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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

boys harassing girls for nude pics - I told school, the parents are next

218 replies

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/03/2019 11:40

There are kids in my daughters class I have known sine they were all toddlers at playgroup together. They are all now 16.

A couple of these boys have become horrible creeps - they are continually messaging the girls to try and get nude images. They are saying "you're so hot, I'd fucking ruin your ass" - endless vile messages every few minutes all through the night.

My daughter's friend refused, so four boys started messaging her how they were going to rape her as punishment. It was very graphic and sinister.

I told school. If the messages were being directed at my daughter I'd go to the police, they are so vile.

School have not managed to change the behaviour. Naturally, everyone denied it, the girls don't want their parents to know they have sent nudes and the boys have the images stored in the "secret" bit of snapchat ( that I only found out existed yesterday)

To be fair to school, they have been consistently telling the kids about the importance of Not Being A Dick on social media - but the kids just don't listen.

I know a couple of the sets of parents pretty well. AIBU to think that if school can't handle it, the parents might? If it was me I'd want to know that my son was goign through a Creepy Fucker phase and would appreciate the chance to get him to see girls as anything other than a place for his penis before he landed up on a register.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 09/03/2019 12:59

Blahdeblahbahhhhh

Your hero is someone that has read rape threats against young girls, yet makes excuses for not going to the police.

You may want to raise your standards for hero worship a little bit.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 09/03/2019 13:11

I usually would say keep out of it but this is so sinister you need to report it now and let the parents know this is not normal it is sick and perverted no way this can go unchallenged and you can’t be sure they won’t act on their threats.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/03/2019 13:24

The problem is the longstanding lack of proper, effective SRE education, which addresses consent, respect for other people's boundaries and acknowledges that sexual activity is about mutual pleasure. The idea that 'sex' is something that men have to get from women and that it's women's job to ration it out and use it as currency has its roots in superstition and patriarchy, not porn. Of course abusive behaviour (coercion, threats, repeat unwanted attention, deliberate humiliation of others) needs to be stopped, but schools/police/parents also need to be careful they don't criminalise stuff that is consensual exploration. Too much SRE still seems to be all about danger, disease and scaremongering, with a Just Say No approach that isn't helpful at all.

Whatsername7 · 09/03/2019 13:59

@ReanimatedSGB that is no longer the case and hasnt been for a while. Healthy relationships, consent, sexting, personal space and boundaries etc have been on the curriculum for a while in lots (but admittedly, not all) of schools and will become compulsory for all schools in 2020. I teach SRE as a discreet subject to Year 10, but many of the social and emotional aspects are taught in primaries as well as embedded into KS3. We are playing catch up because technologu has advanced so quickly and opened up a brand new world to our young people. Part of the issue is that they are a 'google' generation. They try to learn about sex via the internet and come across porn - it is so easy to access. The look at role models who are naked on a daily basis online. They think it is ok to behave in the same way. They have developed a culture of using social media to communicate. Most of the awkward flirting is done online. The sharing of images is something that they think is the 'next steps' im terms of flirting.

Original poster
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 09/03/2019 14:25

Again, folks - I didn't see rape threats. That was earlier and was dealt with by the school and so I assume police were involved - I don't know for sure.

It's easy in theory to say to my daughter "give me that phone and I'll take it to the police for evidence". The reality of having a teenage girl who is hyper vigilant to what her friends think and who believes her mother to be a fuddy duddy is different.

If the police need the evidence in that's in her phone she will give it to them, I am confident of that. I'm absolutely not taking her phone off of her because a boys is behaving like a dick towards a third kid that I have no guardianship over. Yes, I COULD - but there is no need for drama. It's bad enough.

Those of you saying it's dreadful and shocking are right - but, it's not a one off, this is a big, societal problem. My daughter thinks it's "normal"! She also thinks it's revolting - but, she thinks it's behaviour that's to be expected because "boys are dicks, mum". Seems she's right - and mothers of sons need to listen to our young women and do our best to make sure they understand why this behaviour is appalling.

Teens are tricky, and if my daughter was to make the choice between her friends or me - she'd choose her friends. I am not going to risk our relationship for the sake of drama, when there are people with training, experience and authority to do it properly.

All I am is a mighty pissed off mother who saw the wee wanker this morning and had to resist a strong urge to have a word with him myself.

Drama wouldn't help. Getting the school and the police to educate the kids will. Getting peer pressure from boys to say "fuck, that's grim , behave" would work. Getting sex ed modernised and fit for purpose would work.

I've told school, I'll follow up with the community officer (who knows the kids through his role in the school) on Monday.

Meanwhile - if you have a tween or teenager handy, ask them about sexting. We could all nudge change with our individual kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 09/03/2019 14:26

Blahdeblahbahhhhh

How nice of you to say that. Thank you.

