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AIBU?

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Original poster

Birthday day out and gift for guest

221 replies

Meandacat · 08/03/2019 11:55

I honestly don't know who's BU here...me or other mum.
DD's birthday soon, and she said she didn't want party this year, but she did want to go to Build A Bear as she has never built her own bear before. DD is an only child, so I suggested she might like to take a friend. DD agreed, chose friend (saga in intself), I got in touch with friend's mum to say I'd take the girls to B-A-B, then nice lunch and cinema trip. In conversation later with mum, I realised she thought i was going to buy her DD a bear at B-A-B too. This was not my intention, although I was intending to buy her DD something else... e.g. from their bear accessories...as part of her "party bag" (and even then I'd thought to myself this was more than a kid would normally get in a party bag (at least in these parts) but never mind...it was only one, after all).

But now i feel completely embarrassed and like I've given a false impression and am coming across as tight-fisted. In my head, I'm thinking "why would I buy your child the same/similar thing that my daughter is getting as her birthday present". But I can also now see that she might think "why would you take a child to B-A-B and not buy them a bear." I've since checked and realised the cheapest bears are only a couple of quid dearer than a bear outfit. What do I do? Leave it at the outfit or go back and offer to buy a bear after all? And if so, how do I politely say that it would have to be one of the "cheap" bears? Confused Blush

OP posts:
2birds1stone · 09/03/2019 19:24

So when my mum took me shopping for my birthday and I could take my friend was my mum expected to buy clothes for my friend as well as me???

Bab is a gimmick shop that has a process to make your own bear instead of just getting an off the shelf one. And not a cheap bear at that.

At a birthday party all the children don't get a big pile of presents, and I remember getting enjoyment watching the birthday person opening theirs. Instead the guests get a party bag and maybe win something in a game.

Therefore the op gives the guest their party bag by giving them a choice of 3 small cheaper bears that they can pick from and if she is generous an outfit as the party bag.

RB68 · 09/03/2019 19:34

I did a B A B party for DD - we were only 5x 10 yr olds so couldn't have an official do but I just sent an invite that allowed each child x amount and said that if a child wanted to bring any vouchers or extra pennies to spend thy could but they would be in charge of that. I went around and made sure that each one chose within their budget. There was only one problem child (ie wanted way more than she had) and I just had a chat and said everyone else was buying in their budget and pointed out the options she could have and said she needed to choose. She came back at £2 over budget so I let it go. I knew the family didn't have alot. glad I did her Mum died in a car accident a year latr - put it all in perspective frankly.

My logic in paying was - no party bag necessary (saving x per child) I had a budget of £150 total so the BAB with pizza afterwards came n around that and the girls had a ball and despite it not being an official party the staff in B A B couldn't have been more helpful

RB68 · 09/03/2019 19:36

I think I set the x amount based on a standard bear but can't recall how much they were then - was around £20 I think. I took each child up individually and the assistant held the till open for me - it wasn't a busy time etc so not an issue

Smurf123 · 09/03/2019 19:44

Your daughter can get a birthday build a bear for the price of her age if you sign up to their bonus club which is easy and free to do. Worth knowing about if you didn't already but it is just for a specific birthday bear...

Whereareyouspot · 09/03/2019 19:53

Wow there are some horrible people on here.

OP I think your initial idea was fine and since when can a kid not go along and watch a friend get her bday present and enjoy helping her choose? Then they both get a lovely trip to cinema and lunch which is very generous

It’s ridiculous now that we spoil kids so much that they expect everything

Buying your own child a BAB for a bday present is perfect.

And Shock at the person who said they did a party for 25 and everyone got a bear. Money to burn clearly.

notanothernam · 09/03/2019 20:02

Oh no way you have to buy a bear, put yourself in the girl's shoes, how fun is it to watch someone else build a bear?! I have no idea how much these things cost, but this year my son wants to go go karting and we've said he can bring a friend, if I did what you were planning I would be making is friend stand on the sidelines watching my son go karting!! I absolutely would have assumed what the mum did.

Margot33 · 09/03/2019 20:05

If you asked my daughter to go with yours to BAB i would assume they both get to build and take a bear home. Why would you bring another child to watch yours make and take home a bear?! The other child is obviously going to cry! It's like asking your childs friend to go bowling but they only get to watch?!!

UnderHerEye · 09/03/2019 20:22

Is ‘buy the bear!’ the new ‘cancel the cheque!’ ??

GreenTulips · 09/03/2019 20:30

notanothernam

What birthday gift are you giving your son?will you be getting the friend the same?

Loreleigh · 09/03/2019 20:31

Whether it was my child or not I wouldn't ever include one child and exclude the other. If I took 2 children for an experience I would want them to have an equal experience, regardless of whose birthday it was - you could always treat the birthday girl to something else later when there is not a probably-bewildered bystander. Oh and by equal experience I also mean equal bears - if you have a bear budget tell both children the maximum their bear can cost but do not buy the biggest and best for your child and the cheapest one for her friend.

I like JacquesHammer's suggestion of building the bears then a home movie with the new bears - keep costs down a bit and be special for both children.

Sb74 · 09/03/2019 21:06

Everyone has said it. Very strange you thought that would be ok??

2birds1stone · 09/03/2019 21:28

@sb74 please don't bring us all into the same point of view. Some of us, myself included, agree with the ops thinking.

