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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sahm and surgery

138 replies

SEsofty · 13/03/2019 11:56

I need to have some major surgery which will mean that I will be out of action for st least six weeks, no driving, lifting etc

However, I’m a sahm and youngest child is only two and therefore not in any sort of childcare.

Aibu to not know what to do as obviously won’t be able to look after the Cho, husband can’t take six weeks off work and no family support.

Would a nursery even take him for a month only and how are we supposed to pay for this.

Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do

OP posts:

Heismyopendoor · 13/03/2019 13:54

I’ve also had three sections and again it’s just one of those things, you have to do your best and DH takes time off as can be afforded.

Oartistic · 13/03/2019 13:55

I am a bit shocked at some of the unkind responses on here.

OP, I had a big operation when my DC were little (I was/am a SAHM). I developed an infection and was very ill afterwards. XH refused to help, so I took the DC to my parents' house for the first week. I could just about stagger to the loo, but that was the extent of my movement. My dad had to carry me to his car from the hospital.

Obviously this isn't an option for you - but the good thing is that your DH can presumably take some leave. By the end of the first week post op, I was able to stand, walk short distances very slowly, etc. It was hard, but a skeleton version of normal service was resumed (had to return home because DC1 was at school). I didn't do anything other than basic food and childcare, but the DC were ok. So you may well find that if your DH can help you though the first week or so, you will be able to muddle through the rest.

As your DS is used to being at home with you, I think it would be very hard for him to have to go to a nursery/CM all of a sudden, even if you were one of these amazing people who had infinite reserves of savings to draw on. If you can keep his life as normal as possible in the circs, it's obviously much better for him.

I hope it goes well for you.

Foodylicious · 13/03/2019 13:56

Can you make a practical list of all the things you can do now and organise to prepare?

Batch cooking
Anything around the house that will make your recovery easier? Bedroom layout etc.

Plan for online shopping

Try to start budgeting now for a cleaner if you think that would free up OHs time to do other stuff round the house/with OH.

Recovery is so varied for everyone.
6 weeks is a bit of a guide.
Some people are back to relative normality a lot sooner others may have added complications of infection or something.
So I guess you can only plan so far.

How long till LO qualifies for free 30hrs childcare?

Oartistic · 13/03/2019 13:56

PS I also had a c section when DC1 was a very small toddler, and that was fine. The other operation was much worse.

Raspberry88 · 13/03/2019 13:59

It is rather irksome when people who've chosen to be a sahm then ask 'who's going to pay for it' when they need childcare. Like there's a magic childcare fairy who is free bit only for sahms not for wohms who of course pay for their own childcare. 🙄🙄🙄

How do you know that OP chose to be a SAHM...it's the only option for lots of people? Would be lovely if we all had lots of savings and contingency for unexpected things like this but this is the real world...lots of us are taking things as they come. No practical advice I'm afraid OP but good luck with everything

Springwalk · 13/03/2019 14:02

It’s annoying when you put in your post that you have no support, and then lots of posts that tell you it was fine because so and so went to grannies for the second and third week, we all set up a rota to help etc.
Of course they/ you were fine if you had help!!!
That’s the whole point, op doesn’t have any support so it is unhelpful to reel off stories of how people coped when they clearly had a ton of support.

Friedeggsandcustard · 13/03/2019 14:10

Its a tricky one. Any friends who might be able to come and visit for a bit? I have ended up paying for flights for a friend of mine from over seas to come on one occasion. She works from home so was able to come and work over our wifi for a week or so. Any one you know like that?

KeepHimJolene · 13/03/2019 14:15

I came home after major surgery less than 2 hours ago. No help, 3 dc's 18, 12, 10 (and 4th at Uni) No partner. Live in the middle of nowhere cannot drive for 4 weeks. Do as I have done, prep food beforehand to make the first weeks cooking easier. Pre-order an online shop for the second week. Tell friends you may need help with a few things and pay well for petrol, keeping requests to a minimum with no CF requests. Basically, just get on with it and muddle through! You will be surprised what you can achieve. Good Luck

DaisyBD · 13/03/2019 14:16

a c-section is not comparable to a hysterectomy, in my experience (have had both). a hysterectomy is major surgery and took me much longer to recovery from. on the other hand, my mother had a hysterectomy a month or so ago and she is recovering far better than i did (at age 80 compared with my 36), so it may not be as bad as you think. good luck with it all OP, hope you get things sorted.

Original poster

SEsofty · 13/03/2019 14:18

Actually there are a variety of situations when people who are not paying any tax do get assistance with childcare costs.

Eg.

15 hrs for two year olds in certain circumstances
working part time on NMW ( not paying any income tax)
some courses and training have childcare assistance

So I knew that it was highly unlikely that there would be any practical help out there, and that somehow I would need to muddle through.

But I thought that it was worth asking a community of parents if they knew of anything that might be able to help

OP posts:

Ginnymweasley · 13/03/2019 14:21

Op you are getting a hard time from some posters because you are a sahm. For some reason certain posters don't like sahm's even though it does not affect their lives at all.
Speak to your HV she might have some info on local services and good luck. It will all work out in the end I'm sure.

