Birthday day out and gift for guest

[Meandacat]

I honestly don't know who's BU here...me or other mum.
DD's birthday soon, and she said she didn't want party this year, but she did want to go to Build A Bear as she has never built her own bear before. DD is an only child, so I suggested she might like to take a friend. DD agreed, chose friend (saga in intself), I got in touch with friend's mum to say I'd take the girls to B-A-B, then nice lunch and cinema trip. In conversation later with mum, I realised she thought i was going to buy her DD a bear at B-A-B too. This was not my intention, although I was intending to buy her DD something else... e.g. from their bear accessories...as part of her "party bag" (and even then I'd thought to myself this was more than a kid would normally get in a party bag (at least in these parts) but never mind...it was only one, after all).

But now i feel completely embarrassed and like I've given a false impression and am coming across as tight-fisted. In my head, I'm thinking "why would I buy your child the same/similar thing that my daughter is getting as her birthday present". But I can also now see that she might think "why would you take a child to B-A-B and not buy them a bear." I've since checked and realised the cheapest bears are only a couple of quid dearer than a bear outfit. What do I do? Leave it at the outfit or go back and offer to buy a bear after all? And if so, how do I politely say that it would have to be one of the "cheap" bears?

EmeraldShamrock the problem with that is that the other child has been invited to a party - the invitees mother hasn't initiated it and might not have been budgeting £30 for an overpriced teddy plus a present for the birthday child this month. The OP has dumped a big steaming wheelbarrow full of expectations to manage onto another mother, especially if she has other young children. If OP pays for build a bear activities as a party that's one thing, but if the other mother shells out £30+ plus for a build a bear for one of her children she may feel guilty if she has other similar age children, but unwilling to shell out up to £100 overall as a result of the OP's decisions.

I've declined invitations for one of my children to expensive theme parks before on this basis.

It's always parents if only children who want one of mine as company for theirs but unless they make it clear they have a family season pass or vouchers and can take my child for free I say no these days, as if I hand over £30+ for one of my children to be companion to their only, I feel terrible that I haven't done similar for my others.

We live in an area with lots of only children and my middle child especially seems to be everyone's go to companion take-along. Possibly because well behaved 11 year old boys are moderately hard to come by... He's actually sick of it himself now as it's so transparent the parents are effectively using him, and he feels like a second class citizen who's supposed to be grateful for the "treat" but has to do what the family child wants all day.

And if its the case that you thought the mum would send money for her childs bear, you have to consider why should someone else have to spend excessive money on your childs birthday?! Child would have to come with bab money AND a gift, card etc. unreasonable any way you look at it.

I know you are trying to make something special for your daughter, which is lovely, and maybe this has blinded you. But i would be more aware in other interactions if this is the way you approach other things, not thinking at all of others.

Why do you have to apologise for the misunderstanding if you are now getting the bear? Surly there is nothing to apologise for, unless you have already said something to the parent????

If you’ve not said anything yet to the other mum about the guest child not getting a bear, then say nothing.
You’ve obviously now learnt from MN the right thing to do!

Very weird. It's akin to asking a friend to come to the cinema and leaving them outside in the foyer!

Jesus, what a mean way to think.
Why would you ask a child to BAB and expect them to watch your child being treated? That's horrible & cruel, one of my DD had a BAB birthday and I budgeted for all 8 kids getting a bear; yes cost a lot but I would never have left anyone out.

Of course the friend gets the bear too! Cut the cinema and pay for the bear for both.
How odd.

We're out in the sticks so cinema and B--A-B are all some distance away. Not really feasible to do one then come back back and collect friend for the other. It's a bit all-or-nothing.

It was when I asked mum if her DD already had a bear that I could buy an outfit for that this came to light.

And yes, of course ive done Birthdays before and paid for all kids to participate!! FFS. I just didn't think of me buying my DD a bear in terms of it being an activity in the same way as, say, a trip to an adventure park. My bad.

Of course you can cut the cinema if this will take you over budget. Go out to lunch, then take the girls home, buy a big bag of popcorn and put a film on.

The most important thing is the friend participating fully in the activities. As for apologising. Just say you hasn’t thought it through and give the mother the new plan.

Oh Dear OP. Chalk it up to experience and next time presume that all attendees will expect to do all activities.

