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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Well I don’t want to...but if I have to I will!” 😡

214 replies

HappyHoll · 07/03/2019 14:16

DP and I are getting married in 10 weeks!

I’ve also been working FT, studying a degree FT and organising this wedding FT, causing serious stress.

He reasons that, coming to appointments with me and helping to pick between 2-3 short listed options (which I narrow down from thousands 😒), means he’s doing loads!

And yes when I talk to others I realise he is better than ‘most’ grooms! However, when he proposed- I spelt out to him that due to my commitments he would need to STEP UP to share the ‘mental load’!

Today recovering from a horrible virus and am supposed to make an hour journey for the flowers girls to try on their dresses!

We’ve already rescheduled twice (because we’re too busy to go), so I can’t reschedule again. We also have no available time to reschedule to!

The girls 6 and 9, keep getting excited and then being let down and the dresses are too much to post. DP is a GP and says I’m no longer an infection threat so that’s not an excuse!

DP messaged at lunch to say he’s taken the afternoon as annual leave after a training session was cancelled.

“Great, would you come with me to do the flower girl dresses so I don’t have to do the whole drive myself, feeling pants?”

DP (bottom lip out)- “well I don’t want to... but if I have to I will.”

Smaked of ‘I don’t want to waste my annual leave on wedding stuff’ - despite almost all my annual leave going on this!

AIBU to be fuming and have stomped off upstairs?
He’s down there watching Netflix...amidst all the wedding crafts I’ve spent the morning glue gunning together!

In general he’s wonderful and caring, and ofc he WILL come with me, but I just hate the reluctance, that Im asking him to spend HIS annual leave doing something for OUR wedding! The audacity I have 🙄

OP posts:
5foot5 · 07/03/2019 17:34

I’ve also been working FT, studying a degree FT and organising this wedding FT, causing serious stress.

Sorry to be nit-picking but if the acronym FT means "full time" then how is this even possible? I can see that you could do one of these activities "full-time" but surely, by definition, the others must be part-time?

It reminds me of the hopefuls on X-Factor who claim they are giving it 110% and I want to say "No! How can you give something more than 100%? In fact given that you have to spend some time sleeping, eating, washing, visiting the loo and travelling from place to place the very best you can manage is surely 60%"

Rant over.

BrendaUrie · 07/03/2019 17:35

He wants to marry you. Not have a wedding.

2 different things.

I would love to marry my DP but I would want to die at the thought of all the bullshit that comes with it.

Town Hall wedding with a £40 dress and a bunch of Aldi flowers? I Do!

I assume it's YOU that wanted the big day and all the fuss?

Missingstreetlife · 07/03/2019 17:36

He has too. You want company and don't feel like driving. What's the problem?
It's a wonder anybody gets as far as a wedding.
Men are like dogs, train them. Some men are dogs, get rid.
This one is lazy, kick his arse

BrendaUrie · 07/03/2019 17:37

Men are like dogs. You have to train them??

That's fucking disgusting Angry

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 17:40

Men are like cats actually. You need to put them into a cage in the back of the car and bring them unwillingly with you to the flower girl dress fitting.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/03/2019 17:40

Don't marry him. He is selfish and rude.

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 17:41

Why do you need him with you OP? This marriage ain't going to get down the aisle. Can you shit without him?

ethelfleda · 07/03/2019 17:41

Mine did nothing whatsoever. I organised the whole shebang, I thought that was the norm

Nope. In the run up to our wedding, DH and I would have weekly ‘meetings’ for want of a better word... I.e. sitting in the garden with a bottle of wine and a list of what we still had to do and when it had to be done by. Then we shared the load out! Or we would listen to music to pick what we wanted etc. It actually made the whole process just as romantic as the actual day. Granted, our wedding wasn’t huge and there was no glue guns involved but there was still a fair bit of prep.

Parker231 · 07/03/2019 17:42

Why didn’t you, at the planning stage, divide the list of what needed doing between you? There is no need for you to do everything. Are you planning on doing everything when you are married? Leave him to sort out the flower girls dresses whilst you do something else.

