“Well I don’t want to...but if I have to I will!” 😡

[HappyHoll]

DP and I are getting married in 10 weeks!

I’ve also been working FT, studying a degree FT and organising this wedding FT, causing serious stress.

He reasons that, coming to appointments with me and helping to pick between 2-3 short listed options (which I narrow down from thousands 😒), means he’s doing loads!

And yes when I talk to others I realise he is better than ‘most’ grooms! However, when he proposed- I spelt out to him that due to my commitments he would need to STEP UP to share the ‘mental load’!

Today recovering from a horrible virus and am supposed to make an hour journey for the flowers girls to try on their dresses!

We’ve already rescheduled twice (because we’re too busy to go), so I can’t reschedule again. We also have no available time to reschedule to!

The girls 6 and 9, keep getting excited and then being let down and the dresses are too much to post. DP is a GP and says I’m no longer an infection threat so that’s not an excuse!

DP messaged at lunch to say he’s taken the afternoon as annual leave after a training session was cancelled.

“Great, would you come with me to do the flower girl dresses so I don’t have to do the whole drive myself, feeling pants?”

DP (bottom lip out)- “well I don’t want to... but if I have to I will.”

Smaked of ‘I don’t want to waste my annual leave on wedding stuff’ - despite almost all my annual leave going on this!

AIBU to be fuming and have stomped off upstairs?
He’s down there watching Netflix...amidst all the wedding crafts I’ve spent the morning glue gunning together!

In general he’s wonderful and caring, and ofc he WILL come with me, but I just hate the reluctance, that Im asking him to spend HIS annual leave doing something for OUR wedding! The audacity I have 🙄

I assumed that OP wanted her fiancé to drive there and back as she's recovering from illness so might not feel 100%

Bizarre that he's not the one glue gunning etc I think that you are a mug for doing the wife-to-be work when you'd prefer to elope, You need to delegate him some stuff. Dress fittings might be difficult as he might not know what goes with the wedding dress but he could easily do the glue gunning and many of the other tasks since he wants the big wedding.

You need to explain to him that the marriage can't be like this. If he wants kids he needs to do 50% of the parenting, if you want a big wedding while the other doesn't then you should do more than 50% of the work etc

OP Have you thought about FaceTiming the parents in the shop or buying the dresses online so that this task is completed sooner?

Am married to a gp, get used to being left to get on with it

I could not have married a man who had thought about his wedding enough to know he wanted a big wedding. Big turn off for me.

My DH hadn't put the slightest thought into what sort of wedding he wanted. He just wanted to be married and it was entirely my choice what sort of wedding we had.

As it happens we had a tiny one, 18 people, register office then champagne afternoon tea reception in posh hotel opposite register office then we all got changed into comfy clothes and went to the pub!

Why does he want a big wedding?

Tell him to get his head out of his arse and give you a hand. Don't let him walk all over you, a wedding is a joint venture. Hope you have a lovely wedding though x

I doubt the conversation went like this

Him: I want a big wedding
OP: Ok

I suspect the conversation went like this

OP: So, will we elope or have a big wedding?
Him: Let's have a big wedding!

PS, this wedding won't last pissing time.

And divorce predicted within 4 years.

Double put the wine down and READ the OP’s posts at least. You’re making a fool of yourself and a bloody annoying one at that.

Stop being a bloody martyr.

Why are you using annual leave to sort a wedding and choosing thousands of options of stuff to slim down to 2 or 3 options.

You really are making a meal of this.

Tell your lazy bastard husband to be, that you're done. Tell him you will assist him if he needs it, but you've done more than your share.

How. An yih work FT and do a degree FT? Can you be in 2 places at once?
Perhaps delay the wedding until:
-You've got more time to organise it and aren't being in Two places full time at once
-you resolve the communication issues with your boyfriend
-you are certain that he wants a big wedding and will do an equal share of the organisation
-you've had time to explore how household chores will be divi, especially when you have children
See the relationship thread for all the people who are hacked off that their dh does bugger all, in most cases he's always done bugger all but they still married him (big mistake)
There are billions of men in the world, is this really the man for you?

My DH had an input in the bridesmaid dresses and flowers. As I said, he wanted the wedding, he had to have input. What is wrong with men showing interest in a joint event? I had a say in the groomsman/ushers clothes.

I think feeling unwell had made me rather ratty.

DP apologised and said he’d had a bad morning. Whilst taking the dresses (already ordered online) to the girls for them to try on, wasn’t perhaps his ideal way to spend the afternoon, he was pretty excited to see them!

Anyway we went and had a nice time!

It wasn’t about the dresses as much as the driving, feeling unwell and driving for an hour is a total slog!!

Generally I don’t mind doing most of the stuff, although atm I barely have time to eat and shower between!

So....nothings going to change?

Missing the point here but since when were men involved in the flower girl/bridesmaid side of things?

Honestly? I think you've backed down from addressing some genuine issues here.

I too predict a fast disintegration of this marriage if you don't face up to them.

7 pages of people just wasted their breath...

Agree with other PP.

In a few months or years'' time you'll be posting in frustration about how you're doing everything around the house/with the children.

Stop doing it all.

My husband and I split the jobs for the wedding and played to our strengths - I.e. things that needed to be done a long time in advance to a schedule to me, things that could be more last minute to him.

We shared opinions on a few things, and even though we picked the last minute jobs on purpose to him, I was pretty anxious that they weren't yet done, but otherwise, it went very smoothly.

You sound entirely incompatible.

Okay you sound a bit nuts.

Make sure you wash and eat food.

For god's sake.

OP so much of the wedding stuff is a big of time. My advice is not to bother with lots of options, make quick decisions, let yourself feel good about those choices, laugh when the inevitable goes wrong, and have fun with it. The details don’t matter.

You brought this on yourself. You shouldn’t be planning a wedding he wanted. You’ve set yourself up for a life of wife work. Think carefully before having children with him.

I don't understand why you said you'd do it all and now are complaining?
If my dh had decided on a big wedding he'd be paying for people to do everything or doing a lot himself.
Why did you agree to do it all?