Birthday day out and gift for guest

[Meandacat]

I honestly don't know who's BU here...me or other mum.
DD's birthday soon, and she said she didn't want party this year, but she did want to go to Build A Bear as she has never built her own bear before. DD is an only child, so I suggested she might like to take a friend. DD agreed, chose friend (saga in intself), I got in touch with friend's mum to say I'd take the girls to B-A-B, then nice lunch and cinema trip. In conversation later with mum, I realised she thought i was going to buy her DD a bear at B-A-B too. This was not my intention, although I was intending to buy her DD something else... e.g. from their bear accessories...as part of her "party bag" (and even then I'd thought to myself this was more than a kid would normally get in a party bag (at least in these parts) but never mind...it was only one, after all).

But now i feel completely embarrassed and like I've given a false impression and am coming across as tight-fisted. In my head, I'm thinking "why would I buy your child the same/similar thing that my daughter is getting as her birthday present". But I can also now see that she might think "why would you take a child to B-A-B and not buy them a bear." I've since checked and realised the cheapest bears are only a couple of quid dearer than a bear outfit. What do I do? Leave it at the outfit or go back and offer to buy a bear after all? And if so, how do I politely say that it would have to be one of the "cheap" bears?

Don't worry OP, it was an innocent mistake and you rectified it right away. It sounds like a fun day, I would even like a birthday like that for myself!

Sorry haven’t rtft but do you have a bab outlet near you, they are about 30% cheaper for everything but you still get the same experience, my dd doesn’t even know there are proper shops!!!

My dd was invites to BaB when she was 7. The other mum bought them exactly the same ' cat' as they wanted to be the same. She had explained she would buy it.
Parties can cost a lot more than two bears.

I can't believe people would expect young kids to just watch. She said specifically BaB not come to watch dd buy her present.

The shopping analogy is different as usually the kids are older and it's not an experience like cinema or eating.

FFS

I cannot believe this thread is still going! The OP has recognised and rectified her mistake; she doesn't need to be told the same thing over and over again when she's already accepted the initial misunderstanding.

OP - I hope your DD and her friend have a lovely day out, along with yourself.

Treat yourself to some and too!

I cannot believe this thread is still going! The OP has recognised and rectified her mistake; she doesn't need to be told the same thing over and over again when she's already accepted the initial misundersta

I think it's because other people ( only a few) thought the same thing.

Great that Op has rectified it though.

They are 2 for £28 at the moment so second one won’t cost much.

For the person that commented on bab not being an activity that’s not true is it? A number of soft play centres also do build a best parties and I held one and all children got the same. It’s not normal to invite a child out and not let them join in - my god it’s one child it’s not going to break the bank. Most children would feel upset that they weren’t also getting a bear because kids are quite selfish until they get older and wouldn’t get enjoyment from watching someone else get a bear and they’re not. Why deliberately rub a child’s face in it? They would then feel upset inside for the rest of the day. The child being invited is not being considered at all here. Its tight-fisted and mean to do this at this age. You should just do the cinema and meal if you can’t afford a bear for the friend. That’s just normal and good manners.

• bear not best

@GreenTulip you're being wilfully obtuse if you think the BAB isn't one of the birthday activities. It takes an hour to build your bear - would you honestly be ok with a child trailing round for an hour, watching another child do BAB? It IS an activity and it's sold as an activity. YOU are ridiculous if you think otherwise. Fine if you don't want it to be part of the birthday treat with a guest - but do it at a different time and just take guest to lunch and cinema! The fact that OP lives too far to do this is not the guest's problem - it's OP's as host to sort out. She has already seen that she was wrong.

Actually I have 3 teens - the children here are tweens so what 11/12?

They are old enough to understand it a birthday present and mine would have to good grace to help a friend choose what they wanted and help them decide on accessories without being demanding or upset.

None of mine would be bothered that they didn’t get a bear and understand they are their for a friend and would enjoy the pizza and cinema.

I think they are overpriced marketing ploy and mine wouldn’t be happy to accept such an expensive item. Saying that none of mine played with dolls or teddies.

So I’m not obtuse thank you very much.

Some people are very entitled, how about thanks for the invite, that’s very kind of you to take them out for the day and feed them, have a nice time, let me know if I can contribute anything?

