Sahm and surgery

[SEsofty]

I need to have some major surgery which will mean that I will be out of action for st least six weeks, no driving, lifting etc

However, I’m a sahm and youngest child is only two and therefore not in any sort of childcare.

Aibu to not know what to do as obviously won’t be able to look after the Cho, husband can’t take six weeks off work and no family support.

Would a nursery even take him for a month only and how are we supposed to pay for this.

Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do

What type of surgery? I had a spine operation and had 3 days in hospital then after 2 weeks at home I was ok my own with dd 2.5. Like pp’s have said dh will probably need to take annual leave or unpaid parental leave to help you at first, then you’ll have to take it easy. Dh willneed to sort meals, cleaning & washing etc whilst you are indisposed.

I'm not sure what you're expecting either.
You fund things like this via savings or insurance. Your DH may be able to get a week or 2 off as compassionate leave on full pay. Other than that you muddle through.
Being ill is expensive. DD was in hospital for 2 weeks and then immobile for another 4. You can't even get childcare to support this sort of thing - (between DH and I) we had to take 6 weeks off work; it cost us a small fortune.

If its something that needs to be done now could your dh take 2 weeks holiday/unpaid leave to get you through the worst and then you can muddle through for the rest? I know loads of SAHM's that needed hysterectomies or similar and they (and myself) we up on our feet pretty quick. As long as there is no heavy lifting or driving you might be ok? You might be able to find a mothers helper or minder who can help out a few hours a day

If its something that can be put off maybe put it off until your children are a bit bigger so they dont need as much lifting and are a bit more self sufficient.

You may not be able to wait that long. I’d look to see how long your dh can take off. He probably needs a week to look after you and dd unless you can get a nursery / childminder. I’d plan for him to have the day you go in and the day you come out at the very least. You’ll likely need the day after in case you need to visit the gp to get some prescription meds - I was chucked out of hospital with zero painkillers. Plan to get some in advance. High strength co codamol at the very least. I also get morphine. But I am a chronic pain sufferer. You will most likely get some in hospital but may not get once you aren’t.

I had major surgery last year and again a month ago. I was exhausted and a 2 yo is very tiring. I had a hysterectomy, a very large lateral scar, which takes a lot longer to heal than a c-section for example. So it really depends on what you are having the surgery for. No way would I have coped with a little child and for a lot longer than 6 weeks post hysterectomy. But this second one op wasn’t as bad. Major surgical repair but without all the extra internals.

Tbh unless your dh is a very low earner nursery / nanny etc will be cheaper or not cost more than taking time off work. And he won’t have the added stress of work piling up if no one takes over when he’s away.

Then you have an older child? They’ll perhaps need to be in childcare before / after school. With dd this time, dh has been dropping her off at a childminder in the morning and i have people on rota bringing her home after school.

Have you got any family who could help out a couple of days a week once your husband goes back to work. Obviously you can’t expect free childcare for 6 weeks from a provider.

I had an op when youngest had just started reception. I was told similar to you re recovery times.

DH took 3 days off for my op (on a Wed) then from the Monday he took kids to school in the morning and I went v slowly on crutches for afternoon pick up. First day 10 minute walk took best part of an hour! I couldn’t drive for 6 weeks. So got kids to and from school and that was that. No cleaning was done, no activities in the week unless friends could do lifts, supermarket shop at weekends. We coped. We have no family close by and no ability to buy in paid childcare.

I need another op, but am postponing till youngest is in secondary, as this one is more major. First one just bought me a few years until the big op. However, having it will improve the quality of my life enormously, although not life threatening.

So hugs to you, op. Don’t listen to those querying why you might delay.

Think realistically about the benefits of the op and the downside of the few weeks you will be housebound. What does the six weeks recovery look like? Mine was not being able to get out of bed day1 to slowly shuffling along a few days later to feeling like a fraud still on crutches at 4 weeks.

Good luck!

It’s a hysterectomy. So not life threatening but quality of life is majorly affected by it and therefore I need to have it done.

We will have to find a way to muddle through with leave and maybe a loan for some childcare.

I was just asking if anyone had any tips or advice on how to handle this situation.

Of course ideally we’d have plenty of savings but we, like millions of people, don’t.

I am just dipping a toe into how difficult dealing with illness is once you have children. And clearly there isn’t a magic bullet and we will need to work something out

why can your DH not take parental leave?

This kind of thing is surely something you should think about when deciding to be a SAHM?

Willow- could you really afford not to have any income for six weeks?

