Birthday day out and gift for guest

[Meandacat]

I honestly don't know who's BU here...me or other mum.
DD's birthday soon, and she said she didn't want party this year, but she did want to go to Build A Bear as she has never built her own bear before. DD is an only child, so I suggested she might like to take a friend. DD agreed, chose friend (saga in intself), I got in touch with friend's mum to say I'd take the girls to B-A-B, then nice lunch and cinema trip. In conversation later with mum, I realised she thought i was going to buy her DD a bear at B-A-B too. This was not my intention, although I was intending to buy her DD something else... e.g. from their bear accessories...as part of her "party bag" (and even then I'd thought to myself this was more than a kid would normally get in a party bag (at least in these parts) but never mind...it was only one, after all).

But now i feel completely embarrassed and like I've given a false impression and am coming across as tight-fisted. In my head, I'm thinking "why would I buy your child the same/similar thing that my daughter is getting as her birthday present". But I can also now see that she might think "why would you take a child to B-A-B and not buy them a bear." I've since checked and realised the cheapest bears are only a couple of quid dearer than a bear outfit. What do I do? Leave it at the outfit or go back and offer to buy a bear after all? And if so, how do I politely say that it would have to be one of the "cheap" bears?

Yes you need to buy the other child one. If you need to cut lunch and just do cinema with hotdogs/popcorn etc

You would also be unreasonable to direct the friend to the 'cheap' bears too whilst your DD browses the shop.

Yes, sorry @Meandacat you can't do this! If my DS was invited to something like this then I'd expect him to be getting a bear too. Although I'd also probably acknowledge that it's a real treat for DS so I'd send some sweets for them to share at the cinema. That's just me though, I wouldn't expect others to do that

Don't do a party bag, just pay for the guest to have a bear. It doesn't matter if it's a cheaper one; just emphasise that your daughter is getting a special birthday bear. I'd understand if my child was getting a bear out of the trip but that it wasn't an expensive one (I hear they're all not exactly cheap, so I'd be happy they got any bear tbh).

YABU. Does she have to pay for her own lunch and cinema ticket too?

No she has to leave after the trailers!!

Yeah, I can see how the other mum thought you were intending to treat their child as rather more than an onlooker to your child’s enjoyment.

You say you were going to buy an accessory for the child, what’s the point of that? Oh here’s an outfit for a bear you don’t have.
It is rather like inviting a guest to a theme park and saying you can’t go on any rides but you can watch the party girl go on rides.

You screwed up, you should have arranged to take your child to BAB alone then invited the guest to meet you for lunch and movie.

I can’t believe you would even consider this .

You liken it to being more expensive than a party bag, but you only buy party bags when you have a whole crowd of kids- not just one!

If the bear is a present for your daughter, don’t take her friend. If it’s an activity, you pay for her friend. If it’s too expensive, don’t do lunch AND the cinema as well!

Have you not had much experience in having friends round/doing parties?

Honestly, how would your child feel being taken as a ‘treat’ to Build a Bear to watch someone else get a bear, but not her! Or being told you can have one, but you’ve got to choose it from the cheapo section!

I think you need to buy the child a bear otherwise go another day and just have lunch? It doesn't seem fair for her to just watch and feel left out?

Also were you aware that your daughters bear will be the cost of her age if it's her birthday week? So if she's 5 would only be a fiver?

No she has to leave after the trailers!!

Ha!!!

YABU, OP 😬

Yeah, sorry OP, you messed this one up. Get the other child a bear.

You don’t need to do a party bag, the bear will be her gift.

Cut lunch or the cinema if money’s a problem

Did you assume that the other parents would send their child with money to get their own bear? Can't imagine that anyone would think you invite other dcs to watch the birthday child do an activity.

It sounds like a nightmare activity though. What do you do if the other dc has set her heart on a more expensive bear than you want to buy? What if your dc wants a cheaper bear? Are you just going to buy your dc clothes/accessories? What if the other child brings more money for clothes than you were planning on spending on your dc?

My dc went to an official BAB organised party where the staff controlled what bears and clothes were selected. Much harder to do if you're there privately.

Isn’t buying a bear for one child cheaper than having a conventional party for 12? Sorry, OP, I think that takes meanness to a whole new level.

"why would I buy your child the same/similar thing that my daughter is getting as her birthday present"

Isn't that the same for all parties though?! Your DC gets to have pretty much the same experience as every other child. A build a bear trip without the bear is pretty shit.

Stop being so tight, and either take your DD on her own, or pay for the other child's bear.

Of course you buy the other child a bear too!

Keep you own child's bear a bit smaller if you can't afford much and if you cut out the cinema you should be fine.

If my child was invited I’d expect them to have one- like everyone else have said, how is it a ‘birthday day out’ just to watch your child build a bear? It doesn’t make sense. Now you said it, you will have to go through with it. You really didn’t look at it from the other child’s perspective did you?

How old is your child OP?

Oh dear, I think you’re definitely the unreasonable one here, I’d also have assumed both girls would be making a bear.

I think your mistake (and it is yours) is thinking in terms of the bear being your dd's birthday 'present', whereas if you ask a friend along that is effectively her birthday 'party' and the point of activity birthday parties is that all the costs for all the invitees are included.

have you actually told the mother her daughter will not be getting a bear? If so, what you do now is go back to the mother, apologise and say of course her dd will be getting a bear, and don't even think of being so crass as to suggest it has to be a 'cheap' one.

@EhlanaOfElenia - I think I get the OP's point about that- if her daughters bear is being bought with birthday money then she feels it's unfair that her friend won't have to use birthday money to get one. I think that's what she means 🤔

However OP I don't think you can think like that now that you've chosen to make it part of the party. Maybe you should have taken your daughter first then gone and got her friend after. You haven't arranged it like that so I think you just have to suck it up.

Did you expect the child to just watch the bear making or did you expect the parents to contribute to a bear? But yes buy the girl a bear.

.

TBH

I wouldn't dream of inviting 1 other dc to a birthday treat like that and not paying for a BAB etc for them.

If money is an issue

Forget the cinema or fancy dinner

And then you can afford 2 bAB's

I'm presuming they are quite young

Build a bear do run parties where each child gets a bear and accessory. This is probably what guest child's mum thinks you are doing. It's very hurtful for the child not to be bought a bear. They will feel so embarrassed and left out.

Yabu what child would like to see her friend, pick a bear, build a bear, while they watch.

If it was 4 or 5 DC going, I wouldn't expect it but one pal, If my DC choose to bring one friend out on her Birthday day, friend gets the very same even if it was a bear. Maybe do something else for the girls, bring DD alone another time.