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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think not all boys with long hair look like girls

211 replies

FedUpParent · 14/03/2019 20:18

DS is only 3 and i've never cut his hair. I know so many people who've done the same thing, i don't think it's that unusual

Every single person (and i mean every one) i've ever encountered, calls him a girl. Or asks my DD about her "sister".

I'm fully expecting people to get it wrong when he has long hair, that's just how life goes. But every single person? And he wears stereotypical "boys things" if that makes a difference.

It's like in people's minds it's far more likely for a girl to have blue clothes with tractors on etc than for a boy to have long hair (DD has wore "boys clothes" and colours and has never been mistaken for a boy)

I'm not actually bothered and i don't correct them if they're strangers, just seems like a far more frequent occurrence than i expected

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/03/2019 21:36

My DS had long blonde hair and angelic features. But he definitely moved like a little boy.

thirdfiddle · 14/03/2019 21:42

No way for people to tell you're conforming to clothes stereotypes and going opposite to hair stereotypes not vice versa. As long as noone is rude when corrected I don't see a problem.

I think most people can't tell with young kids unless they code themselves with hair and/or clothes. I don't know whether the rest can or just think they can based on kids they already know.

TitchyP · 14/03/2019 21:42

I hate boys with long hair. Always assume the parents are vain and try-hard

Charming

I have a teen boy with long hair. He just prefers it that way

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/03/2019 21:48

Ds had long waist length hair and people called him a girl.

He had his hair cut short and wears joggers and a t shirt and he still gets called a girl.

SmarmyMrMime · 14/03/2019 21:48

DS (8) is rarely taken for a girl. He always wears shorts. Hair is about collar length. It's always been a bit shaggy, partly because it suits his hair texture and partly because it hides the odd shape and proportions of his head. We drifted into the longer hair when we struggled to find time to go to the hairdressers, but it really suits him and works well with his tufty crowns and cowlicks as the hair ways down and sits better. Short hair would just stick up like a battered toilet brush.

He has very long eyelashes (ironically, he was mistaken for a girl most as a baby when he was pretty bald!), but the way he presents himself is stereotypically masculine. DS2 is more androgenous until he starts charging around. His usual style is shaggy, surfer type blond curls.

Well kept long hair can look great on boys. Short hair for girls is currently underrated too. Long hair can be gorgeous, but it does need looking after and there are too many people who value long hair on girls for the sake of it, with straggly ends that would look much better for a good trim.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/03/2019 21:51

I was born in 1964. All through my 70s childhood men and boys had long hair. My Dad was pretty straight but both of my male primary school teachers had long flowing locks, as did many of the boys I went to school with.

DH is my age and his primary school photos show him with basically a long blonde pageboy. In high school he was into rock music, in uni he was a biker (and even had a few misguided forays into the curly perm). When I met him he was working in a lab, he was still into bikes and grunge and wore his hair in a ponytail. He cut it off when he was 30 and we had DS1 and he decided to look for a better paying job.

Short hair for boys is just a fashion thing not some deep and meaningful signifier of masculinity. For many of us, it’s not even what we grew up with.

Meralia · 14/03/2019 21:52

My ds is 20 months and is always mistaken for a girl. His hair is quite long and very curly. We’ve never cut it.

It really doesn’t bother me that people think he’s a girl. Sometimes you just can’t tell.

A stranger called him princess once and I don’t think he believed us when we said he was a boy.

I love my sons hair, I’m definitely not vain or try hard.

bakingcupcakes · 14/03/2019 21:52

I had no idea boys having longer hair was perceived as middle class, vain or try hard.

DS has fairly long hair. It waves/curls a bit so it's only noticable long when it's wet. It's mainly long because I'm lazy and can't be bothered to get it cut but I think it suits him too.

NCforthis2019 · 14/03/2019 21:54

My son has long hair - no matter how much I dress him up in tractor shirts, digger jeans and crocodile socks - every says what a beautiful daughter I have..... 😂

CountFosco · 14/03/2019 21:58

Pre-pubescent children definitely can be identified as male / female by body shape, certainly by early to mid primary

And yet adults routinely assume my delicate-looking tiny 11yo DD with a pixie haircut is a boy. She regularly gets adults who don't know her questioning her when she uses the ladies toilet. She says other children sometimes ask her what sex she is but adults always assume she's a boy.

FrancisCrawford · 14/03/2019 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

malificent7 · 14/03/2019 22:04

I think men look great with long hair. Why not?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/03/2019 22:04

I had no idea boys having longer hair was perceived as middle class, vain or try hard

I honestly don’t think it is baking. Most people used to say to me, “Well it wouldn’t be my choice for my kid, but it just suits Little Tink.”

The only people who were critical were the kind of closed minded, hard of thinking types I couldn’t be bothered with anyway.

I’ve no axe to grind either way with hair: DS1 liked his very short, DS2 liked his long. Some people can’t get their heads around you letting your kid make their own choices though.

nos123 · 14/03/2019 22:06

I think little toddler boys look gorgeous with their natural long hair. I hate it when I see a 2 yo with a skin head/iced jem, hipster man haircut. I think proper ‘male’ haircuts look bette on boys over 5. I’m not sure why, that’s just my taste.