FWIW, for a similar cost of 2x BAB, lunch and cinema for 3 of you, you could have done a tea and cake party at home with a bemybear party kit: they send you all the stuff for stuffing 10 cuddlies (there's a big choice). Less angst choosing who can come with 10 places! (I am biased as I like crafts and hate shops so when mine were smaller this worked well for me!)

What everyone else says , but also this reminds me of when my eldest was born. Rather spoilt sil proudly delivered a B-A-B and when we unwrapped it told us how much fun it had been to put it together for our baby ... I was very much , missing the point slightly sil!

If your daughter picks the birthday bear (looks like a normal teddy with blue feet with I think candles on it) then it would only cost you whatever her age is. I got one for my sons second birthday so cost us £2. We didn’t end up with the birthday bear though as they were out of stock so we just got a regular bear. They’re not very expensive bears either so it may be a way to steer the friend towards a cheaper one too if you suggest they get similar ones.

Thanks for all the advice and suggestions. I'm glad I asked and have been set straight!

I'm not going to cut anything from the day as it's my fault I didn't think it through. And both girls would be so disappointed. Bears all round!

The thing about BAB is that most of the fun comes from stuffing your bear, putting the ‘heart’ and scent etc in. I hope you have now decided to pay for the other child to do the same experience as your dd otherwise YABU.

I think your mistake (and it is yours) is thinking in terms of the bear being your dd's birthday 'present', whereas if you ask a friend along that is effectively her birthday 'party' and the point of activity birthday parties is that all the costs for all the invitees are included.

This - you see it as a birthday present, but most people see it as a birthday activity, like bowling or cinema.

Never mind, no harm done, you live and learn!

How embarrassing OP! It's lovely though that you're willing to take it on the chin when the misunderstanding became clear :)

I hope your DD and her friend have a lovely day!

timeisnotaline i dont think that's the same at all! The gift was for baby who couldn't possibly build the bear themselves for some years!

Though even if it were a present, you just don't take your DD and a friend to e.g. a toyshop and spend ~45mins queuing, choosing & buying your DD a toy, whilst the friend may get a small accessory if they happen to have the toy already themselves.

Well done for taking it all on board OP. (My DS got invited to a BAB party a few years ago; I imagined at the time that the shop did some sort of party deal to stop costs going through the roof for host parents as I wasn't asked to pay anything and DS got his bear. Slightly OT but it amused me at the time; DS chose the campest sparkly pink bear imaginable, and one of the staff came over to have a word with me and check it was OK... I thought at first that it was actually a matter of me needing to pay extra for it but no, they were concerned over a boy wanting a pink bear...)

Well, actually on my kids' birthdays, I take them to the toy shop and the birthday child gets a budget to buy their birthday present. The other kids can buy stuff with their pocket money, but of course I don't buy a big gift for everyone or I say 80 pounds for the birthday child and 10 pounds for everyone else. Then we all go out for ice creams or something.

I think that was along the lines of the OP's thinking.

Before anyone is shocked that I do this. It's fine. The kids understand and look forward to their birthdays.

Cat But Build a Bear parties are a "thing" and the norm is for all children to get a bear. How much the parent pays is up to them....most opt for a limit and the staff guide the kids in choosing within budget.

Sorry, I was answering TeenTimesTwo.

I understand that BaB is more of an activity, so agree the OP needs to get one for her daughter's friend, but I can also understand why she thought as she did.

Sorry, for the confusion.

Glad you're getting them both bears OP.

In response to In my head, I'm thinking "why would I buy your child the same/similar thing that my daughter is getting as her birthday present". I don't think any child would see it as that though. Your DD will see it as a memorable time with a friend, they will have a shared experience and get a bear out of it they can play together with. Your daughter will also have extra presents on her birthday (if not from you from family etc.) so don't think that she is missing out or anything. I always loved my birthdays when I got to share them with a friend, even if I didn't get 'extras'.

BlackCatSleeping those are your own children though presumably, so they know the drill and that they get their turn on their own birthday and it's all fair.

You don't invite a friend or classmate from outside the family and call it a party presumably?

HennyPennyHorror to be clear, this is not a B-A-B party. Its a visit to the shop for my child to choose herself a gift, as part of a bigger day out. If I had booked an actual party of course I would be paying for the whole thing.

My thinking was exactly as per BlackCatSleeping's post. But as has been pointed out, I kinda forgot/overlooked the activity element of it.

Lesson learned...and in time to put it right. Phew!