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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday day out and gift for guest

221 replies

Meandacat · 08/03/2019 11:55

I honestly don't know who's BU here...me or other mum.
DD's birthday soon, and she said she didn't want party this year, but she did want to go to Build A Bear as she has never built her own bear before. DD is an only child, so I suggested she might like to take a friend. DD agreed, chose friend (saga in intself), I got in touch with friend's mum to say I'd take the girls to B-A-B, then nice lunch and cinema trip. In conversation later with mum, I realised she thought i was going to buy her DD a bear at B-A-B too. This was not my intention, although I was intending to buy her DD something else... e.g. from their bear accessories...as part of her "party bag" (and even then I'd thought to myself this was more than a kid would normally get in a party bag (at least in these parts) but never mind...it was only one, after all).

But now i feel completely embarrassed and like I've given a false impression and am coming across as tight-fisted. In my head, I'm thinking "why would I buy your child the same/similar thing that my daughter is getting as her birthday present". But I can also now see that she might think "why would you take a child to B-A-B and not buy them a bear." I've since checked and realised the cheapest bears are only a couple of quid dearer than a bear outfit. What do I do? Leave it at the outfit or go back and offer to buy a bear after all? And if so, how do I politely say that it would have to be one of the "cheap" bears? Confused Blush

OP posts:
Janella · 08/03/2019 22:07

Seems resolved now but just to add: there are lots of BAB accessories on eBay so you could get the bear but maybe say to the kids and other mum that you probably won't be buying extras as you plan to look online for some clothing/accessory bargains. Smile

Ruru8thestars · 08/03/2019 22:08

Does nobody read the thread? She’s said she made a mistake and will buy friend a bear.

screamifyouwant · 08/03/2019 22:20

@thedisorganisedmum totally chuckled away at your response. .

IvanaPee · 08/03/2019 22:21

I know it’s resolved OP, but I’m curious;

What did you expect to happen when you got into BAB?

And you say you will apologise and buy a bear...apologise for what? You didn’t tell the other mum that you wouldn’t buy a bear did you? So awkward!

FoodieToo · 08/03/2019 23:04

If a BAB is your daughter's present, fine! Just don't bring a friend along to watch. Do it the day before or after or later in the day .
I appreciate the OP has back tracked but she still doesn't seem to see how completely mad it sounds to invite one kid along to watch your child Build a Bear !

FinallyHere · 09/03/2019 08:57

It was when I asked mum if her DD already had a bear that I could buy an outfit for that this came to light.

Sorry, now I have the giggles. Were you interviewing the mothers of your DD's friends to establish who already had a bear, so you could buy just an accessory ?

TheOxymoron · 09/03/2019 09:22

So OP has taken the advice and yet people continue to attack. She had a point of view and people came forward to give a different perspective which she listened to.
You do know this leads to bullying right?
There is a fine line between debate and attacking an individual.
It’s quite worrying how many mothers have such a “mean girl” attitude. The apple never falls far from the tree.
Many are guilty of what they accuse.
I hope the day goes well OP and I think it’s great both girls will get a bear.

TheOxymoron · 09/03/2019 09:28

Sorry, now I have the giggles. Were you interviewing the mothers of your DD's friends to establish who already had a bear, so you could buy just an accessory ?

Healthy point of view? Or a condescending bitchy attitude?
I know what I think.

Like I said, a fine line between adult debate and attacking someone.

I also don’t believe that someone would take this attitude and question someone like this in real life so if you need to hide behind a screen to say something so brave, it actually makes you a coward.

thedisorganisedmum · 09/03/2019 10:24

(I've already replied to the OP, so this is derailing the thread)

the whole point of this anonymous forum TheOxymoron is to ask for genuine opinion. You will get a few trolls of course, but you also get truthful answers. In real life, people maintain a certain level and won't tell you to your face what they really think to keep the peace and stay civilised. They will more likely talk to you behind your back, judge you and never invite you again.

Honesty is rarely the best policy in real life, because it causes drama and it's unnecessary. That said, knowing why people suddenly ignore you is not a bad thing either.

I cannot be honest at work and tell boss or colleague what I really think. The sad thing is that if I could, it would probably help some people in the long term, at the very least to understand why they will never get promoted or are losing their job next month.