Bab is a shop not an activity. If the op asked her friend to come curtain shopping or to pick a new kitchen would she need to buy her friend one too??? No she might treat her to lunch and a film.

If the situation and outcome is explained to the child prior to the day I see no issue with it.

And where does the mother get off on this. I would never expect another mother to buy my child an expensive bear when they are also paying for transport, food and cinema.

DesertSky · 09/03/2019 21:32

OP I think why it’s particularly unreasonable is because BAB host birthday parties - where all children receive a bear as part of the package. My children have attended parties there (a recent one of 12 children) and the birthday child’s parents paid for everyone to make a bear (no outfit). This is the norm.
You had only invited the one child so i’m sorry to say it comes across as even more unreasonable that you weren’t paying for her - you can’t expect her to just watch! In this case I would’ve thought lunch afterwards too is generous - you didn’t need to take them to cinema as well - although it’s still a cheaper birthday celebration than a party which can be extortionate these days!
I hope your daughter has a lovely birthday Smile

Lemoneeza · 09/03/2019 21:35

this is one of those threads that I think surely must be a wind up?!

FullOfJellyBeans · 09/03/2019 21:44

@GreenTulips

For his birthday my nephew got a trip to a theme park. His mum wasn't prepared to pay for a trip for a friend to go to the theme park too (too expensive) so she didn't invite the friend. Likewise If your child's birthday present was they got to go pottery painting they can either go alone or if they bring a friend the friend also chooses and decorates a pot they don't come along to sit and watch. The whole point of build a bear is the process of choosing all the various bits for the bear and stuffing it full of fluff.

If the bear is just a birthday present then there's no need to bring a friend along to choose it if it is in fact also an activity (which it obviously is) then if you bring a friend they partake of the activity.

Sara107 · 09/03/2019 21:46

Parties at BAB are a ‘thing’. There is a range of prices per head and that includes a bear for each child - size depends on how much you pay. I guess the Mum assumed this was what her child was invited to, rather than just going along to watch the bday girl being treated.

Hersheys · 09/03/2019 21:47

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FullOfJellyBeans · 09/03/2019 21:48

@2birds1stone

BAB is an activity not just a shop. A shop you walk in choose what you want and leave. In that case OP's DD wouldn't need a special day to go and choose her birthday present she could do it online or any other day of the week and she certainly wouldn't need to bring a friend. OP's DD clearly knows it's an activity that's why she wants it as part of her special day. She's going to choose the outfit, go to the special machine to stuff the doll with fluff etc. By your logic it would be fine to go pottery painting with a friend and not let them buy a pot to paint.

NataliaOsipova · 09/03/2019 21:58

OP has accepted that she needs to get the other child a bear! Stop piling on....

If it’s any consolation, I think your daughter will enjoy the experience far more doing it with her friend. Someone kindly (but thoughtlessly) sent my DD1 a BAB voucher as a gift. But the nearest BAB is miles away and I could only take her to use it with DD2 in tow. Which, understandably, would be miserable for the little one. In the end, DD1 was persuaded to share her voucher with her sister (we got her something else she’d wanted) and it was enough for them both to have a cheaper bear and an outfit. They had a ball together! Afterwards DD1 actually said she was so glad they’d done it that way, as half the fun came from doing it together. So I’m sure your DD will feel the same, even if she ends up with a cheaper bear.

2birds1stone · 09/03/2019 21:59

There is a huge difference in cost though

Bab with all the extras is between £30-£50
Pottery painting can be between £5-£30.

I would be mortified if I knew a parent was spending £30+ on my child for a toy. Especially with food and cinema to boot.

The issue probably is that the op wasn't clear that it wasn't a bab party but simply picking her daughter's birthday present. If that was clear I hope the outcome would be different that the parent would explain the day to the child so they don't have expectations when visiting the store.

Of course letting the child pick one of the £4-£10 teddies would be reasonable same cost of getting a teddy a outfit.

This is a case of miscommunication and the other child's mother potentially being a little bit of a cf if she knew exactly what the plan was and that it wasn't a bab party.

bubblegumunicorn · 09/03/2019 22:00

What I would do if this is your DDs main Birthday gift and you don't wan't to spend as much on the friend as you do her (fair enough) is get your DD B-A-B vouchers for her birthday! So if you want to spend £50 on her give her a voucher for that ammount and then give friend the £10-15 you are okay with spending on her friend that way she can decide if she wants a bear or clothes! that way you are telling her cheaper bear with out actually saying that to her face your DD on the other hand is putting her own birthday money towards the purchase and can therefore get more!

FullOfJellyBeans · 09/03/2019 22:04

@2birds1stone

Absolutely BaB is very expensive no one is saying OP had to buy the other girl a bear but if she doesn't want to then she can't invite her to go along to the shop and watch her DD do the building a bear thing. Same thing with a theme park - it's very expensive and its fine if you don't want to invite a friend but if you do invite one you can't refuse to buy them a wristband to go on the rides.

tripichick · 09/03/2019 22:23

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stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/03/2019 22:28

Who not trim cinema , have a cheaper lunch and use money saved on a bear x 2 and that’s the outing ?

Pumpkinbell · 10/03/2019 05:26

I think you have to buy the other child a bear. When you get there say ok you can choose a bear up to the value of £xx or an outfit if you already have a bear at homr, then you have control of how much is spent in the BAB shop, but you cant take her and not buy her one.

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