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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday day out and gift for guest

221 replies

Meandacat · 08/03/2019 11:55

I honestly don't know who's BU here...me or other mum.
DD's birthday soon, and she said she didn't want party this year, but she did want to go to Build A Bear as she has never built her own bear before. DD is an only child, so I suggested she might like to take a friend. DD agreed, chose friend (saga in intself), I got in touch with friend's mum to say I'd take the girls to B-A-B, then nice lunch and cinema trip. In conversation later with mum, I realised she thought i was going to buy her DD a bear at B-A-B too. This was not my intention, although I was intending to buy her DD something else... e.g. from their bear accessories...as part of her "party bag" (and even then I'd thought to myself this was more than a kid would normally get in a party bag (at least in these parts) but never mind...it was only one, after all).

But now i feel completely embarrassed and like I've given a false impression and am coming across as tight-fisted. In my head, I'm thinking "why would I buy your child the same/similar thing that my daughter is getting as her birthday present". But I can also now see that she might think "why would you take a child to B-A-B and not buy them a bear." I've since checked and realised the cheapest bears are only a couple of quid dearer than a bear outfit. What do I do? Leave it at the outfit or go back and offer to buy a bear after all? And if so, how do I politely say that it would have to be one of the "cheap" bears? Confused Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Meandacat · 08/03/2019 12:40

Ok, very clearly I did not thinking this through. Blush Sad. To me, the lunch and cinema was the "treat". I personally would not have assumed a bear was part of the deal in that scenario but obviously that's just me!

I don't feel I can cut either the lunch or cinema now, but I will apologise for misunderstanding and get her a bear.

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 08/03/2019 12:40

Oh no, how embarrassing! You need to go back to the mum and tell her that of course you'll pay for a bear for her DD. It's nuts to invite a child to spectate, and cheeky fuckery to expect her parents to fork out. How would you feel if your DD were invited like this?

You also can't ask her mum to make sure her DD chooses a cheaper bear, you have to give both girls the same options or it'll be really awful and unfair.

LondonBelongsToMe · 08/03/2019 12:40

just go somewhere cheaper for lunch and make sure they're only given the kids' menu!

RiverTam · 08/03/2019 12:41

so you clearly expected the other child to watch while you're DD built herself a bear?

That is ... baffling.

blackteasplease · 08/03/2019 12:41

I was going to say the same as above, that at a BAB party all the kids build their own bear to keep.

tinysnickersaremyfavourite · 08/03/2019 12:42

Join the birthday club then your kid gets the birthday bear free.

MarthasGinYard · 08/03/2019 12:42

Did you ask parents for Money for the BAB?

UnspiritualHome · 08/03/2019 12:42

why would I buy your child the same/similar thing that my daughter is getting as her birthday present

It's the nature of any birthday activity such as a party, swimming trip, cinema trip, theme park or zoo visit etc, that the guests get exactly the same as the birthday child. I don't see why this should be different.

OneStepSideways · 08/03/2019 12:43

It would be very mean not to buy the child a bear, or to say she can only choose a cheap one and DD an expensive one. You can't invite a child along to keep yours company then make her watch while your DD makes herself a bear. Think how boring an outing it would be for the guest!

I think you either need to take DD alone or let the other girl choose a bear too. If you can't afford it say you were unable to make the booking (make up a reason) and do something cheaper. Or ask the mum if she could go halves on the cost of the bear, although even this sounds a bit mean when you've invited her as a guest!

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 08/03/2019 12:43

I don't see why you can't cut the cinema - go back to your house for a DVD and homemade popcorn. That's fine after BAB and lunch out.

MrsJDornan · 08/03/2019 12:43

With other posters here, is my dc were invited to build a bear I would assume they were getting a bear, if you didn't want to buy her a bear then you should've just said lunch and cinema

livefornaps · 08/03/2019 12:45

Yeah I can't even fathom where you were coming from.

Just....why if you want to get your daughter a bear would you make some kid tag along? Just go yourselves!

When you go shopping with her as a teenager are you going to make her mate tag along but just watch your daughter pick out clothes all day?

