To think being a wedding guest is bloody expensive!

[NuclearReactor]

Just spent 350 on a two night stay for a friends wedding in a lovely hotel. On top of this there's an outfit, travel expenses, food,drink and wedding present to buy! I love my friend to bits and this is not a dig at her as I wouldn't miss it for the world but my god, I could go on a holiday for the same price!

AIBU to think everything regarding weddings is so pricey these days?!? (I've also spent £200 on a bridesmaid dress before for my SIL wedding which enraged me slightly massively)

Weddings in my family used to be a case of organise the church. Pick your bridesmaids (best friend, siblings, little cousins) buy their dresses. Hire the local community centre or if you were well off a local hotel for a sit down meal in the day & a buffet for the evening. The venue would have a cash bar. Organise a disco. Invite all your friends and family. Have a lovely day amongst those you care about.

I hate most weddings now. They are boring, pretentious and cause too much ill feeling.

My friend is getting married next month at a registry office then reception at a pub, both within walking distance of my house. Result.

We try hard to reduce the cost where we can. The kids had ebay outfits and wore school shoes. I bought a new dress in the Wallis sale that has been reworn many times since. I chose not to drink so we could drive 10 miles to a cheaper hotel.

But yes, it can get expensive. I personally avoid hen dos, even bowed out of my SILs (and DH declined my brother's stag do invite) both were in random cities with meals, drinks and overnight stays. Not awful but it adds up.

The "problem" is that people getting married nowadays are usually 10 to 15 years older than previous generations were on their wedding days. This means that they have more money to spend/waste and far higher expectations.

What on earth has happened to hen and stag nights, for example? They used to be a small gathering of close friends and family at the local pub, the night before the wedding. Nowadays, they sometimes last for days and are often abroad - basically a holiday! How do people justify the expenditure? Are they not saving up for a house deposit, or for items for their future home together? Evidently not! They most likely already have a home these days and are well established in their careers, so I suppose they want more than a night in the pub.

Some people seem to be happy to spend a small fortune on their wedding. If they have the money to spare, then good luck to them. But it's a bit much to expect guests to fork out as well.

I’ve never ever been to a wedding where the drinks are free apart from a drink on arrival and a glass of wine with the meal.

you have been very unlucky! It seems quite common on MN, but I don't think I have been to more than 2 weddings with a paid bar!
Pretty much all weddings had drinks and nibbles after the ceremony, then diner, drinks through the night and sometimes breakfast. The families always host an informal lunch the following day so guests have a meal.

It doesn't mean I have only ever been to wealthy weddings at all, some low-key weddings only had Pimms and soft drinks in the afternoon, others had made cocktails, a winter one had mulled wine.
Yes, there's always someone who won't like the choice, but it's a wedding, not a restaurant. You are not given a choice of 3 different dishes either (some do, but that's just weird!)

I cannot comprehend people inviting guests and not catering for them, unless you go for a very clear BYO casual one.

I cannot comprehend people inviting guests and not catering for them

It's quite common. There are loads of threads on here about it, with loads of people always suggesting the guests carry food with them or have food in their car or room. One famous thread featured an OP who attended a wedding where the 'food' was a scone and a square of sandwich over the course of 12 hours. Still other threads where the OP was the bride and 'the caterers' told them that one square of sandwich and 2 canapes/person for several hours was fine and got all defensive when people pointed out it isn't enough food ('they're not going to starve!' 'people should go without eating for hours every day it's why every single person is fat!'). The main issue seems to be that the happy couple take hours having photos done after the ceremony, leaving the guests with no food or drink and sometimes outside (the weather here can be really changeable) or they are all fur coat and no knickers and blow the budget on the venue, dress, fripperies like photo booths and skimp on the food. Lots of evening do's are like afterthoughts with expensive drinks and scanty food, not enough seats and/or the evening guests having to wait whilst the day guests finish their meal.

A lot of people say they cannot afford to get married but what they mean is that they want a big fancy wedding.

Well quite. All our family weddings including mine had cash bars but food was plentiful.

My wedding for example

2.00pm church
2.30pm Photos
3.30pm Glass of fruit juice/pins
4.00pm 3 course meal Soup & Roll. Roast Beef dinner with roast potatoes, veg & Yorkshire pudding (wedding was on a Sunday) Dessert. Glass of wine per person plus champagne to toSt
5.00pm Speeches
6.00pm. Room cleared to prepare for evening. Guests retired to hotel lounge with cash bar
7.00pm Evening reception started. Barn dance, disco with cash bar
8.30pm. Huge buffet with whole side of salmon,sliced cooked meats (turkey, ham & beef) & cheeses, bread rolls, sausage rolls, salads, chicken drumsticks, pate, crackers, gateaux, cheesecake & wedding cake.

