Sahm and surgery

[SEsofty]

I need to have some major surgery which will mean that I will be out of action for st least six weeks, no driving, lifting etc

However, I’m a sahm and youngest child is only two and therefore not in any sort of childcare.

Aibu to not know what to do as obviously won’t be able to look after the Cho, husband can’t take six weeks off work and no family support.

Would a nursery even take him for a month only and how are we supposed to pay for this.

Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do

@Ginnymweasley dont be silly that was a general point not specific to the op. The op has good options with her dh taking time off etc

Surely the obvious solution is that your DH takes annual leave. Maybe also tag on one or two weeks of unpaid parental leave if needed (try to time any unpaid leave so that its split across 2 pay packets to spread it out a bit.)

You may well not be out of action for 6 full weeks. I would think 3 /4 weeks would almost certainly get you to the position where you would be able to manage basics by yourself, with your DH covering the extra housework etc in the evening/weekends when he's not at work.

Hysterectomy and c section aren’t the same. There is a lot more internal work which goes on in a hysterectomy, impacts on recovery time. Women can take 6 months to fully recover even without complications.

As you didn’t answer which type of op you will have, I take it you don’t know. Is your uterus enlarged? What about your Fallopian tubes / ovaries? If they are normal size, you may be able to have it done laparoscopically or even vaginally. A prolapse would possibly be vaginally. On the other end of the scale is a large lateral cut from pubis to a couple of inches above the belly button, which is what I had as my uterus was the size of a melon.

I don’t know what sort I will need. I’ve just had a laparoscopy and was told that’s next step.

I thought I’d be up and about a couple of days after the laparoscopy but still in bed over a week later feeling awful and slightly panicking.

My dh has taken a few days leave and I had pre prepped all meals etc for the week

But feeling utterly overwhelmed by the idea of being out of action and in pain for six weeks or so

But I know that it’s my responsibility to sort and I will

Your DH needs to take more than "a few days" leave. Think more like 2 or 3 weeks minimum. Why on earth is he not doing this? He will have
5.6 weeks per year even if he only has the statutory minimum entitlement. Surely there is simply no better reason for using it than to support his wife recovering from an operation?

Firstly, your DH needs to speak to his employer about booking some annual leave it unpaid leave. Even if it's just 2 weeks it will be a massive help to you and allow you to rest completely for the first two weeks.

After that, can you contact your local college who run childcare courses - there may well be a teenager who will be able to help out with the youngest child - playing, prepping a simple lunch etc. And also they may be able/willing to help you with things like making a cup of tea, a bit of hoovering etc. It's worth making enquiries now and then you have ideas in place beforehand.

Or do you have neighbours/people you know locally who either have a teenager or who themselves would be willing to help in a similar way? Perhaps a lady whose children who are at school through the day or someone who is retired.

When I had my c-section (a different thing I know!) The first two weeks were the hardest and then it was quite a bit easier around the house.

In other ways, plan as much as you can - online shopping, batch cook/freeze for meals, discuss with DH what he can do even on the days he is working e.g. make a 'packed lunch' for you and child before he goes, be home in time to do child's bath etc.

I hope you feel better soon and all goes well.

It s not ypur 4esponsibility alone.
It is you and your dh.
You both are in this together.
Your dh can take leave. Prepare stuff before and after work. Do all the shopping cooking cleaning etc. Even if that is begore and after work and all weekend. Find friends family or teenagers to help. It s not just you that has to sort this out.

Just to be clear. I’ve had minor op and should have been up and about in a couple of days.

I am planning for major op which will be at some point in the future, don’t know exactly when

And when I said I it was sort of the royal I , meant we as a couple

I think the OP is really getting a hard time when she genuinely needs advice. I would look at childcare.co.uk for options for help with your little one.

"Willyoujustbequiet

You have a dh count your blessings.
If I get sick my children go into foster care."

How the fuck is your woe is me guilt trip ladden post helpful at ALL???

That would be like telling someone who just got food poisoning that at least they had food to get food poisoning from, many aren't so fortunate!!!

And my other thought is that given as youngest has never had any childcare which would be less distressing for him to adjust to. Out of home at nursery where everything is new or someone at home when he knows that mummy is at home in bed?

You need to get up and about!
If you are still in bed a week after a 'scope that is not right. Do you have a fever? If yes, get to GP and get it sorted. Wounds oozing? Get to GP. Feeling unwell generally? Get to GP. Calf pain / chest pain - get to GP.
Yes, it will hurt to move initially, but you will not break anything. Yes, you will be tired and lack energy. Yes, you may well have trapped wind and constipation. All these things will get better if you move, and will get worse if you don't.
Otherwise, the longer you stay in bed, the worse your pain will be and the greater the risk of serious complications.

hollow

Wow that was an incredibly unhelpful post. Op is asking for advice as to how best to manage.

She is lying in bed in pain ffs have some humanity.