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 17:43

OP. Think of it like this. Your dp wants a star wars convention/theme for the wedding. He drags you to every fucking Star Wars film 'for inspiration', and to every Star Wars convention, to 'get some ideas'. Would you want to stab him?

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 17:44

Still want to know what glue gunning is.

Graphista · 07/03/2019 17:45

Wow! Time for a serious chat.

HE wanted the big wedding HE needs to at least do half the bloody work for it and certainly not be whinging and reluctant about being expected to!

Some pps seem to have missed that op has said

HE WANTED THE BIG WEDDING

It also doesn't bode well for the future going forward. He expects you to do the "wifework"

Are you nurse training by any chance? That would explain the working and studying full time.

Why did you plan the wedding for before you finished your study? That seems a poor decision.

I'd be telling him he needs to pull his bloody weight! I'd also be having a serious conversation about what he thinks your division of labour and mental load will be after you're married, cos to be honest it's not looking good!

macblank · 07/03/2019 17:46

Me and my fiancee can't afford to get married at the moment, and nice to see that you've not once mentioned money... Nice

We plan to go to the local registry, with about 4 people (daughter n her wife, and our granddaughter, and my best mate).

Just the 6 of us will go somewhere nice for lunch, and then go to a pub etc for everyone else in the evening.

The dress will be something she chooses, but I agree on, but also, something that could be.worn on other occasions (can't afford to buy a one off dress).

So, my advice... Say fuck it, you know what, you want the big "show off" wedding, you sort it, and I'm not taking anymore time off work for it.

Whatever you do, don't stressed over it, you're only getting married, it ain't life or death.

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 17:46

Parker. Seriously. She wants him to drive with her to the flower girl dress destination. She is not actually allowing him to pick! Shock

I think some of you overestimate what men are capable of doing!

CalishataFolkart · 07/03/2019 17:48

doubleorquits

Glue gunning is sticking things together using a glue gun.

It’s her fiancé who wants the big wedding not her. It’s his idea that she is having to facilitate.

ethelfleda · 07/03/2019 17:50

I think some of you overestimate what men are capable of doing!

Or some of us married fully functioning adults so to is it’s the norm?

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 17:51

Never heard of a glue gun, but I suspect the poor husband to be is going to be glue gunned into the car lol.

SaturdayNext · 07/03/2019 17:51

It does sound as if an awful lot of this stress is a bit self-induced. Who the hell needs "wedding crafts", particularly if they are working full time, studying for a degree full time (how is that possible) and have been unwell? Do you really have to be there when the flower girls try on their dresses - can their parents take them? Why did you not tell him that if he doesn't want to do this stuff then you'll be having a small scale registry office do?

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 17:52

So you all have had your fiances pick out your flower girls dresses?

diddl · 07/03/2019 17:55

So who decided to have flower girls & chose these 2 girls-aren't they the ones who should attend the fitting?

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 17:55

I think the OP just wants her DP to go with her. It's nothing to do with the wedding really. He can't be arsed, he has time off work and wants to play games!
Might not be a match made in heaven, but I would say it's pretty typical.

Parker231 · 07/03/2019 17:58

I think some of you overestimate what men are capable of doing!

Some of us had adult discussions and decided in advance who would do what. We trusted each other to do what needed to be done.

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 17:58

I can guarantee you, men do not know that flower girls are actually organised. He won't notice that they're wearing matching outfits at previous weddings. He just thinks they rock up looking pretty lol. Honestly, you're giving men more credit than they deserve here.

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 17:59

Parker, what jobs did he assign you?

WinnieFosterTether · 07/03/2019 18:02

Double do you know any adult men? My DH, my DBs, heck even my DF (who was very traditional in his views) could choose dresses. In fact, and you may need to sit down, my DF used to help my DM make dresses for my DSIS. Oh, and he could drive, cook, do admin - almost like he was real person.

I can't decide if you're selling men short or selling yourself short because you put up with men spinning you lines about how incapable they are Hmm