Sahm and surgery

[SEsofty]

I need to have some major surgery which will mean that I will be out of action for st least six weeks, no driving, lifting etc

However, I’m a sahm and youngest child is only two and therefore not in any sort of childcare.

Aibu to not know what to do as obviously won’t be able to look after the Cho, husband can’t take six weeks off work and no family support.

Would a nursery even take him for a month only and how are we supposed to pay for this.

Has anyone been in this situation and what did you do

Sahm's are the childcare that's the point so it's not exactly ridiculous to assume that they don't have the funds to pay for childcare. We don't know the ops full situation do We? I would struggle to find 6 weeks of extra childcare as I imagine many people would.

It depends on the route your surgeon is planning. Abdominal, what type of incision (midline or pfannensteil), total laparoscopic (All done via 'keyhole', Laparoscopic assisted or robotic?

Even with abdominal, as long as you are recovering OK, you won't be out of complete action for the full 6 weeks. Although it is wise to plan incase things change.

And if I were working then I would be eligible for tax free childcare or tax credits, which would pay for significant amount of any childcare needed.

But I won’t be working instead I will be recovering but won’t be eligible for any tax free childcare.

I will just save every penny now and ask around for child minders who might be able to take him on short notice.

I had keyhole surgery, is that an option? Was back driving and walking the dogs in 10 days. Any local playgroups someone could take him to?

And if I were working then I would be eligible for tax free childcare or tax credits, which would pay for significant amount of any childcare needed

But you’re not working, not paying any tax so not eligible. I’m not sure why you’re bringing this up. Do you feel like you’re getting a raw deal?

Have you ever had a c section OP? Because if not you might be able to have a laparoscopic hysterectomy and the recovery time is more like 2 weeks than 5/6.

If I were at work then I would be paid

Not necessarily. A lot of people would only be on SSP which would be pretty useless for childcare

After my section I was lifting my older child after a week and driving at ten days, could probably have driven at a week. If it's a vaginal hysterectomy you can probably get away with your husband taking 2w off and then you'll be ok with basic childcare

(this isn't individual medical advice!)

This kind of thing is surely something you should think about when deciding to be a SAHM?

Because most people factor in how they will cope after surgery when weighing up whether to be a sahm or not? Seems to be missing from the zillions of threads on here. Maybe you should bring it up

OP you need to plan ahead and he should ask work if he can take all his annual leave in one go. He also needs to take over the entire running of the house, even if he's been to work. If he can get weeks off to help initially and then get kids looked after by care providers for a few weeks then you should be sorted. Get some money saved for it beforehand type of thing.

After my full abdominal hysterectomy the first couple of weeks were the worst, maybe your husband could have a couple of weeks holiday then see how you feel but truly the first two weeks were the worst. After that just do the absolute bare minimum and you’ll be ok.

I think you’re getting a hard time from some on here because you’re a SAHM. As you say, when making that decision you didn’t factor in major surgery and plan for it, I don’t think most people would.
I had 2 c sections, for dc3 and dc4. So I had 2 then 3 young children to care for. I couldn’t drive for the full 6 weeks with the first but recovered a lot faster from the second, so you may find 6 weeks is more than you need.
You’ll need dh at home the first few days, but then you have to just get on with it, and accept that all you can do is the minimum to get you and dc through the day. Teach dc you can’t pick them up but they can cuddle on the sofa, that you can’t run round but you can read books/ watch kids tv/ play with toys on the sofa. They’re remarkably adaptable things, kids, and soon get the idea.

OP, I had a hysterectomy 9 years ago. I was in hospital for 3 days afterwards (lucky to have private health via work), then came home over a weekend, so DH was off. at the time DC were 11 and 3 and youngest was at nursery. I was fortunate that my Mum came and stayed for first 2 weeks and DD was at nursery, so Mum helped with cooking for the kids, cleaning etc. tbh I slept a lot for the first 2 weeks, and this definitely helped me heal. You really need to take it easy the first few weeks otherwise you could do more damage and increase healing time. Batch cooking food you can freeze will make things easier and online shops to arrive when your husband is at home. If you don;t have other family you can rely on, you'll certainly need hubby around for the first week, 2 if possible, after that time you'll probably be able to manage better. and as others have said ask for help from friends. even if its just having your little one for a couple of hours, so you can sleep, every extra hour of sleep will help you recover.

Have you the space for an au pair? It would need to be someone who could do more hours than the usual, but they would be supervised by you.

I really recommend you getting the operation. There is never a great time for it, but it is affecting your quality of life now. You want to look back on your DC's early years with happiness, not regretting them.

