporters to either back my judgement or risk expulsion from the Party. My government will no longer be spaffing taxpayers’ money up the wall in support of the crackpot ideas of these fantasists.
With regards to Brexit, I have already informed Mr Barnier that the UK wishes to revoke the Article 50 notification. He has assured me that this will be no problem.
And now to the important issues.
For too long, successive governments of the United Kingdom have ignored the problems building up in our country. Access to decent employment, education, healthcare, social welfare, policing and transport has been restricted to the few at the expense of the many. I intend to change this. 30,000 of the countries brightest civil servants, who have wasted the last two years on the fool’s errand that was Brexit, will now be tasked with identifying the causes of these problems and with coming up with solutions. I expect to see results and I want every man, woman and child in the UK to feel the benefits of these initiatives – sooner rather than later.
Mr Hammond has already organised meetings with representatives of the Japanese business community to offer his sincere apologies in case they had formed the impression that they were no longer welcome in the UK. I will likewise be taking the earliest opportunity to speak to the executives at Airbus, BMW and all of the other German and European-owned companies that have pumped billions into the UK economy over recent years.
Finally, I have ordered that Dyson hand dryers be removed from all government and public facilities and Mr Hammond will be taking measures to investigate the tax affairs and ownership of the UK media.
Now if you will excuse me, I have work to get on with.