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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday day out and gift for guest

221 replies

Meandacat · 08/03/2019 11:55

I honestly don't know who's BU here...me or other mum.
DD's birthday soon, and she said she didn't want party this year, but she did want to go to Build A Bear as she has never built her own bear before. DD is an only child, so I suggested she might like to take a friend. DD agreed, chose friend (saga in intself), I got in touch with friend's mum to say I'd take the girls to B-A-B, then nice lunch and cinema trip. In conversation later with mum, I realised she thought i was going to buy her DD a bear at B-A-B too. This was not my intention, although I was intending to buy her DD something else... e.g. from their bear accessories...as part of her "party bag" (and even then I'd thought to myself this was more than a kid would normally get in a party bag (at least in these parts) but never mind...it was only one, after all).

But now i feel completely embarrassed and like I've given a false impression and am coming across as tight-fisted. In my head, I'm thinking "why would I buy your child the same/similar thing that my daughter is getting as her birthday present". But I can also now see that she might think "why would you take a child to B-A-B and not buy them a bear." I've since checked and realised the cheapest bears are only a couple of quid dearer than a bear outfit. What do I do? Leave it at the outfit or go back and offer to buy a bear after all? And if so, how do I politely say that it would have to be one of the "cheap" bears? Confused Blush

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 08/03/2019 17:36

I think OP is quite right actually, and the other child’s mothers a bit cheeky!!

Tween wants a bear for a birthday present and the party element is after food and entertainment!

Why would OP buy the other child a gift of equal value?

beenhereages1 · 08/03/2019 17:40

@Invisimamma - our local BAB always talks to the child about the scents / beating hearts and not the parent! It's a good job DS hates anything like that! Really annoys me!

TacoLover · 08/03/2019 17:40

Tween wants a bear for a birthday present and the party element is after food and entertainment! Why would OP buy the other child a gift of equal value?

I understand that buying the child a bear is quite expensive and so shouldn't really be part of a day out anyway but the problem is it's a bit off to spend about an hour in the shop following around your friend while she picks out all her stuff..just seems like a bit of a shit day to spend your day, really.

TacoLover · 08/03/2019 17:41

*way

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/03/2019 17:43

@Greentulips an invite to a birthday treat means getting the same as the birthday child. My children have never been invited to a birthday treat that they had to pay for or where only the birthday child got a treat. If the birthday treat was lunch and cinema then that is what the other child should have been invited to. BAB should not have been done the same dau

GreenTulips · 08/03/2019 17:45

an invite to a birthday treat means getting the same as the birthday child

So they get brought gifts and cards as well then? Don’t be ridiculous!!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/03/2019 17:47

Of course they don't get gifts and cards but they get the same activities

GreenTulips · 08/03/2019 17:51

So going to a shop to pick up a bear - that’s been sold to young cutosmers as an experience has you all sucked in?

It’s a shop, they sell bears, you buy accessories for it - a birthday present from your parents. It’s not an ‘experice’ in the same way you rock climb or bounce on a castle - it’s a product you buy to take home

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/03/2019 17:54

Of course its an experience. You dont just buy a bear do you. You make it.

TacoLover · 08/03/2019 17:54

So going to a shop to pick up a bear - that’s been sold to young cutosmers as an experience has you all sucked in? It’s a shop, they sell bears, you buy accessories for it - a birthday present from your parents. It’s not an ‘experice’ in the same way you rock climb or bounce on a castle - it’s a product you buy to take home

Have you ever been to BAB? It is an experience. They spend a good while choosing the bear, the colour of the heart, stuffing the bear, putting in sounds, choosing all the outfits and accessories. It does actually take a long time. It is an activity and a time consuming one. It is ridiculous to expect a child to just stand there doing nothing while the other kid gets their bear and does all the stuff mentioned above.