Why would you take a child to build a bear, let her watch her friend get one and all she gets is an accessory for a bear she possibly doesn’t have. Surely the day out is a replacement for the party not your daughters entire present. My dd went to a build a bear party and all 10 of them got bears and outfits. If you invite a child to build a bear I’d definitely think there would be expectation to buy one. Sorry op yabu

It's not entitled to accept an invitation to a birthday celebration and assume that thr host will be including your child in all activities at their expense - it's how most people understand birthday 'parties' to work 🙄.

It's great that your kids would be happy to walk round BAB for an hour, watching their friend make a bear - probably because, as you say, they're not interested in bears. What if they were going to a pottery painting place and couldn't choose a pot and paint - just had to watch the birthday child!?

Yeah YABU. You said BAB is an alternative to a party, but then say the bear is her birthday gift so why works you buy one for someone else's kid? Do you only give your kid a party OR a birthday gift? Build a bear for 2 plus cinema plus lunch is still cheaper than a budget party. The bear is your daughters party, not her birthday gift. If you wanted the cinema and lunch to be her party you should have invited her as a cinema and lunch party guest and not mentioned BAB.

I know OP has accepted she needs to buy the bear but I think people are still commenting as it’s been somewhat grudgingly. She’s stated ‘at no point have I said it’s a party’ despite providing party bags for the day, despite saying this day out was an alternative to having a party. I assume invited girl will turn up with a present as you would to a party. Personally I think party bags are unnecessary as he bear would be in lieu. We often go on a small holiday in place of a party which means the siblings and any friends invited or met up with benefit equally but then birthday child will still get some presents from myself family and those friends.

Also you can buy BAB accessories online in sure. Give both girls a limited budget then let dd select some more accessories/clothes once home?

OP I'm glad you get it now. I was going to say YABVU but I won't as I see you realise already. Well done! I'm sure it will all be forgotten and they will have a lovely day. You aren't the only one to ever get it wrong!

@GreenTulips you say “mine would have to good grace to help a friend choose what they wanted and help them decide on accessories without being demanding or upset” and “None of mine would be bothered that they didn’t get a bear”!! Your 3 children are teenagers!! Children mature very quickly in these few years! Where one wouldn’t expect a 14 year old to be upset, it is highly likely that most 10/11 year olds would be upset! Are you being defensive because you acted in a similar way and made other children stand and watch your child doing a birthday activity, because that’s what you thought was okay?

Meandacat (love the name) Pleased that both children are going to build a bear now. Just a thought, perhaps get in touch with other child’s mother and say something along the lines of, silly me, don’t know what I was thinking of, of course both children will get a bear! Only saying as my sil, having found out that, after accepting invite to birthday party, she was expected to pay towards birthday activity her daughter was invited to. She phoned up on the morning and said sorry her child was ill and couldn’t go! Not because child was ill, but because she couldn’t afford the activity cost as well as a present, and this was the least embarrassing way out.

No I haven’t done the same! I just don’t see it as an activity or an experience - it’s buying a cuddly toy.

I don’t see it as exciting or even slightly interesting!

It’s just buying a gift - that’s all

Greentulips - so why is the op even bothering doing bab then? Just go and buy a bear a ready made as the birthday present that takes 5 minutes and be done with it. It’s because bab is an experience and that’s why children get excited. Why wouldn’t the dd want to share the excitement with her friend properly? Don’t know why you don’t understand that when you have three children? Strange view. It’s just not a nice thing to do to buy for yours and not the other child, and I think children would be hurt and confused by it so why take that risk? I buy my kids friends the same as them if I just pick them up from school and we pop to the shops and my kids would like a treat or two. I would never hurt a kids feelings by making them feel left out. It’s just unkind. Just because you don’t see it the same way as a child doesn’t mean you ignore their feelings. A bit selfish.

Forget the cinema and buy her a bear. Yes I would expect that. I would not want my child watching the birthday girl getting a bear. How sad. You’ve misjudged but it can be put right easily.

I'd assume you were letting her have a bear too, surely the point of the activity is that all children build a bear (not that I've been!) Why not do that instead of cinema/ meal?