Given that we had 100 guests at the daytime and 150 at the evening there was no way we were going to have a free bar all day.

The hotel provided the daytime meal and my uncle, auntie & cousinsdid the buffet (paid for by us of course)

Given that we had 100 guests at the daytime and 150 at the evening there was no way we were going to have a free bar all day.

then it would slightly less rude to have less guests and cater for them properly. Even if this is missing a word:

You don't mean Glass of wine per person plus champagne to toSt
One glass of wine per person, do you?

Yes one glass of wine per person. It came with the meal.

We have a large family. My mum has 5 siblings and they all have 2-3 children each. Plus several great aunts and uncles who have been important in my life. That’s not starting in my dads family or my husbands.

They were catered for properly. As I said food was plentiful. It would have been rude of me to exclude people.

I’ve been to way too many wedding to even count in my lifetime from local village hall to more upmarket hotels (the former are usually the nicest) and none have ever had a free bar.

And the most expensive item on my wedding list cost £80. Most items cost around £20-30.

I think that both hosts and guests of weddings are often B oo into 'keeping up with the Jones'' and lacking the confidence to assess the situation and do their own sensible thing.

So those hosting weddings should be sensible. They should be able to consider their budget and no of guests they wish to host and plan accordingly. Thus should include planning a day where people won't have to stand around for hours without food or drink nor innthenworld for hours on end. The food doesn't have to be terribly fancy but food does need providing and the times of things need to work. However,in don't believe that hosts need to provide limitless booze for a whole day. If you've supplied your guests with drinks (and teetotalers sometimes don't provide any booze. Fine- their choice) and sufficient food for the time of day and length of day, then great. Not planning carefully enough which means timings can run significantly over can create problems for either all guests or often evening guests - and people just need to be careful to avoid that.

As a guest, I think you need to always know that you can turn down an invitation to the wedding or hen night etc. If you do accept,not here will be an element of expense but again I think guests need to realise they have some control over the spending. It is perfectly possible to wear clothes you already have, to drive rather than use taxis and to avoid large bulks for gifts and accommodation. It will involve some expense though.

I'm always surprised at how few weddings lots of people have been to. Clearly the younger you are the keys you might have been to, but by mid 30s I'd have thought most people would have been to at least 10+, but I've realised that lots of people have very limited friendship and family circles and haven't been to man you nd that perhaps an air of mystery or specialness about weddings develops that leads to both hosting or being guests involving elements of excess that just aren't there for those who go to lots of weddings and for whom it has become the norm and something they can assess and manage far easier.

Thus thread shows how rigid some people's views are of weddings in termsnof what hosts or guests MUST DO. Being a little bit more flexible is a good idea. Be prepared to go to a wedding and find that the drinks provision is a bit different to what you might have seen before ....and don't feel outraged but just carry on and enjoy the day. All this judging of what has been provided or not provided just seems a great shame. If you love the people getting married, go and enjoy the big day,neigh a smile on your face. If you don't love them and are judgey or begrudge the journey and expense, simply turn it down politely.

Yes one glass of wine per person. It came with the meal.

I am sorry, but that sounds awful! How tight can you be. Would you have people around for diner and give them one glass of wine only?
I genuinely don't understand that.

It’s as cheap or expensive as you want to make it.

Got zero budget, just send a card.

On a small budget, don’t stop overnight, leave as soon as the evening reception starts or book a £39. travel lodge in the nearest town if you’re traveling from lands end to Northern Scotland.

Re wear a previous outfit if money is tight.

Sorry but stopping in a £300+ hotel room for two nights, and then moaning about the cost is pointless.

People were free to buy as many drinks of whatever kind they wanted at the hotel bar.

Considering they were being provided with two huge meals as part of the day I don’t think I was being tight at all. And all children were invited. No one was left out. I was very sensitive to family feelings as at the time of my wedding my mums sister was dying of cancer (her kids were Aged 5 & 6) Also my husbands grandparents (they brought him up) were not in good health. In between the day & evening we went with his grandad to visit his nan in hospital in my wedding dress as she was not able to attend. Those things were more important than people getting drunk.

