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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday day out and gift for guest

221 replies

Meandacat · 08/03/2019 11:55

I honestly don't know who's BU here...me or other mum.
DD's birthday soon, and she said she didn't want party this year, but she did want to go to Build A Bear as she has never built her own bear before. DD is an only child, so I suggested she might like to take a friend. DD agreed, chose friend (saga in intself), I got in touch with friend's mum to say I'd take the girls to B-A-B, then nice lunch and cinema trip. In conversation later with mum, I realised she thought i was going to buy her DD a bear at B-A-B too. This was not my intention, although I was intending to buy her DD something else... e.g. from their bear accessories...as part of her "party bag" (and even then I'd thought to myself this was more than a kid would normally get in a party bag (at least in these parts) but never mind...it was only one, after all).

But now i feel completely embarrassed and like I've given a false impression and am coming across as tight-fisted. In my head, I'm thinking "why would I buy your child the same/similar thing that my daughter is getting as her birthday present". But I can also now see that she might think "why would you take a child to B-A-B and not buy them a bear." I've since checked and realised the cheapest bears are only a couple of quid dearer than a bear outfit. What do I do? Leave it at the outfit or go back and offer to buy a bear after all? And if so, how do I politely say that it would have to be one of the "cheap" bears? Confused Blush

OP posts:
TheBrilloPad · 08/03/2019 14:27

OP, check the BAB website. They do a "pay your age" thing where if you can prove it's your child's birthday that month, you only pay for however old the child is (a 6yr old pays £6 etc).

That might help reduce the cost of your own DD's bear which will make it all more affordable!

JustTwoMoreSecs · 08/03/2019 15:00

Of course you buy her a bear! And don’t limit her to the cheapest one (except if your DD also can only have this one).
Can’t believe how rude this would be...

Holidayshopping · 08/03/2019 15:53

In conversation later with mum, I realised she thought i was going to buy her DD a bear at B-A-B too. This was not my intention

I’m intrigued to know what you said to the mum?!

TacoLover · 08/03/2019 16:06

Why on earth would anyone want to go to a build a bear shop, stand around for an hour(yes it really does take that long when one of mine goes) and watch someone else build a bear while you get nothingConfused that sounds like a shit day out to me.

Merrilymerrilymerrily · 08/03/2019 16:10

If you go to BAB in your child’s birthday month and you’ve joined the BAB club, you can get them the special birthday bear and you pay their age. That might help a bit if the expense is worrying you.

NuffSaidSam · 08/03/2019 16:13

OP I assume you haven't been to BAB before? Maybe you've just misunderstood how much making there is involved? It's not a shopping trip with a little bit of making, it's all about the making! If you were going to pop in and DD choose herself a bear and then on to lunch it would be ok, but you can't expect another child to stand for an hour just watching your DD do something.

amilosingitor · 08/03/2019 16:15

You treat the birthday child and their friends the same at a party in a soft play for example, so it's no different. I think if you take a friend to build a bear you should be buying the friend a bear too.

DancerOnIce · 08/03/2019 16:21

If you sign up to BAB you can get a cheaper bear for the child in their birthday month. I’m sure the staff wouldn’t mind if your daughter’s friend had the birthday offer and your daughter chose something else?

Original poster
Meandacat · 08/03/2019 16:34

Ok, I've realised my mistake and I'm now doing the right thing, ie.buying friend a bear.

I am, however, now getting a bit pissed off with (some) people calling me rude.

I never called this "a party" - its a day out and I always was, BAB aside, paying for lunch, a gift and a trip to the cinema with all the gubbins.

The girls are not small - they are tweens. If the shoe was on the other foot, mine would have understood perfectly that this was pal's birthday and the bear bit of the proceedings was for her. I appreciate I was maybe thoughtless in that regard but, personally, I wouldn't have expected the bear to be included on top of the rest of the day out. But I can see I didn't think through the activity element of it, and that this is not what most people think/expect and it was utter bad planning /thinking on my part. But please stop talking as if I'm some mad women that invites kids to parties and then expects the parents to pay for them! Sad

BTW, BAB here never that busy. I've sometimes been the only person in it. But watch me eat my words on that.

OP posts:
independentgroupie · 08/03/2019 16:37

I can't believe you thought it would be normal to take a child to watch while your child built a bear!

If you were having a pottery painting party, would you expect all the other children to sit round in a circle while your child painted a plate?

HomeMadeMadness · 08/03/2019 16:37

Of course she thought you were going to buy her DD a bear!! Even if it wasn't an official BaB party who on earth would want to hang around for an hour watching someone else build a bear and not getting one themselves? It would be a very odd thing to invite a friend to if you hadn't planned to buy her one too (so they'd be doing it together). I assume you were going to buy her food at lunch?

