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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sahm and surgery

138 replies

SEsofty · 13/03/2019 11:56

I need to have some major surgery which will mean that I will be out of action for st least six weeks, no driving, lifting etc

However, I’m a sahm and youngest child is only two and therefore not in any sort of childcare.

Aibu to not know what to do as obviously won’t be able to look after the Cho, husband can’t take six weeks off work and no family support.

Would a nursery even take him for a month only and how are we supposed to pay for this.

Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do

OP posts:
OhTinky · 13/03/2019 12:00

I think your husband could apply for parental leave from work - he may not need the full 6 weeks off work depending on your recovery speed?

daffydowndilys · 13/03/2019 12:01

Can you find a child minder?

Shoxfordian · 13/03/2019 12:02

Can your husband use all of his annual leave to look after your dc? If he can take 3 weeks off then you could look at hiring someone for the other 3 maybe?

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 13/03/2019 12:03

I would scout around for a childminder and get your DH to take some parental leave.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 13/03/2019 12:05

If you can't afford childcare, and your DH doesn't want to take leave then I am afraid you just have to get on with it. The house will be a mess, maybe, there will be lots of TV watching for your DC and a bad diet for 6 weeks but what else do you want us to say!

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2019 12:06

What is the surgery for?

Hollowvictory · 13/03/2019 12:10

You can hire a temporary nanny or mother's help. I had to do it when I was injured and had twin babies. Not cheap! You could also try nurseries and childminders. I'd get on the phone ASAP you'll need to sort some in good time

thaegumathteth · 13/03/2019 12:11

If your dh can’t take the time off and you can’t afford childcare then there’s not much you can do unfortunately.

Do you have older kids at school? Could someone even help with the school runs for example?

Hollowvictory · 13/03/2019 12:12

How you pay it is sane way you pay for anything else, with money! Nurseries are £50 per day where we are so £280 per week x 6 weeks makes £1500. Can regi for tax free childcare via government website that will help

NWQM · 13/03/2019 12:16

If you are in the UK you might want to try speaking to your HV to see if they know of any local organisations that could help.

E.g take a look at www.home-start.org.uk/pages/category/things-we-can-help-with

Anything would probalay need to be in combination with your husband taking time off / asking work to be felixable.

Local child care providers may have spaces but obviously will expect payment. Double check that you aren’t eligible for help www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/free-childcare-2-year-olds. You might want to look at a temporary nanny. It’s not necessarily a more expensive option and might be more flexible. I’m assuming you might have little notice of the date and so someone in your home takes out the need to travel to drop off but also means your DC doesn’t have to settle into a new venue.

Depending on the nature of your condition there might be a specific charity who you could apply for funding from. Might be with talking to your hospital PALs or Councils grant finder service. Sometimes you need to think ‘creativity’ eg if you or your husband have been in the forces there are charity’s help or if your husband is in a Trade Union.

I’ve had some success approaching local churches - women’s unions - for support.

It does all depend really on your circumstances and what you need.

It’s so tricky but hopefully at the end of he six weeks you’ll reap the benefits.

I’ve some knowledge about this. Please feel free to PM me with more details as am happy to help but would need to know details really.

If I were you I really would approach HV and start with Homestart if there is one near you. If they can’t help they are very likely to know who might.

RedSkyLastNight · 13/03/2019 12:26

You pay for childcare or your husband takes parental leave (as above).

Original poster
SEsofty · 13/03/2019 12:26

Thanks for those giving practical advice, will ask HV.

I know that people pay for childcare with money but equally most people don’t have a spare couple of thousands pounds lying around.

If I were at work then I would be paid and the childcare would be sorted. I just wondered if there were any schemes to help with this particular situation. Like jury service where sahm can get help with childcare

I may just have to delay for a few years until I am back at work

OP posts:
lemony7 · 13/03/2019 12:27

I’ve been in this situation! DH had the first 2 weeks off then I just got on with it. Lots of sitting on the floor to get down to DC for cuddles, nappies etc. You’ll find a way to manage. I found after about week 3-4 I was hoovering again and lifting the kettle. I had major abdo surgery.

dietcokemegafan · 13/03/2019 12:29

Do you have critical illness insurance and if so does the condition for which you need the surgery appear in the policy?

otherwise as others have said, you use your savings, your DH takes leave or you borrow money or get others to help.

