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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

boys harassing girls for nude pics - I told school, the parents are next

218 replies

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/03/2019 11:40

There are kids in my daughters class I have known sine they were all toddlers at playgroup together. They are all now 16.

A couple of these boys have become horrible creeps - they are continually messaging the girls to try and get nude images. They are saying "you're so hot, I'd fucking ruin your ass" - endless vile messages every few minutes all through the night.

My daughter's friend refused, so four boys started messaging her how they were going to rape her as punishment. It was very graphic and sinister.

I told school. If the messages were being directed at my daughter I'd go to the police, they are so vile.

School have not managed to change the behaviour. Naturally, everyone denied it, the girls don't want their parents to know they have sent nudes and the boys have the images stored in the "secret" bit of snapchat ( that I only found out existed yesterday)

To be fair to school, they have been consistently telling the kids about the importance of Not Being A Dick on social media - but the kids just don't listen.

I know a couple of the sets of parents pretty well. AIBU to think that if school can't handle it, the parents might? If it was me I'd want to know that my son was goign through a Creepy Fucker phase and would appreciate the chance to get him to see girls as anything other than a place for his penis before he landed up on a register.

OP posts:
Original poster
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 08/03/2019 20:55

Whatsername - that's the one, thanks, I could not remember the name.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 08/03/2019 21:03

vivariumvivariumsvivaria

You posted that you have read the messages.

As for

"which will set her up against me"

You are the parent. do your job. Protect your DD.

Whatsername7 · 08/03/2019 21:06

It is where the boys in my school stored their traded pictures. They thought that they were being so clever. They called it their 'wank bank'. The thing to remember is to hate the culture, not the kid. We managed to turn things around by educating pupils and parents and empowering the girls. You have you understand why it is so prevelant too - just look at the number of celebrities who post nudes on Instagram.

DarkAtEndOfTunnel · 08/03/2019 21:29

I would have gone to the police first, then the school. This is criminal behaviour. I don't think the school is responsible for or is capable of sorting out all criminal behaviour carried out by those who happen to be its pupils. The fact that so many think it is perfectly acceptable to treat half the human race like this makes it worse. I might also consider contacting the local MP to raise awareness that this is the kind of life that is being inflicted on half the population.

onthenaughtystepagain · 08/03/2019 22:52

In any school I've worked in, Im afraid the school would have brought parents in to discuss this and also the police.

Next time anyone wants to moan about school funding remember things like this, having to get involved in the misuse of social media. If children are given the capacity to do this then they will.
It's a police matter not a school matter. Too much time wasted on things like this.

banana64 · 08/03/2019 22:54

Snapchat does not disappear.
You can contact Snapchat and get a record of every single thing that went through it.
They only think it disappears. Nothing disappears online.
I know this because I have contacted Snapchat and they have provided me this information. I have transcripts of chats and images of pics. All of it.

Whatsername7 · 09/03/2019 07:29

@onthenaughtystepagain - you are mostly right. However, it is both a police and a school matter. The police are overstretched they will refer back to the school in the first instance. We will do all preliminary investigating and pass on everything to them. Then, our safeguarding policy and government policy dictate our further actions. If you follow policy, informing parents is just one action. In some cases, we have to adapt timetables to keep victim and perpetrator seperate. If a parent phones the police, the first thing the police will do is phone the school to find out what action we have taken. The messages threatening rape are the most serious and the police absolutely would get involved, but the school has a duty of care too. My school would exclude - social media messages threatening rape are treated the same as if a pupil shouted the comment across a classroom.

DonaldTwain · 09/03/2019 07:39

Wholly agree it’s a police matter. Sounds like the school are trying to do the right thing but the little shits aren’t listening. Well maybe they’ll listen when their future careers are ruined by a police record.

mathanxiety · 09/03/2019 07:40

Rooberoobe Fri 08-Mar-19 12:53:52

If the boys are sharing the image it’s the offense of distributing child pornography. That’s a serious offense and could ruin their futures. Whatever you think about that in regards to their age is your opinion but that’s the fact.

Won't somebody think of the boys!! The poor little diddumz...