my mum had a radical hysterectomy a few years back as it was linked to menopause issues and irregular cells she had more removed than usual, while she was told she would be out of action for 6 weeks, and told she had more internal stitches so it could be longer, no heavy lifting, driving , etc she really wasn't too bad at all, the first week including a few day's in hospital she stayed in bed / rested ,after that aside from no bending down to make beds, no driving and no vacuuming she was fine, we had arranged a rota but it wasn't needed and stopped week two, and she was very happy babysitting grandkids . The main weekly shop was done for her as the lifting in and out of trolley was too hard, but your dh can do that, she had no problem putting grandchild in buggy and wandering to local shop, first few weeks she'd say to people in shop if she was buying say potatoes, she wasn't suppose to lift or bend too much could they put shopping in bottom of buggy they all did no problem. The driving was more an annoyance than anything, luckily she had two very good female friends who gave her lifts and stopped her being so bored. She wasn't supposed to do things like carry big loads of laundry round house, and out to line so she just do a smaller load at a time, pre op we stocked up freezer with meals my dad could put in oven when he got home but actually most cooking wasn't a problem after 2nd week. Grandkids were all able to get themselves out of cots onto loo etc if she held their hand , she had one of those booster step things in bathroom for teeth washing etc we just got another for bedroom . This may be more of an issue for you if your little fellows only 2 how much lifting of him do you have to do , could he take naps etc on mat on floor if getting him in and out of cot is too hard? Would your budget stretch to may be a house cleaner for a couple of hours once a week to do the heavy stuff and awkward bending like vacuuming, bed sheet changing , washing out bath , rest you will be able to manage

I had a csection and was a loan parent so had to cope with a newborn 3 year old, 5 year old and 6 year old. I got by just doing the bare mimimum. Im sure you will cope.

Not a hysterectomy but I had a big liver op with an enormous opening (I won’t upload a picture of the scar ) and was told I’d be absolutely useless for 6-8 weeks or something and then in pain for another 3 months. I can’t remember. Anyway my recovery was a lot, lot faster and I was back at work after 8 days. Definitely tired but coping.

So obviously you need to prepare for it to take as long as they suggest, but lots and lots of people will have a much better recovery time. Hoping you will too

It is rather irksome when people who've chosen to be a sahm then ask 'who's going to pay for it' when they need childcare. Like there's a magic childcare fairy who is free bit only for sahms not for wohms who of course pay for their own childcare. 🙄🙄🙄

Working mothers mostly get sick pay and already have a some childcare in place.

I used to work in gynae.
You will have the same work done internally irrespective of the incision/route which will mean no lifting for as long as your surgeon advises.
The pain levels will be different depending on incision.
As long as you can avoid the lifting - and your youngest DC would appear to be at a manageable age for cooperating and not NEEDING to be lifted, you should be ok.
Get the surgery done - you will feel crap if you delay.
Can DP do drop offs at school and you either do pickups or get a friend or go in a taxi until you can drive? DP will need to shop, no extra activities unless DP can deal with it.
Your youngest will have to play more independently.
You will NOT be completely incapacitated or in bed for 6 weeks! Far from it. But you will be tired. Get youngest to come and have snuggle time with you and a story in the afternoon.
Hope all goes smoothly.

I had major orthopaedic hip surgery when my baby was 4 months old. My husband took 2 weeks off, his grandma came and stayed for another 2 weeks and then I just cotton with it. Baby gate on the living room door, lots of telly. My husband made me pack lunches which I ate on the sofa, changed baby on the sofa, played on the sofa. Friends came over as and when they could so we could have a chance of scenery, but it is absolutely doable.

Sorry not cotton, got on

Get an au pair or maybe student in need of extra cash?

I broke my ankle in December. Was off my feet in a cast for 6 weeks, I have a 5 year old DD who luckily for me, was able to go to her dads Monday to Friday to ensure she was able to get to and from school and I would have her at the weekends. I also had a load of support from family and friends. And really can't imagine how I would have managed otherwise. Bearing in mind you can feel quite unwell for a while after surgery.

I think you will need to come up with some sort of arrangement. There is no way you can just get on with it.

I'm not sure what the solution is but you'll need to come up with something.

Without wanting to sound flippant, I think that this should be fairly easily sorted. After all, lots and lots of women have cesarean sections when they have young toddlers at home and can't then lift or drive for a few weeks.

I had my second C-section when I had a 3 year old and a 14 month old already. No childcare. We only had one car so I couldn't drive even if I'd wanted to. DH took 2 weeks annual leave and then I had to muddle through. The two toddlers were 'trained' to use a step to get into their chairs, cot, the bath etc. I changed nappies on the floor. It was fine, honestly.

I had a big operation a few years ago and was off my feet for two months. DH took a week and half off work and that was all we could afford.

I had a just turned 2 year old, a baby and an older child at school. I just had to get on with it. I got people to help with the school run and my husband would make lunch and leave it in the fridge so I just had to serve it to the 2 year old and baby was on milk and just a little food. We just got through it and managed and as the weeks went on and on I got stronger and felt better.

Can I say op as someone still in recovery from a very big operation - my 12 week guide looks pretty accurate from here. I can understand why you feel as you do completely.

A) I am expected to manage somehow but I know if my dh had the very same thing he would not be caring for any dc period, and would expect to have the Rolls Royce of nursing. You realise when you are in this position, that the buck really does stop with you, even if you are half dead or unable to cope. Yes he can take a few weeks off, but then what?

B) It is very upsetting to not have any family support whatsoever. It’s one of the only times when family really ought to help, and difficult for friends to come over and do the kinds of embarrassing things that are needed when you are early in the recovery. Most people have this help. You can feel very vulnerable without it at times like this.

I would max out on the help, you can always cut back if your recovery is better then hoped. Save up and take your time finding someone kind and trustworthy to help you. If you feel better have them come to your house.

Try not to panic. We all get through these things somehow and you will too. 💐