WFTisgoingoninmyhead · 13/03/2019 12:31

I may just have to delay for a few years until I am back at work

So this isn't a life saving operation or anything like, so why would you even contemplate it at this time. Wait until you DC is in school or nursery.

clairethewitch70 · 13/03/2019 12:31

Any Home Start schemes in your area? Maybe they can help.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/03/2019 12:33

I just wondered if there were any schemes to help with this particular situation. Like jury service where sahm can get help with childcare

Yes, there is.

It is called parental leave and it applies to your DH, whose children they also are.

Seriously - not to be flippant but you may be SAHM but they are his kids too and this is exactly what that parental leave is for - a situation where normal arrangements are out of the window! No, he can't take 6 weeks off but he most certainly could and should take the first week and maybe more, while you gauge your recovery situation and just what you think you'll be able to start doing and when, and you can during that time make more concrete plans.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/03/2019 12:34

How can you delay it? Won't that be detrimental to your health. Tell us what surgery it is and there is every chance someone on mumsnet has had that operation and will be able to give more advice.

Springwalk · 13/03/2019 12:35

I have just had major surgery. I have 2 dc older than yours.
Mine was major surgery and it is three months recovery minumum.
Husband used annual leave for the first 3 weeks so we got over the worst. Since then we have muddled through. It is very very hard being in this position with no family support.
My dh makes up all the food, packed lunches, brings up drinks and makes sure meds are out and ready. I went to hobby craft and bought everything I could to keep them entertained every day. I hired a cleaner for an hour a day to help with the bare basics.
With a two year old you will have to think about nappy changes etc. Maybe this is possible with your surgery. You need one room with everything you need in it, and sleep whilst dc sleeps. Use TV music etc to keep your dc entertained. Dh will need to come home and take over, plus all jobs in the house.
If possible he can work from home too?

IrmaFayLear · 13/03/2019 12:36

Confused at the waiting a few years.

LaurieMarlow · 13/03/2019 12:36

I’m not quite sure what you’re looking for here. If you can’t afford temporary childcare and DH can’t take the leave, then you either manage for the 6 weeks or postpone.

This is why people need a buffer of savings. If you’re going to stay at home you probably need that more than most.

Springwalk · 13/03/2019 12:37

I could not delay mine, but if you can delay yours that would be the best choice unless it will have a significant impact

wwwwwwwwwwwwww · 13/03/2019 12:39

If you can time it so it's in the school holidays my local nursery's do holiday club where they take children who are in term time only places. I just had to pay for childcare when I had surgery. Not helpful if you don't have it I know but I think it's that's or unpaid parental leave which also costs.

PercyGherkin · 13/03/2019 12:40

I had a C-section so had an 18 month old to look after, couldn't lift, couldn't drive. Many women have the same problem. Your DH will have to take some time off to start with if there's no one else. When do you carry your two year old? You need to train him/her not to expect to be carried, you need to think about when you lift them and how you can avoid it - eg changing nappies on a mat on the floor not a changing table, having them in a bed not a cot if you're lifting over the side, etc etc, showers instead of baths or just wait until Daddy comes home if they can't climb in themselves.

Arrange for friends to visit you for entertainment for you and your child. When I visited a friend who'd had a hysterectomy, we brought lunch and made it at her house and did the washing up etc.

They say 6 weeks for driving but often it's really until you feel able to to and can do a safe emergency stop. Talk to your doctor and insurer. My mother has just had a gynae op and they said same thing to her.

blackteasplease · 13/03/2019 12:41

If your DH needed the OP he would take time off work wouldn't he? And he would get to recover while you did the childcare.

In the same way you DH needs to take as much time as he possibly can, so that you can get a complete rest and recover. The more you are allowed to do nothing at all in the first few weeks the quicker he can get back to work.

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