“Well I don’t want to...but if I have to I will!” 😡

[HappyHoll]

DP and I are getting married in 10 weeks!

I’ve also been working FT, studying a degree FT and organising this wedding FT, causing serious stress.

He reasons that, coming to appointments with me and helping to pick between 2-3 short listed options (which I narrow down from thousands 😒), means he’s doing loads!

And yes when I talk to others I realise he is better than ‘most’ grooms! However, when he proposed- I spelt out to him that due to my commitments he would need to STEP UP to share the ‘mental load’!

Today recovering from a horrible virus and am supposed to make an hour journey for the flowers girls to try on their dresses!

We’ve already rescheduled twice (because we’re too busy to go), so I can’t reschedule again. We also have no available time to reschedule to!

The girls 6 and 9, keep getting excited and then being let down and the dresses are too much to post. DP is a GP and says I’m no longer an infection threat so that’s not an excuse!

DP messaged at lunch to say he’s taken the afternoon as annual leave after a training session was cancelled.

“Great, would you come with me to do the flower girl dresses so I don’t have to do the whole drive myself, feeling pants?”

DP (bottom lip out)- “well I don’t want to... but if I have to I will.”

Smaked of ‘I don’t want to waste my annual leave on wedding stuff’ - despite almost all my annual leave going on this!

AIBU to be fuming and have stomped off upstairs?
He’s down there watching Netflix...amidst all the wedding crafts I’ve spent the morning glue gunning together!

In general he’s wonderful and caring, and ofc he WILL come with me, but I just hate the reluctance, that Im asking him to spend HIS annual leave doing something for OUR wedding! The audacity I have 🙄

Do either of you need to go?? Can’t the girl’s parents take them and send you a pic/FaceTime you while they’re there to check you’re happy with them?

I don't really understand how you've found yourself in this situation.
No one is making you do anything , just stop.
If he wants a big wedding he can arrange one. Why does he want a big wedding anyway ?

Unless you want to repeat this for years on end, take a step back and have a serious discussion about the whole wedding. Don't get suckered in by 'but you're so much better at this', 'i don't really know what to do' etc. Don't let him get away with this nonsense, and if he doesn't step up, have a serious think about whether you actually want to get married and keep having these discussions for years on end.

‘A big wedding’ is a very ambiguous phrase - does he mean he wants lots of people? Did he specify wedding crafts? There’s no need for glue gunning at any sort of wedding, if you didn’t want to do it just don’t.

The amount of bollox tasks some of my friends invented to do for their weddings (home made personalise beer labels...?) make me think that either of you could be U and it’s impossible to tell.

Why are you glue-gunning wedding crafts?? It sounds like you're busy enough as it is so why make work for yourself? Just pare things down to the minimum and outsource any stuff that is too much. Why can't your bridesmaid / matron of honour be there for the flower girl fittings? You don't need to do absolutely everything.

Your DH should be more supportive but maybe his attitude to the flower girl thing was more of a sheepish feeling that as a man he would be out of place at a dress fitting. My DH would feel awkward about something like too, although he would still go if I was sick and needed him to.

Sounds like you're doing an awful lot yourself. What are your family doing? My mother helped a lot with my wedding and my chief bridesmaid too and I also made everything very simple, no crafts and wedding favours bought by my MIL etc.

You asked, he answered. It's the sort of honesty that should be encouraged.

"I wouldn't choose to do it, but if it's important to you, I will" is a pretty valid answer.

My DH wanted a big wedding, he planned the big wedding, I just picked a dress (from the sale rack!). If you wanted to elope and he doesn't he needs to spend his spare time doing the plans, if he won't go back to plan A

RTFT, beefthief, he’s the one who the big wedding was important to and now she’s the one lumped with all the organising work.

OP resist the plan to give him a list of specific tasks as some are suggesting. That still means you’re the one in charge and you’re delegating to him. You need to make it clear to him that if he wants this kind of wedding, he needs to be taking this kind of active role in the planning and the work, not just passively loping along behind you.

OP I think there is some projection going on here. Your attitude to the shopping expedition seems very similar to your husbands. You would much rather not be going on this trip either. He is saying what you are thinking and it’s touched a nerve.

I hope you both go and have a good time.

You would much rather not be going on this trip either. He is saying what you are thinking and it’s touched a nerve.

The difference is that the OP feels she has to go because of the flowergirls, whereas the groom is saying that he has to go because of the OP, not the girls or his wedding.

Ha, I’m in a crap mood so I apologise if this is blunt.

There would be no wedding if I was in this situation. You are either a couple or not. Not saying joined at the hip, not saying being perfectly in sync with every decision BUT if he can’t lend a hand when you ask what actually is the point?

I'd have cancelled the whole thing by now. Hand the reins over to him and tell him he knows where you are if he needs your input from here on out.

You two communicate very poorly.
I also don't understand the wedding crafts? It sounds like you are making way too much work for yourself. Why do you even have to go the flower girl fitting?

RTFT, beefthief, he’s the one who the big wedding was important to and now she’s the one lumped with all the organising work

I've read the f thread, @53rdway - thanks for the dull attempt at being patronising, though. The OP is playing martyr, and failing to communicate with her husband to be.

What exactly should he have said to her? A lie?

Well he could have said “since I’m the one who wanted this kind of wedding while you wanted to elope, plus you are now ill, I’ll go along to things like dress-fittings for flower-girls (even though it is kind of boring and now what I’d prefer to spend my afternoon off doing).”

I’m betting OP doesn’t exactly desperately want to go either. Sometimes if you’re planning a big event you need to do boring stuff.

This is a you problem.
You don't want the big wedding. You don't want to plan a big wedding. So stop.

He's not being kind to you OP, think hard about this

What is glue gunning?

You are definitely being the martyr here, let him do it!

I can't think of any man who wouldn't rather stick pins in his eyes than go to a flower girls dress fitting! (I'd be the one stabbing him if he did).

Don't let the little flower girls down again. That's just mean.

I don't know what sort of men you lot have, but mine wouldn't be able to tell the difference between pink, salmon and oyster.
What do you expect him to do? It's like dragging me along to a cricket game! Or a Star Wars exhibition or something.
Are you being a bit Bridezilla?

Surely the answer is, "well I don't want to either. Welcome to being a grown up taking joint responsibility for things we are doing together."

I had been just about to say something, but @WingedHarpy got there first. That was exactly what I had thought.

TBH, if you can't even organise your own wedding, are you sure you're ready for marriage?
The only input I would want would be on the financials.
I might as easily set a chimpanzee loose in New York and ask him to organise my wedding as DH (similar brain capacity for colours lol).