VelvetPineapple · 08/03/2019 18:05

I read the OP and thought both girls were building a bear. Until I read on a bit further and realised that wasn’t the case. If it was phrased like that to the other mum I can see how she thought her DC was getting a bear! It’s the words “take both girls to BAB” which implies that both of them are doing the BAB experience. You should have invited the other DC to lunch and cinema, and said you’ll also be stopping in at BAB for the birthday girl to choose a gift. They’re not little kids so imo it would have been fine if it was made clear what was happening (and under those circumstances I’d probably have given my DC money to get their own bear).

BlueSkiesLies · 08/03/2019 18:09

PMSL

You wanted to bring a child to WATCH your DD build a bear? You tight arsed meanie.

Its your DDs party. You pay for the activities.

CustardOmlet · 08/03/2019 18:21

Seriously people, rtft. OP has listened to the feedback and agreed, stop trying to rip her apart. Far too many keyboard warriors on this thread.

@meandacat hope you all enjoy the day, sounds like great fun.

helacells · 08/03/2019 19:57

Of course you should buy the bear. My DD went to several BAB parties as a child and everyone got one, and that was usually 25 girls!

thedisorganisedmum · 08/03/2019 20:10

You sound very nice OP, it's a strange but honest mistake, I hope your DD has a lovely birthday.

Be glad you only invited one friend or the day would start to get expensive!

screamifyouwant · 08/03/2019 20:25

I think people on here are bu of course your not tight you have said your going for lunch and cinema too that's going to cost . I certainly wouldn't expect you to buy my dd a bear .
Anyway if it's your child's birthday you only pay for how old the child is ie if she's 7 you pay £7 so may not cost as much as you think , maybe agree to a bear each and buy dd a outfit another time for bear as I believe they do encourage you to buy extras . Can you not say to her mum that you will buy a bear but any accessories you will need extra but will be paying for lunch and cinema .
It may be a misunderstanding but some people are cf and just think great getting something for nothing.

thedisorganisedmum · 08/03/2019 20:37

It may be a misunderstanding but some people are cf and just think great getting something for nothing. Hmm

it's a mini birthday party - if you invite 2 children to go to build a bear/make up session/ pottery making, of course you expect the other child to be just as involved. As said many times on the thread, you don't take a child to look at their friend buying toys!

HomeMadeMadness · 08/03/2019 20:41

To be fair OP has listened to advice and is going with it. No need to keep berating her.

LEDadjacent · 08/03/2019 20:42

BAB here never that busy. I've sometimes been the only person in it. But watch me eat my words on that.

How are you so familiar with BAB if your only child has never made herself a bear before? Has she made them for other people?

screamifyouwant · 08/03/2019 20:44

@thedisorganisedmum
The op has already said it's not a party it's a outing . She's paying for cinema and lunch . Seriously you'd expect someone to take your child out for lunch , cinema and buy a bear Shock Wow

LEDadjacent · 08/03/2019 20:46

Seriously you'd expect someone to take your child out for lunch , cinema and buy a bear

If my child were being taken to BAB for someone’s birthday and a bear was being bought, I’d assume one would also be bought for my child.

screamifyouwant · 08/03/2019 20:50

@LEDadjacent ok then lol ShockGrin

VelvetPineapple · 08/03/2019 21:09

Anyway if it's your child's birthday you only pay for how old the child is

This actually isn’t true. Unless you get the special “birthday bear” which isnt very exciting. The others are still full price.

Kia123456 · 08/03/2019 21:15

What age is your daughter? Could you sign up for the birthday bear thing were you pay their age for a bear during their birthday month? Although I think it’s only a certain bear you get , you can’t choose.

thedisorganisedmum · 08/03/2019 21:52

screamifyouwant
Call it what you want, it's an outing for a birthday, and in this country all the children invited get involved and receive whatever they make, bear, pottery or pizza.

No one invites a child for the privilege of looking at their friend buying a gift!

If you invite someone, the clue is in the word invite, yes you pay for them. Seriously you'd expect someone to take your child out for lunch , cinema and buy a bear shock Wow I don't expect them to do anything, but if they invite them, of course I do. Why on earth would they invite my child if not for them to join in?

If you invite my child to the cinema and buy popcorn to yours, then yes, I expect you to pay for popcorn for mine too.

Please tell me you don't invite other people children, ever, until they are teens?