TacoLover · 08/03/2019 16:37

I never called this "a party" - its a day out and I always was, BAB aside, paying for lunch, a gift and a trip to the cinema with all the gubbins.

Yeah but the point is that it would be a shit day out to watch your friend run around the shop for an hour making their bear while you do nothing.

What did you actually expect the little girl would be doing while this was going on? Just following you and DD around the shop? Confused

AnneOfCleavage · 08/03/2019 16:43

The party is cinema and lunch. The BAB is just a small element of that - OP DD choosing her birthday present on her party day. I get what you were aiming for OP.

I see nothing wrong in doing the cinema and lunch and making that the big celebration. The trip to BAB is just a little extra tagged on the end of the party. I see nothing wrong with your DD getting a bear and the friend getting a little outfit. If it was a BAB party I would understand people being shocked at the 'tightness' but not what you'd planned.

Anyway it seems you are buying her one anyway so good for you for being extra lovely. Is this friend a best friend? You mentioned the choosing of the friend being a saga!

ISpeakJive · 08/03/2019 16:44

If the shoe was on the other foot, mine would have understood perfectly that this was pal's birthday and the bear bit of the proceedings was for her

I don’t know your daughter but I doubt very much she wouldn’t be disappointed with a bear no matter how much you explained. Also, if that scenario ever did come up, I would consider it abit cruel.

AnneOfCleavage · 08/03/2019 16:45

Ps my DD loves BAB and would have no problem watching a friend make and dress one for their birthday especially if they'd had lunch and cinema too. They aren't 6 they are tweens so likely 11 or 12 so old enough to understand this is a present. My DD would enter into the fun aspect and enjoy her friend enjoying the experience.

BlueMerchant · 08/03/2019 16:45

OP have you thought what will happen when the staff start the hard sell on all the 'extras' such as the beating heart, voice, a special scent...... B-A-B is never as straightforward (or as cheap) as a simple bear and a item of clothing.

lalaloopyhead · 08/03/2019 16:48

I think it maybe just down to the way you phrased it. Even in your OP it sounded as though instead of a party your dd wanted to go to Build a Bear and then you also added lunch and cinema to the treat.

Really your intention was invite to Cinema and Pizza and btw Dd wants to call into Build A Bear to spend her Birthday money if little X would like to bring a few pounds for anything. Putting Build a bear first sounds like that was the main attraction and my first thought may be that it was a BAB party plus lunch afterwards, plus cinema (and I would be thinking you were very generous/mad)

KurriKurri · 08/03/2019 16:59

Your invitation was that you would 'take the girls to BAB, then lunch and cinema trip' so I would assume that the activities were all fro both children. You wouldn;t be saying to the other girl ' you can watch DD eat a meal' or ;you can sit outside and wait while DD watches a film' - so why would they think their child would be excluded from the other activity ?

If you invite another child to accompany your child on a birthday treat, then the guest shares the treats. (I wouldn't buy outfits for the bear though - just the bear, but bear of her choice not 'pick one from the cheap bears')

I would guess the guest child will be bringing a present for your DD as well - so her Mum will have spent out on something too.

TacoLover · 08/03/2019 17:00

My DD would enter into the fun aspect and enjoy her friend enjoying the experience.

Enjoy her friend enjoying the experience? What does that mean then? Joyfully skipping after her friend with a huge smile while the lucky one picks out the bear, the outfit, the heart, the accessories and she gets nothing? For an hour? Oh, the joyGrin

LeilaDarling · 08/03/2019 17:14

Slightly off topic lol but how much would a build a bear be? Just wondering.....

Becky11 · 08/03/2019 17:16

What is wrong with you people? Why do you delight so much in other people's mistakes. OP was wrong. She has admitted this and has taken on board the advice she asked for. Now read the updates and give her some credit. Thank goodness the rest of you are so perfect !

poobumwee · 08/03/2019 17:27

Both should get to build bear

poobumwee · 08/03/2019 17:29

Just seen you are getting them both one. Hope they have a lovely time op.

Invisimamma · 08/03/2019 17:30

@leiladarling just roughyl bears are £12-£25, accessories £6-£10, adding a heart £5, sound £4, scent £2.50. so for the full BAB experience you could be looking at around £40-£50 per bear!!

anniehm · 08/03/2019 17:33

If you offer to take a kid to build a bear you dug yourself into a hole! The fact it was only one friend implies they are getting a bear - it's like taking a kid to a theme park and they can't go on rides, the purpose of the shop is to build a bear!