Original poster

SEsofty · 13/03/2019 14:23

Thanks Ginny. I’m just currently in pain and panicking about how to deal with the situation.

I am sure that we will find a way to muddle through and it will be totally worth it after all

OP posts:

ForgivenessIsDivine · 13/03/2019 14:25

Start going to toddler groups and make friends now!! Is your older child at school? School parents and groups will be helpful as we all understand that it is necessary to help people in need.

I moved house when my kids were little and needed help with cover while I went into hospital to have my third child. People helped.

I now live abroad in an ex pat community where people know it's difficult. A new family arrived at school and the mum was seriously ill. People reached out, brought food, had their kids over all day, did pick ups at school etc.

I had an operation last year and was off my feet for 6 weeks. Friends dropped off my shopping and came in to put it away, brought me out to lunch, dropped off food, helped with school runs and taking me to physio. Loads of people offered so I always accepted and tried to spread the load.

Also worth seeing if local colleges have childcare placements and might be able to help.

User07734 · 13/03/2019 14:26

I'd hire a teenager who wants expereince. They will be in the house with you and only doing half the job so you don't need to pay the same fees as a nanny. And won't need the same qualification. Temporary aupair could work too

bobbetybob · 13/03/2019 14:31

I've recently had major gynae surgery. 2 children, 1 st school. Hubby took leave for the week if the op and got permission from work to work at home after that. Earring at home is discouraged but given the circumstances they were very happy to allow it for a few weeks. He does school run house working and comes running if the little hurts himself or has a tantrum. Otherwise i can manage. We've watched a lot more tv than normal.is working at home an option for him?

BishooWishoo · 13/03/2019 14:31

OP. I had to have rectocele repair surgery when on maternity leave and we were extremely luck to have some family support, with DP taking some leave as well. Otherwise I would have had to postpone it until I went back to work and use 6 weeks of sick leave.
It's all very well for people to eyeroll about using money to pay for childcare, but if you're on the breadline, there isn't any money to use, and similar with people suggesting you muddle through - lifting after gynaecological surgery is extremely dangerous to your recovery - you're forbidden to do this for at least 6 weeks post-surgery. Even if you postponed for a year, your 2 year old would be 3, would have 15 hours free childcare and would need less carrying and lifting.

User07734 · 13/03/2019 14:32

Literally ok a 12/13/14 year old would be fine to come in and help as you will be supervising. That can help in the afternoons.

One of those food delivery services or just ready meals and maybe a cleaner once a week if you can afford it.

www.cookfood.net

Friedeggsandcustard · 13/03/2019 14:33

Another thought. I had terrible SPD/ c section when I was a SAHM with a toddler. I had no choice but to teach DD to be quite independent. We got her a step from climbing in and out of her high chair ( supervised of course) etc. For nappy changes we put the changing mat on the sofa so she climbed up and I could sit down. Its not ideal but perhaps start introducing some self help skills for your toddler so you won’t have to lift them all the time.

WildfirePonie · 13/03/2019 14:33

Can't you get the free 15 hours/week nursery? That would help you out also!

User07734 · 13/03/2019 14:39

The hours aren't universally funded till the age of three. Some people qualify but the op probably doesn't.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/03/2019 14:45

You have a dh count your blessings.

Single mum here, family is dead, one child disabled, ex husband refuses to parent at all.

If I get sick my children go into foster care. You have options. Many don't.

Findingthingstough18 · 13/03/2019 14:51

But I thought that it was worth asking a community of parents if they knew of anything that might be able to help

I think you're getting a really hard time here - but I do also think this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been so clear that expecting your DH to take time off work was an unacceptable option. It comes across as a bit much to expect free childcare of some sort because that's more reasonable than inconveniencing a man. I know it would be tough financially for him to take unpaid leave - but what would you do if it were him having the operation and he was on statutory sick pay? Do that, whatever it is (even if it leaves you in debt - it's shit, but worth it if you're currently in pain and won't be after the surgery)

Hollowvictory · 13/03/2019 14:55

The issue is that many women are choosing not to work without taking into account :
-the costs if you can't look after the children for any reason
-no 'slush fund' for unexpected costs
-no pension, what do they think they will retire on?
-no life assurance
-no income should the relationship end
Please folks think ahead!!

cestlavielife · 13/03/2019 15:03

See if you can claim back tax credits for.childcare etc.
You unlikely to be offered free foster care or free childminder as you have a husband who can take parental leave. That is what parental leave is for.
Cheap option hire an au pair for six weeks. .

Ginnymweasley · 13/03/2019 15:16

At no point has OP said she has no pension or life assurance. We also don't know anything about their current financial situation at all. So it seems unfair to use the fact she is a sahm as a stick to beat her with. You act like women always have a choice to become a sahm sometimes it's the only choice. Maybe her dh has just started a new job/ maybe they have just had to use savings to pay for a car or something.
OP is in pain and needing surgery and asked for help. If you don't have any advice other than "you should have thought about this year's ago" then maybe you shouldn't comment. It's not helpful or nice.

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