“Well I don’t want to...but if I have to I will!” 😡

[HappyHoll]

DP and I are getting married in 10 weeks!

I’ve also been working FT, studying a degree FT and organising this wedding FT, causing serious stress.

He reasons that, coming to appointments with me and helping to pick between 2-3 short listed options (which I narrow down from thousands 😒), means he’s doing loads!

And yes when I talk to others I realise he is better than ‘most’ grooms! However, when he proposed- I spelt out to him that due to my commitments he would need to STEP UP to share the ‘mental load’!

Today recovering from a horrible virus and am supposed to make an hour journey for the flowers girls to try on their dresses!

We’ve already rescheduled twice (because we’re too busy to go), so I can’t reschedule again. We also have no available time to reschedule to!

The girls 6 and 9, keep getting excited and then being let down and the dresses are too much to post. DP is a GP and says I’m no longer an infection threat so that’s not an excuse!

DP messaged at lunch to say he’s taken the afternoon as annual leave after a training session was cancelled.

“Great, would you come with me to do the flower girl dresses so I don’t have to do the whole drive myself, feeling pants?”

DP (bottom lip out)- “well I don’t want to... but if I have to I will.”

Smaked of ‘I don’t want to waste my annual leave on wedding stuff’ - despite almost all my annual leave going on this!

AIBU to be fuming and have stomped off upstairs?
He’s down there watching Netflix...amidst all the wedding crafts I’ve spent the morning glue gunning together!

In general he’s wonderful and caring, and ofc he WILL come with me, but I just hate the reluctance, that Im asking him to spend HIS annual leave doing something for OUR wedding! The audacity I have 🙄

Surely people who want big weddings organise their own big weddings?

“Hi, Mum, was hoping you could spend several hours a day doing this thing DP wants organised so he doesn’t have to do the drudge work. Yes, yes, I know he’s the one who wanted it, but he is A Man and therefore cannot be expected to care about the details. That’s our job as women!”

Shift his share of the work onto him ffs.

OP you really do need to look at his actions not his words.
A PP poster said that in response to his, "I don't want to" Your reply should have been, "Neither do I" I would have then said, "I think we need to rethink the type of wedding. I want to elope and do it on a beach." Then go silent. He then has to step up and do a tonne of work towards the wedding he wants or you then get your way.
This is a fortelling of how your marriage will be. Start stepping back. At the moment you are being his Mummy and that is not sexy or sustainable.

Bad communication from both of you. Your understandable resentment will sour the whole thing anyway.

Neither dh nor I organised our wedding my mother did she had just retired and we got married in their village she loved having a project. She was quite sad when both sisters insisted on doing their own but dh and I so grateful. We did buy my parents a weekend away to say thank you so we not total cheeky fuckers.

I keep coming back to your mention that when he proposed, you had to tell him to step up on the mental load.

So, this sort of thing was already an issue?

And now the wedding planning is really highlighting the non-stepping-up. He clearly didn't listen to you, or care what you said.

He's not going to get better. Sorry.

He really can't be bothered with wedding stuff can he?
I've got to say, I don't blame him. Sounds like a chore.

My Dad's advice to me (a doctor) - Never marry outside of your profession or they'll never understand.

What does being a doctor have to do with choosing to have a big wedding but failing to do any of the work necessitated by it? If you know you're not going to have time to help and your fiancé doesn't want the big wedding, being a doctor doesn't mean that you have to get your way.

If your DH wants a big wedding and you don't then why are you organising flower girls in the first place? That seems rather contradictory. DH and I were in a similar position. I told him what I would organise (not much) and what I wouldn't and then stuck to it. This meant that there were no flower girls and loads of other things but obviously I didn't care as I wasn't the one who wanted a big wedding in the first place. DH ended up rushing around a lot at the last minute (when he realised that I really wasn't getting involved I think!) but there were no arguments and the whole thing was pretty much stress free for me.

I give it 1 year max after DCs arrive.

I concur.

While me and @burritofan live in matrimonial bliss

It shouldn't be that hard or cause that much stress.
We had a 3 month engagement and planned our wedding within 2 months. We had no savings at all. And a baby on the way, and I wasn't working. But it was so easy as we worked together and got it done.
I think you need to have a chat about what you both really want

Men tend not to be as interested in wedding arrangements as us women. I can understand him not being interested in going to girls dressing fittings. That would sound like hell to most men.

Men tend not to be as interested in wedding arrangements as us women. I can understand him not being interested in going to girls dressing fittings. That would sound like hell to most men.

Can you understand that not all women enjoy it either as it is not actually encoded into the X chromosome? We are all different and suggesting that OP should do something because she is female and therefore it is more enjoyable for her than her DP is outrageous.

I am getting the vibe that he doesn’t actually want to get married. Look at his actions.