“Well I don’t want to...but if I have to I will!” 😡

[HappyHoll]

DP and I are getting married in 10 weeks!

I’ve also been working FT, studying a degree FT and organising this wedding FT, causing serious stress.

He reasons that, coming to appointments with me and helping to pick between 2-3 short listed options (which I narrow down from thousands 😒), means he’s doing loads!

And yes when I talk to others I realise he is better than ‘most’ grooms! However, when he proposed- I spelt out to him that due to my commitments he would need to STEP UP to share the ‘mental load’!

Today recovering from a horrible virus and am supposed to make an hour journey for the flowers girls to try on their dresses!

We’ve already rescheduled twice (because we’re too busy to go), so I can’t reschedule again. We also have no available time to reschedule to!

The girls 6 and 9, keep getting excited and then being let down and the dresses are too much to post. DP is a GP and says I’m no longer an infection threat so that’s not an excuse!

DP messaged at lunch to say he’s taken the afternoon as annual leave after a training session was cancelled.

“Great, would you come with me to do the flower girl dresses so I don’t have to do the whole drive myself, feeling pants?”

DP (bottom lip out)- “well I don’t want to... but if I have to I will.”

Smaked of ‘I don’t want to waste my annual leave on wedding stuff’ - despite almost all my annual leave going on this!

AIBU to be fuming and have stomped off upstairs?
He’s down there watching Netflix...amidst all the wedding crafts I’ve spent the morning glue gunning together!

In general he’s wonderful and caring, and ofc he WILL come with me, but I just hate the reluctance, that Im asking him to spend HIS annual leave doing something for OUR wedding! The audacity I have 🙄

It depends do you both want the big wedding it sounds like your having or is that all being led by you?

I guess he's just not feeling it.

Well my love, if you are doing most of it you will get it how YOU want, I realise now that I did everything bar the grooms side of the families button holes, and yikes were they naff, an inch or more of silver foil poking down.
Husband just turned up on the morning. I didn’t trust his design choices for the wedding so cracked on with it myself...and he didn’t think to offer an opinion either, happy days. Still married 29 years later

Sorry, I thought that too: does he actually want all that stuff? We had registry and very nice dinner for 30, all organised, such as it was 😁, in about 3 weeks.
You need to ask him. You really shouldn’t be resenting your wedding day.

My husband planned all of our wedding because I didnt really care. Maybe he wants the marriage but isnt bothered about the wedding?

No, I wanted to elope actually.

Big wedding was VERY much lead by DP, and he regulars looks to me for reassurance that I’m happy with it and ‘glad’ we chose to do it this way!

Well, who decided to have a wedding with two flower girls and all the work that goes with it?

I mean, our wedding was tiny and I certainly didn't use any annual leaving planning it. It also didn't cause me any stress.

Did you discuss the size of the wedding and all it entailed together first?

*reguarly

sorry, a bit confused from your post

do you both want this type of wedding?

one of my friends had her DH nag her endlessly about their wedding, but he wanted the frills and fuss, so she just got annoyed when he wanted to have in depth chats about table decorations - she told him she'd just go with what he wanted and that she wouldn't take time off work.

in fact, she forgot she needed a bouquet till 2 days before so I ended up choosing it. But she was very clear with him that she was just along for the ride.

mega cross post

cancel cheque

okay, yes, he should be doing all this then.

Just to add, it was perfect and 30+ years on we’re going back to the same place in a few weeks to celebrate husband’s 60th. Big isn’t necessarily best.

In which case, for goodness’ sake, tell him if he wants all that palaver he can organise it all. If he doesn’t want to, cancel it! Save your money and spend it on something worthwhile.

Ah, that puts a different spin on things. Why are you doing it all for him, then?

Good grief. Cancel the big wedding. Go small scale. I can never understand why people make their lives such a misery with elaborate weddings.

I would be telling him he can go to the appointment and you can stay home in bed and get better!

Yes he’s being really unfair given he’s the one that wanted a big wedding!

I would set out to him, in clear non-argumentative way, that big weddings mean a lot of organising work; and that you are currently doing most of that; so either you pay a wedding planner to sort the lot out, or he starts doing a lot more of this because as it stands this is really unfair on you and likely to breed resentment.

My dh was the same - wanted a huge wedding but didn't want to do anything. I'd have much rather eloped. So I feel you

Omg then you hold the big gun.

'Ok fine then. I thought you wanted the big wedding, but honestly it doesn't look as if you can be arsed any more than me. I'll call and cancel the flower girls. Actually, shall I call and cancel most if not all of it? I'm coming back round to the idea of eloping actually, I'm reeeeally not feeling all the glue gunning...'

Why in the hell are you glue gunning ANYTHING for your wedding?? You're just making this far more difficult than it needs to be.

Mine did nothing whatsoever. I organised the whole shebang, I thought that was the norm.

he regulars looks to me for reassurance that I’m happy with it and ‘glad’ we chose to do it this way

So next time tell him you're not.

Hate to say it but he sounds quite sexist over it - in his mind, YOU should be the one wanting a huge fluffy wedding and be running round squeaking about flowers while he sits and watches the footy and smiles fondly and gets to roll his eyes and act 'big man' who's happy to turn up on the day but hey, weddings is woman's work!

Stop this shit now. Just say you're not bothered and he says he is, no actually you're NOT ok with it and right now you're NOT glad you 'chose' to do it this way because he's being a right twisty bugger over it. You've done enough, now. He wants this to happen? HE starts taking on the legwork. Or, you cancel.

tell him to sort the flower dresses out and you get on with other stuff...
he owns that now- if he wanted fuss he needs to pick up the slack...

divinde whats left to be done between....and tehn dont complain if itt isnt to your tase or do everything and become a bridezilla/martyr ...

why hasnt he said great got a free afternoon what can we get done .....either together or seperately....
you sound a bit of a doormat/martyr in waiting FFS hes a gp well capable of doing stuff

I'm engaged and we're organising our wedding. I would be really unhappy if my DFiancé acted as though it was all a big inconvenience for him.

I would recommend you have a recorded 'chat' about marriage expectations while you are at it such as 'when we have children, who do you expect to do x, y, z?' and 'do you believe that if you look after the children that you are babysitting them?' etc etc.

It could be that all this, from wedding onwards is 'women's work'. Worth clarifying all that before moving forwards .