I had a hysterectomy 2 weeks ago Monday. My partner is going to work this Monday so 3 weeks post op. I am completely able to manage now so after 3 weeks will.be fine. Would have been better sooner but ended up with bruised bladder, bladder and kidney infection and chest infection post surgery. So in a nutshell depends on the op, and your recovery

I too have had a laparoscopy and would second the advice about getting up and moving even if you are uncomfortable op. The gas they use needs to come out, and this happens with movement. Take some pain relief if you need it, and try.
If you can’t, then think about getting a proper medical assessment or calling the ward. I was up and doing things by day three. There may be a reason why you feel so bad.

OP, you're getting an unnecessary kicking here.

However, there have been suggestions and you haven't said if any of them could work for you - eg DH taking annual leave and/or a combination of parental leave (i appreciate parental leave is harder as he won't be paid for it).

I would second the idea of getting someone in your home. A nanny or student/mothers help who could come a few hours a day. There's a cost, sure, but it's not as much as sending DC to full time childcare and means that after the first few weeks (which hopefully DH can cover), when your'e at least a bit better, you have at least a few hours a day to get some help. A mothers help, coming in for the tea time/bed time routine might be relatively inexpensive while saving your sanity.

Also, do you have friends with children you could do babysit swapping with? So discuss now if you can bank some babysitting time by taking their children ahead of your surgery and/or commit to days once you're recovered, and they then take DS while you're ill - book and plan those days now (I have a friend with whom we do this for nights out - we don't track it obsessively anymore as we've been doing it for years, but it means we're well established as babysitters and she will happily collect my DC from school in an emergency and have them for a few hours and vice versa).

Also, you haven't said how close to 3 your DS is. If he's close to it, then perhaps delay surgery but just a few months so that you can get him into 15 hours free childcare? That at least takes care of SOME of the time.

Finally, you say no family support etc but do yo have family somewhere else where you could pay for them to come to you and help out?

And to answer your last question, I'd be inclined to care at home if possible. It's familiar environment, and your helper can ask you for advice if necessary.

If you do take up the 15 hours childcare, then that's fine and I'd suggest keeping it up after you're recovered, even if on a lower basis.

M

OP - I'm also shocked at the unpleasant and unhelpful replies you are getting to your question.

I second the suggestions of HV, Homestart and trying to find a student to help. I would suggest advertising locally (newsagent, local facebook group etc) as you might find the colleges are not very forthcoming - I once tried approached a college under similar circumstances and was told that I would have to be in the same room as the student at all times as they were not fully trained.

Good luck OP. Hope the op goes well.

And if I were working then I would be eligible for tax free childcare or tax credits, which would pay for significant amount of any childcare needed.

Surely you already qualify for tax credits. If your dh isnt on a huge wage you would already get some help. Not childcare, but something.

You may find, if you returned to work, you dont get any. Unless he is on a very low wage and you are too. You may not get sick pay either. Just ssp. Childcare isnt covered by tax credits. So you would be down on money.

I get that its worrying but waiting until you are working may not make this any better.

Why cant he ask to take 2-3 weeks annual leave?

I've had two lapriscopic for my endo, the last one I had it everywhere and required a ton of resectioning and removal. I was on my own with ds who has major sn's. I was slightly terrified because he's prone to violent meltdowns but we managed. My recovery was longer because of the extensive removal and the involvement of multiple organs, but when you don't have a choice you manage to get it done. If you can ask friends for help do that. I live on the opposite side of the country from family but I had friends who helped walk the dog. Other than that I batch cooked ahead of time and make sure the house was spic and span. You'll manage because you have to.
If you are in a ton of pain from your last surgery talk to your GP. It is however likely gas and as everyone above has said you need to move so it was get out. If they were only looking around in there that is the most likely culprit.

Have you looked at having a keyhole hysterectomy? I had mine done Friday teatime, was back in bed watching soaps by 8.00, had drain & catheter out at 5.30am & was on my way home by 8.30am. I had minimal pain, 3 small cuts, the longest was only 6cm on my bikini line. I was up & about, I drove by the Monday & by a week later was more or less back to normal, just being a bit careful with lifting. I had mine done NHS choose & book at my local private hospital, I was able to choose when I had it done, my son was 7 when I had it done & I'm a single parent.

Also, can DH request short term flexible working? Eg working from home/ changing hours or even dropping to a shorter week for a while - so some financial impact but not as much?

Another thought, what does your DH do? A lot of large corporates have emergency childcare services. There is a cost usually, so it might not work, but it's worth checking out.

@Springwalk, totally sympathise have been there myself literally couldn't move, had twin babies. Had to get an emergency nanny temporarily. Was on maternity leave at the time. But you have to think of what's possible rather than say no to everything!

Arent there websites where you can bid for a person and a job like for $%? maybe try that I am sure they have childcare sections.