Personally when I have a meal I do only have 1 glass of wine or a soft drink with it.

but I've realised that lots of people have very limited friendship and family circles

Or it could also be that marriage isn't as common as it used to be. Lots of people just live with the partner and never bother to marry.

I think most people generally do their best with whatever budget they have and within their cultural and social norms. I do think couples who fail to consider the needs of their guests are setting themselves up for a wedding failure. It certainly wouldn’t feel much of a celebration if it was all just about watching the bride and groom dance whilst chewing on a cold chicken drumstick, worrying the children that weren’t invited and totting up the hotel costs.
We paid for all drinks for our 150 guests a long time ago but saved on other things. I did my own catering with a couple of my staff. Youngsters from the youth club where my husband had a second job became our waiting staff. I did the church and reception flowers with friends but had the bouquets made professionally. Money can only be spent once.
My daughter has different expectations and a different budget. We’ll do drinks and canapés in the square, immediately after the service, for guests plus neighbours and friends who aren’t attending the breakfast. Well save money on church, organist and choir who will be free.
Similarly we’ve been offered a Beauford convertible and a Hudson convertible for the bridesmaids. That saving means we can use the money to lay on a bus to do a hotels shuttle and reduce hassle of booking taxis or not drinking. It’s all about choices, using friends offers and deciding on priorities.
We’ll provide all drinks but the range will be limited after the breakfasts so we aren’t footing a bill for bottles of wine from the bottom of the list. Just wine, beers and cocktails from a little van on the terrace.

People were free to buy as many drinks of whatever kind they wanted at the hotel bar.

how gracious of you!

I don't ration my guests, so I do not understand this weird concept.

I do think the whole wedding makes a big difference too. If it's obviously a nice and friendly home made affair (even with 100 guests) with handmade bouquets by the bride and friends, small but inexpensive details, it's fine - even if that kind of weddings still seem to manage to provide at least some drinks.

If it's a "fancy" affair, 100s guests, fancy hotel, designer flower arrangement, professional photographer, a bunch of samey bridesmaids, obviously expensive wedding invitations, it really is tight to only offer a cash bar - because it's clear the guests are at the bottom of the list!

Yes, perhaps in some circles people often don’t marry and so going to a wedding is a rare occasion and because of that expectations of guests and hosts can get a little skewed because there’s little to compare to and it becomes a real social highlight out of all proportion.

I’d just say that people should realise that they can choose how to host or attend a wedding and don’t have to succumb to seeming social pressures to do it in an expensive way. It’s about being confident in who you are and your own choices.

My uncle made the wedding cake, my work colleagues made the sugar almond favours, my mother in law did the flower arrangements, I had my best friend, my youngest cousin and my husbands youngest cousin as bridesmaids. (A local dressmaker made the dresses). My husbands friend played the organ, another friend sang during the register signing and a uni friend of mine put together a ceilidh band. A friend of my dads did the video.

The hotel was a bog standard 3 star opposite the local railway station.

So quite frankly I don’t care what you think. Even now, almost 20 years later when I’m at family parties I have random family members come up to me and say mine was the best wedding they have ever been to.

Went to a wedding in Bath where the Travelodge was £250 for the weekend. It’s well known they bump prices on Saturdays
So stayed at keynsham in a lovely hotel that was much cheaper and I bet much quieter than the bath one would’ve been with free parking as well

These threads make me feel guilty! I got married in Edinburgh but live in the SE, as do many of my friends. They all had to travel because my family live in the Highlands and we picked Edinburgh as a mid-point (ish!) and as somewhere meaningful to us. If we’d married in the SE, my parents would have struggled to make it. If we’d married in the Highlands, our friends and DH’s family would. So mutually inconvenient it was - but we tried to make it as easy as possible (my post up thread says how). The vast majority of my family and friends were able and happy to travel. So many posts make me feel like I shouldn’t have asked them to, but we wanted everyone there!

"Given that we had 100 guests at the daytime and 150 at the evening there was no way we were going to have a free bar all day."

We had 150 guests all day and we we also had a free bar all day.

However, our wedding was slightly unconventional in that it was more of a garden party. It wasn't at a "venue" as such, so we were free to source the booze ourselves with no corkage issues. We also didn't provide any spirits, only wine, beer, bubbly and cider. Soft drinks and tea were also available for non drinkers. We forewarned guests that they would need to bring their own spirits if they wanted them. The party finished around 3 am.

Is some of this a class thing perhaps?

Dh and I both come from working class families in a deprived industrial area. Expectations may have been different. Weddings were all about going to church then a huge party afterwards.