If you want to do something nice for JUST your daughter,just do it. You don't need an audience.

Otherwise pizza & cinema sounds lovely (why was the party not just that,,? )

beenhereages1 · 08/03/2019 12:46

Oh op - how embarrassing Blush, hope you can find a way to explain to the mum that you'd got it wrong.

Totally the other way round but a couple of years ago I was trying to think of a party idea for DS. One of his friends mums was trying to give me ideas, she suggested one, I said unfortunately DS wouldn't be able to do that ( he has a disability) and her response was " oh but couldn't be sit and watch his friends take part?" Erm... no? GrinGrinGrin Happy Birthday DS! Here's your party, you're just going to get to watch ...

EmeraldShamrock · 08/03/2019 12:47

If I was the friends DM, I would probably give my own child money for a bear if they were getting lunch and the cinema, I don't think I'd assume they were getting a bear, if the other outings were on the invite.
People usually do one or the other. I can see why it got confusing. I would definitely offer to pay for my own DC. Has she asked if her DD is getting a bear.

babysharkah · 08/03/2019 12:47

What did you want the other kid to do, just watch yours build a bear? Very odd and YABU.

blueskiesovertheforest · 08/03/2019 12:49

Its not "getting her a bear" though is it, it's allowing her to participate in the activity.

Your original plan was to invite one friend along to a series of activities but expect her merely to watch your DD do the main activity.

It's exactly the same as throwing a swimming party but only paying for your DD to go in the pool and thinking your treating the guests by letting them watch her from the viewing area and taking them and your DD to lunch afterwards.

It's properly weird to invite a child to a party assuming that it'll be a treat for them to stand about watching your DD do the fairly long main activity.

FromDespairToHere · 08/03/2019 12:52

I'm with everyone else I'm afraid. When my DD was 12 she and a friend had a mani/pedi including the fish pedi that was the thing back then. The equivalent would have been for DD's friend to watch DD have her nails done!

CalmdownJanet · 08/03/2019 12:52

How did the later conversation go op? When you realised she thought you were buying a bear what did you say to her? And she to you? Maybe there is no need for embarrassment and she may not even realise

TeenTimesTwo · 08/03/2019 12:52

You also need to be clear before you go in - 1 bear and 1 accessory each (not 5 accessories).

(Personally BaB is my idea of hell.)

OfficeSlave · 08/03/2019 12:53

This cannot be real? You are confused that another mum (rightfully) thought her daughter would be included in the BUILD a BEAR experience (not watch someone build a bear or a build a bear's accessory experience... Are you also assuming this kid even has a bear to have an accessory for it, or do you know for sure?! ) ... And also expected the mum to magically know that you would be buying her a bear accessory instead?

All of this uncommunicated on your side? How is the mum to automatically know the bear is your main present to daughter too? If that is her main present, which is lovely, take her on her own, with you!

tiredandcold · 08/03/2019 12:56

I think yabu

Baffy · 08/03/2019 12:59

Well done OP - not often people post on here and then take on board all of the advice and realise they might have got it wrong. I think you are doing the right thing now

Hope you all have a lovely day out Smile

AllStar14 · 08/03/2019 12:59

BlushGrin As others have said you cannot ask your DDs friend along to watch, that's really quite mean! Glad you've changed your mind though.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/03/2019 13:02

I think you are doing the right thing. You cannot possibly expect a child to just go along to watch your dc making a bear!

I think you will have to let them both have similar bears (so maybe limit both to a cheaper bear, you cannot let your dc have an expensive one while the guest can only have a cheap one).

I agree that it's a good idea to discuss the limit on accessories first too.

Lovemusic33 · 08/03/2019 13:03

I think if you take a child/guest to build a bear then you have to buy them a bear, it’s like inviting someone to a party and telling them to pay for their own food.

My dd’s used to love build a bear and ask to go for birthdays, they were allowed to bring one friend but this loud mean both dd and the friend were allowed to pick on bear and one accessory each or it would end up costing me £100.