Angry Angry Angry

Ruru8thestars · 09/03/2019 07:52

Talk to police ASAP

habibihabibi · 09/03/2019 07:55

Sexual cyber bullying saw five kids expelled my friend's teens school recently.
Peer on peer abuse is real and rising.
The school should be taking action on this and involving outside agencies.

EvaHarknessRose · 09/03/2019 08:09

I think the school are being remiss. It reminds me of the warwick students www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-47060367 who have now not been allowed to return in the short term to their courses.

Tell your concerns to an outside agency such as police or childrens social care. I sincerely hope this has been reported to them, but if it hasn’t school have been remiss.

After that, write to the governors to ask what the next steps are lf the school tackling sexual bullying, and that you expect replrts to result in robust action against perpetrators to tackle the culture.

GreenTulips · 09/03/2019 09:08

It's a police matter not a school matter. Too much time wasted on things like this

I disagree

If you committed a crime then your work place would be informed and they’d get involved either sanction you or fire you.

School need to be aware of these issues

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/03/2019 10:10

Yes but it’s the police that deal with the crime. As they should do here.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 10:43

This part could be passed off as a 'phase' and the rise of whatsapp, snapchat along with with teenage hormones is a recipe for disaster. However the fact they are messaging girls so often through the night and making rape threats is not at all typical teen behaviour.

The language the boys used seems related to porn - so their parents aren't trying to supervise what they're watching or having much needed discussions about porn Vs real life (or porn at all).

Actually to be threatening to take someone - it seems past even just porn influence, they're perhaps sociopathic/psychopathic/sadly beyond help, these are the males that will most likely sexually abuse, assault, coerce sex and rape throughout their lives.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/03/2019 10:43

*rape someone

Blahdeblahbahhhhh · 09/03/2019 10:52

vivariumvivariumsvivaria
I love how serious you are about protecting girls, how thoughtful you are about the best way to achieve that and how you didn’t take BS from random mumsnetters.

You’re my hero Grin

Deliqueen · 09/03/2019 10:53

"Snapchat is a terrible, terrible thing - and they are all on it"
They are not all on it. My daughter knows that she is not allowed it on the phone that I pay for!
She moans but also understands why we dont agree to it. We have had lots of conversations about it. Luckily she isn't the only one in her immediate friendship group to not have it so we dont feel ultra mean!

Whatsername7 · 09/03/2019 10:54

Morality - it is massively linked to porn! Spot on! Also, instagram culture. Girls see the Kardashians applauded for sharing naked pictures. What they send is exactly the same type of image, and they are extorted, ridiculed and chastised. The image gets traded like currency.

SoupDragon · 09/03/2019 10:55

If the boys are sharing the image it’s the offense of distributing child pornography. That’s a serious offense and could ruin their futures. Whatever you think about that in regards to their age is your opinion but that’s the fact.

It's the same for the girls isn't it as they created and shared the images?

ForalltheSaints · 09/03/2019 11:00

The police should be involved- both for the threats of rape and I think also that the continual sending of messages wanting nude pictures is probably stalking or harassment.

Waytooearly · 09/03/2019 11:37

Do I understand this right? You saw on your daughter's phone rape threats made against another young girl?

And you're dithering about whether to inform police?

Waytooearly · 09/03/2019 11:42

One of the most disturbing things I read on mumsnet are these posts with people convincing themselves or others not to involve police in cases of abuse because they've randomly decided there's insufficient forensic evidence or the police 'can't do anything'.

justasking111 · 09/03/2019 12:02

It may have occurred to the OP that her DD could be in serious trouble too. You would have to think really hard about that. I would speak to a solicitor before the police in that case.

Waytooearly · 09/03/2019 12:35

That's a new one. A solicitor has to consulted before police are called just in case the minor who tried to alert her parents to rape threats made against her young friend.

I think people will just keep inventing ever more bizarre and farcical reasons to excuse complacency here.

But the fact is that the OP literally saw with her own eyes rape threats against a minor, and is now trying to justify not going to the police. And people are crowding on here to support her decision.

OP your daughter is getting a powerful lesson from you here if you decide her young friend isn't worth the potential awkwardness of a police report.

This is exactly what people mean when they describe 'rape culture'.