And we planned and thought about all sorts of things before I became a sahm but no major surgery wasn’t on the list

Why do you need a hysterectomy? What type of incision is the surgeon going to use?

If your quality of life is not good, the reality it could get worse. I have the t-shirt on that one. Had I has one 5 years ago for example, perhaps my uterus would have been small enough to be removed via horizontal c-section scar. Then it would have healed and I wouldn’t have needed emergency surgery 6 weeks ago.

If you’re being offered to have it done via key hole, that’s even better.

What type of operation is planned, if you can have a laparoscopic hysterectomy the recovery time should be shorter.

Your DH needs to take parental leave (unpaid) or annual leave (paid) or a combination of both.

Any family/friends who can travel to you? Anyone who would have your toddler a few mornings for a week?

e.g.

Weeks 1 & 2 annual leave
Week 3 unpaid parental leave/a relative to visit?
Week 4 muddle through with a bit of luck and help from a mate taking toddler?

Can you put some money aside every month now you know you'll need to cover some income in future months? I appreciate money will probably be tight with only one wage-earner, but if you plan now you can mitigate it a bit.

I think that I do need to have it done sooner rather than later.

I’m just panicking a bit about the whole thing.

Absolutely no family support

You have a DH, so he should be the first point of help and support. As you have children he can apply for government backed dependant leave. He can also take paid holiday and may need to ask for some unpaid leave.

If it's likely to be a few months e.g. summer holidays, there will likely be students/teens who would be happy to help out with some in-home childcare (so you'd be around, but they could do all the heavy lifting/meal prep/getting on the floor to play/chasing). Ask around...

I’ve recsntly had an operation and my husband took some time off work, then after that friends did the school run and my 2yo just played while I sat on the sofa. It was boring and hard, and I just shuffled to the kitchen to get snacks and lunch, and to warm the kids dinner. My husband had to sort everything in the evenings after he got home at 7. We made it through though.

How old is your 2-year-old? Just 2, or closer to 3 and funded childcare hours?

As you’ll know childcare funding kicks in at 3 so maybe waiting is the only realistic option but have you worked out actual costs? It’s easy not to when feeling overwhelmed.

Assuming no help available:

Husband takes leave for 2 weeks
2 weeks of a temporary nanny for 6 hours a day - 60 x £12 (average in our area according to google) so £720.
Last two weeks - get a cleaning company in to do a deep clean in the first week £120

It’s a lot but actually it’s likely that week 3 and 4 is worst case scenerio.

I know someone for instance who 3 and 4 who went to a Butljns type place . Fully catered. Cleaning done. Activities laid on. Husband spent weekends.

Try not to be disheartened by some of the negative comments on this thread. Sometimes we have to go with what works for our family 99.5% of the time and can have things in place for everything

My mums hysterectomy was done vaginally so not cutting, which halved the recovery time.

Are you definitely being cut? Talk to your surgeon about having it done vaginally.

It sounds very tough OP, I’m sorry. I’d suggest a) as much of DH’s annual leave as possible b) asking around for temporary childminder placements or even a childcare student from a local college (should be cheap) who wants experience c) for the last few weeks asking friends to take your toddler out for the morning to allow you to rest up. Please don’t be afraid to ask - if someone in your circumstances told me about this I’d happily have your little one round for a play and lunch.

It is rather irksome when people who've chosen to be a sahm then ask 'who's going to pay for it' when they need childcare. Like there's a magic childcare fairy who is free bit only for sahms not for wohms who of course pay for their own childcare. 🙄🙄🙄

I had keyhole surgery when my dd was 18 months. Obviously not on the same scale but I did have a few complications afterwards. My dh took 1 week unpaid followed by 10 days holiday. I then survived by just doing the bare minimum for a week or so.
If you need the surgery then your dh is going to have to work something out to at least have the 1st 2 weeks off as I imagine they will be the worst. Otherwise you may just have to muddle through.

In your situation, ie no savings, no support, and dh can't afford to take unpaid leave; I would get an (evening/weekends?) job now to do once your dh is home. I'd do that till I'd saved enough to pay for 2 weeks unpaid leave for dh. Then, 2 weeks annual leave, 2 weeks unpaid leave, last 2 weeks muddle through.

When is dc 3 and entitled to some free childcare? Might that make it easier if they were already in a nursery a couple of days per week so your dh only had to take off 3 days for the first couple of weeks? Plus the nursery might then be happier to take dc for a few extra sessions if they had space.