VampirateQueen · 14/03/2019 22:14

Tbh these assumptions annoy me. My DS hair isn't long yet, but we have said that he will have long hair with the occasional trim to tidy it up until he says he wants it cutting, it is just easier than forcing a toddler to sit still for a 'proper' cut. I have it had any issues in regards to my DS yet, but when my DD was about 1 people would always call her a boy, two different occasions that spring to mind are the time she had a T-shirt and jeans on, the jeans had pink trim and pink flowers and she had sparkle blue trainers on that had pink on, the other time she was in a blue dress with tights on and painting black shoes, with a hair clip in, granted she was sat in her pushchair but it was clearly a dress, they just saw the blue and assumed she was a boy, that one really annoyed me. Although I did get a slight kick out of it when they would ask how old is he? And I would answer SHE is ...... or they would say what's he called? SHE is called ..... (very obvious girls name) the look on their faces.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2019 22:20

black, no, fair cop, I do not know for certain. I just got that impression and thought it seemed funny. Sorry if I offended you! The substance of what I was getting at is that you can't tell a child's gender from how they dress.

mummabubs · 14/03/2019 22:28

I've found my empathisers! Our 17mo DS has always had an abundance of thick and curly hair, plus eyelashes that I'm incredibly jealous of. His hair is not shoulder length yet (but well on its way) and I get daily comments of "what a pretty girl" etc. It doesn't bother me to be honest, I'm happy to either inform people he's a boy or just let it slide at his age. He wears quite stereotypically "boyish" clothes but that doesn't make a difference at all. My husband and in-laws make a lot of comments about having his hair cut but I think it really suits him, and as long as I keep his fringe short enough that it doesn't go in his eyes why would I force him to sit still in the hairdressers and have his amazing curls that make him unique lopped off?!

Meralia · 14/03/2019 22:30

I wonder if it’s true when they say if you cut off curly hair it will grow back straight?

My son is my first curly haired child out of three. I wonder what the likelihood is of him staying that way?

Echobelly · 14/03/2019 22:34

DD (10) has cropped hair - she is constantly taken for a boy, despite wearing earrings in each ear. New record last week where cinema staff told her both on her way in and out of the loos that the boys' loos were the other side. Apparently she replied 'G.I.R.L!' to them!

One time in the loos a woman had a go at her and wouldn't believe her when she said she was a girl!

I also had cropped hair at her age (jndeed most of my life between age 8-35) and was constantly taken for a boy until I was about 16 - although I really did look like a boy and I don't actually think DD does. Unlike me she has full lips and long, dark lashes, though I know some boys do too, of course.

But people read hair length as short hand for gender, there's no avoiding it.

I love long hair on boys, but I don't think it would suit DS - he has a gorgeous face but his hair is dead straight and fairly fine, and I think little boys need thick or curly/wavy hair for long hair to work. Plus he looks so darn cute with it short and neat.

SausageMashandOnionGravy · 14/03/2019 22:35

I think if you don't cut their hair they are going to be mistaken for girls. Last week I took my 20 month old to the park, there was a woman with a baby on the swing next to us who had an elder child. The little "girl" had long hair tied up, I noticed she had boy style clothes on but I assumed she must have an older brother (I wore my brothers hand me downs). Anyway the little girl looked just like my daughter and so my little boy started going mad saying "sister, sister" and pointing so me being the encouraging mum that I am I start going "yes that's right the little girl looks just like your big sister doesn't she". I noticed the mum was giving me side eye but I thought nothing of it until the woman said to the baby on the swing something about her brother pointing to the "girl"! Oops!

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/03/2019 22:37

I think if you don't cut their hair they are going to be mistaken for girls

So what if they do.

Ds thought it was hilarious when people thought he was a girl

Rubusfruticosus · 14/03/2019 22:46

I've done the opposite and mistaken a three year girl with long hair for a little boy before, you often can't tell at that age.

My 13 year old boy has long hair, often tied back, and has never been mistaken for a girl.

SausageMashandOnionGravy · 14/03/2019 22:51

I got my son's hair cut once he was getting mistaken for a girl. My parents had been commenting on him needing a haircut for a while but he had a beautiful long curl I didn't want to cut. Once it got the the point where he was getting "that little girl" at the park etc it was time to get it cut, he was 18 months old so it got pretty long by the end.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2019 22:53

I wonder if it’s true when they say if you cut off curly hair it will grow back straight?

No, it isn't true. The hair is dead when you cut it off, so it can't send any messages back into the body to determine how the hair will continue to grow. So cutting it makes no difference. However, babies' hair often changes texture anyway, and hair can change right up to puberty (and again with menopause, if you're thinking of women).

Mari50 · 14/03/2019 22:54

I work with nursery children and I’m afraid all young boys with long hair will be mistaken for girls even if they are wearing dinosaurs/trucks/avengers etc etc.
Some boys do have beautiful long hair though and I can see how mums are torn to do anything other than let it grow. Most little boys seem to end up with short hair eventually though (usually about 6/7). Peer pressure? Interestingly I kept my dd’s short as she has such lovely curls until she got to about 4 when she asked if she could grow it. Personally I was gutted because I knew the length would pull her curls out.... bloody kids and autonomy!

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