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 09/03/2019 14:31

Actually I would love for you to say that to him. It would take the power because what happens in his bedroom would not seem private anymore. They pester and target the most vulnerable. I agree it is a societal problem.

bullyingadvice2017 · 09/03/2019 14:38

Police. Hopefully they can scare the shit out of the little cretins before they turn into the next lot of abusive men

IndieTara · 09/03/2019 16:20

I have a young DD and this is one of my biggest fears

manicmij · 09/03/2019 17:34

These young people are committing a crime under the Telecommunications Act. Tell the police all you know as this can cause horrendous consequences to the girls. There has been recent media attention a young girl and her suicide a d being harassed. The boys won't stop if they think they are getting away with it. The school can only do so much they can't monitor phones.

Tessabelle74 · 09/03/2019 17:34

I'd want to know if it was my son but others won't be so happy to hear that little Billy is a potential sex offender in waiting. I'd go straight to the the head and tell them I'm also reporting it to the police

Slowmovingtraffic · 09/03/2019 17:51

Straight back to report it again to the school and police OP what they are doing/requesting is a criminal offence. Safeguarding is everyone's responsibility and schools are working hard with the police to try to stop these offences from happening and educate pupils but parents need to step in too. Basically the rule we go by is if you have any concerns you report better to flag it no matter what it is than it to end up something awful happening or being missed. I say this as someone who deals with safeguarding as part of my job.

PoloMama · 09/03/2019 17:54

Straight to the police. The girls should screenshot anything sent to them as evidence. It's imperative the police are involved now before it gets even more out of hand.

Deadpoet · 09/03/2019 17:56

A boy sent a nude video of himself to my daughter when she was in year 9. I didn’t have a clue but her friend told the student manager and within minutes the boy was suspended pending police investigation and both myself and his parents were called. He’d been begging my daughter for nudes ( she refused) so he sent the video thinking it would make her do the same. I was furious. The school dealt with it brilliantly.

Lilymossflower · 09/03/2019 17:59

Police police police !

Can't say it enough.

Police. Full stop. Screenshots of all the messages to the police.

Fuckedoffat48b · 09/03/2019 17:59

Wtf haven't you gone to the police?!

EmbarrassingStoryteller · 09/03/2019 18:11

You need to go to the police ASAP.

GiveMeSteam · 09/03/2019 18:21

My son's still only little but TBH if I found out that he'd been involved in something like this I'd probably call the police myself.

Above and beyond protecting the girls, I think you'd be doing the boys a favour by getting the police to put the fear of God into them while they're still too young to be tried as adults. Because they're not suddenly going to stop this sort of behaviour on their own.

You sound like you've got your head screwed on the right way OP. I wish you the best of luck with this Flowers

64sNewName · 09/03/2019 18:28

Oh God, this stuff is terrifying. DS (11) is lobbying for his first phone atm because lots of his friends have them and I am so anxious about what’s potentially round the corner. Worried about younger DD as well 😣

ToftyAC · 09/03/2019 18:30

I’d be straight off down to my local nick and informing the police. There are several criminal offences here.

murakamilove · 09/03/2019 18:46

That’s horrid. I’ve just shown my DD (Year 11) and she’s horrified. She said that if this happened at her school, the other students - boys (mainly) and girls would absolutely crucify the boys and they would be ‘sorted out’ & completely ostracised. (It has restored my faith in her school - it’s in Special Measures & pretty crap - but she assured me that this would absolutely not be tolerated!)
I would most definitely tell the parents.
This is not ok at all & the boys could be placed on sex offenders register if they continue with this sort of behaviour/suggestion.

lilstarr99 · 09/03/2019 18:48

My stepson sent unsolicited dick pics to three girls who reported him at school. School too it really seriously, police involved and internally excluded for a week. The police were amazing and gave him a leaflet with all the consequences of having a criminal record as well as giving him a stern talking to. We were obvs really upset with him and he had consquences, no phone, internet, Xbox etc. We told his beloved grandparents who joined in when we talked to him. He was mortified and I’m certain he won’t do it again.

What’s happened here needs to be reported to the Police. Parents also need to know.

Catsinthecupboard · 09/03/2019 19:08

Good God. My dd's friend ?girl) drew a penis on a friend's car window (as a joke)which came off without damage and she had to go to court.

Certainly this is far worse!!

(DD's no longer friends with either)

Catsinthecupboard · 09/03/2019 19:09

Oops (girl).
Not ?girl)

No question about gender.

nuxe1984 · 09/03/2019 19:44

Please report this to the police. By reporting such behaviour is the only way we can hope to get the message across that girls should not be on the receiving end of these messages and boys shouldn't even think about demanding such things.
Both boys and girls need to know this is NOT normal behaviour. And if no-one takes it seriously then they are going to carry on.
Too many girls are subjected to this vile behaviour and, as a society, we need to send the message to both boys and girls that it's not acceptable.
Those that have sent (as well as those that have received) nude photos are guilty of child pornography - even if the photo is of yourself, if you are under 18 then it's illegal. The police won't tell the parents who reported the boys but they will give them a stern warning which is what they need..
I'm appalled the school haven't taken this more seriously - they need to have a heavy talk with the whole year group about the consequences of such actions.
Have to admit, if it was my daughter receiving such texts I wouldn't wait for anyone else to deal with it, I would go straight to the police and insist that those involved were prosecuted! And if it was my son sending them I would come down so hard on him he wouldn't be allowed out for months, nor have access to the internet or his phone ...