Answering somebody's question honestly is not bullying!

Tessabelle74 · 09/03/2019 17:30

No way I'd take a child to B. A. B and not expect to buy a bear! How on earth did you think that was OK? It's like inviting a child to the swimming pool and making them sit in the spectatir searing! YABVU

Pashal2 · 09/03/2019 17:32

The birthday child is ALWAYS supposed to have more than the guests, it's their birthday.

NicolaC17 · 09/03/2019 17:32

If your daughter had invited her to a birthday party you would be paying so I would presume you would pay for the BAB as you offered to take her. It would be pretty mean to expect her just to watch and not expect a bear herself.

Putthekettleonplease · 09/03/2019 17:33

That is insane.
If someone took my child to BAB and he had to watch and come back without a bear I would never speak to that person again.

How cruel. And how weird.

If you can’t afford then you should have offered a dinner at McDonalds

Purplegecko · 09/03/2019 17:36

Are you going on DDs actual birthday? They let you buy a special birthday bear for the price of your child's age on that birthday. Check the ts and Cs online but you may need to bring birth cert or passport, just a suggestion if this has put you in a bit of a squeeze financially.

pollymere · 09/03/2019 17:37

I took a group of girls to BAB. Of course I bought them all bears! Cheaper than most parties.

Beaniebaby4 · 09/03/2019 17:38

If you’re near the midlands, there’s a BAB outlet, it’s a lot cheaper!

clarehhh · 09/03/2019 17:54

That is cruel definitely take both for a bear or take your daughter on her own and other girl for pizza.We had a party there and all of the girls chose a bear.Still a cheap party.

DonutCone · 09/03/2019 18:07

I honestly find it hard to believe that anyone would think to invite another child to watch their own child BAB.

If DD was invited out to something like this I would 100% assume that she would also get a bear. She has been to BAB parties infact and quite clearly got a bear, that was the party! It would be like having an nice skating party where only the birthday girl got to skate.

Glad you've realized this before the day though.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/03/2019 18:11

Why on earth did you think you could take two children to BAB and not buy the guest child one? That is really not on. Regardless, it will all work out a hell of a lot cheaper than a party! I took a group to BAB as they used to do "parties" and it was a basic bear and one outfit, a tenner a head (this was a long time ago, DD is 21 now). I took 7 girls and then McD's after. There is no way I would have considered just taking DD and one friend and not buying for the friend. I think you just suck this one up as long as you can afford to do so.

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/03/2019 18:15

Apologies OP, I didn't see your update. Perhaps buy a couple of extra bits for your DD's bear and explain that she is getting those as it's her main birthday present. I think that's fine and reasonable. I hope they have a great day!

2birds1stone · 09/03/2019 18:22

Op if you are still reading.... I kind of agree with you. If my daughter had been offered a day out I wouldn't expect the mum to buy my daughter a bear as well (knowing the cost) if the mum had offered I would give her money towards it.

I actually think the other mum has found a way to get her daughter a bear instead of explaining that she is going with her friend to help choose her present and then going to the cinema as the party.

If I remember rightly there are small bears that you could get as a token. Or suggest to the mum you don't do bab but a bit of shop wander, food and cinema and then take your dd the day before or after l.

I would never expect another mum to spend £40-£50 on my child, and then an additional £20+ for activities

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 09/03/2019 18:28

I agree with the Op too. The bear was her daughters birthday present, so the lunch and day out was what the friend was invited to.

Loads of kids open presents in front of the guests. Guests don’t expect presents just a gift bag.

InACheeseAndPickle · 09/03/2019 18:52

@SheWoreBlueVelvet

That's fine but then you don't bring the other kid with you to BaB. What on earth are they going to do for an hour while the birthday girl builds a bear? It's just not the etiquette. It's fine to just bring the other child to the cinema and a meal out - that's lovely but an invite to BaB will naturally be assumed to include actually you know building a bear!

Catsinthecupboard · 09/03/2019 19:13

If you invite a child to an activity, you pay.

As said earlier, what is guest supposed to do? Watch? That's not fun.

GreenTulips · 09/03/2019 19:24

If you invite a child to an activity, you pay

The BAB isn’t the activity - it’s choosimg a gift - the activity is lunch and cinema

It’s not rocket science