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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Well I don’t want to...but if I have to I will!” 😡

214 replies

HappyHoll · 07/03/2019 14:16

DP and I are getting married in 10 weeks!

I’ve also been working FT, studying a degree FT and organising this wedding FT, causing serious stress.

He reasons that, coming to appointments with me and helping to pick between 2-3 short listed options (which I narrow down from thousands 😒), means he’s doing loads!

And yes when I talk to others I realise he is better than ‘most’ grooms! However, when he proposed- I spelt out to him that due to my commitments he would need to STEP UP to share the ‘mental load’!

Today recovering from a horrible virus and am supposed to make an hour journey for the flowers girls to try on their dresses!

We’ve already rescheduled twice (because we’re too busy to go), so I can’t reschedule again. We also have no available time to reschedule to!

The girls 6 and 9, keep getting excited and then being let down and the dresses are too much to post. DP is a GP and says I’m no longer an infection threat so that’s not an excuse!

DP messaged at lunch to say he’s taken the afternoon as annual leave after a training session was cancelled.

“Great, would you come with me to do the flower girl dresses so I don’t have to do the whole drive myself, feeling pants?”

DP (bottom lip out)- “well I don’t want to... but if I have to I will.”

Smaked of ‘I don’t want to waste my annual leave on wedding stuff’ - despite almost all my annual leave going on this!

AIBU to be fuming and have stomped off upstairs?
He’s down there watching Netflix...amidst all the wedding crafts I’ve spent the morning glue gunning together!

In general he’s wonderful and caring, and ofc he WILL come with me, but I just hate the reluctance, that Im asking him to spend HIS annual leave doing something for OUR wedding! The audacity I have 🙄

OP posts:
Thisisnotadrill · 07/03/2019 14:40

I feel your pain I practically had to drag DH up the aisle (he proposed!) I was nigh on telling him to report me to the forced marriages agency Grin

hiphopapotamuses · 07/03/2019 14:43

We are due to elope in a couple of weeks because both of us couldn't be arsed with this level of faff. Your beloved is being a tool though. Remind that it was him that wanted it and maybe work to rule with the rest of the planning? Hope you feel better soon OP

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 07/03/2019 14:43

I'm stuck on glue gunning stuff tbh. Why would you do that to yourself??

AryaStarkWolf · 07/03/2019 14:47

Big wedding was VERY much lead by DP, and he regulars looks to me for reassurance that I’m happy with it and ‘glad’ we chose to do it this way!

If he wanted a big wedding and you didn't why are you doing all the organising, like leave him do it?

EvaHarknessRose · 07/03/2019 14:49

This is what your marriage will be like. And some of those things will be more important to you than this wedding. He has the male expectation of a woman to take care of everything for him so he can concentrate on his big important work and .. himself of course. If you already understand mental load, you need to stop doing it all now. Even if that means big conversations and brinkmanship about this wedding. This is the dynamic for the rest of your life you are dealing with right now.

And I speak with experience.

Bluetrews25 · 07/03/2019 14:51

I'm stuck on glue gunning stuff tbh
Grin
OP, are you on glue?

Vulpine · 07/03/2019 14:53

What appointments are you going to that are causing the stress? Just ditch them

cuppycakey · 07/03/2019 14:53

I am mystified.

You didn't want a big wedding?

He did - but you are the one doing all the work?

OP have you heard the expression "start as you mean to go on?"

I would cancel the big wedding as he obviously isn't bothered enough to actually do anything. Just elope. Disgusting waste of money anyway Grin

Bambamber · 07/03/2019 14:54

But if you've done all the planning, you've made all the choices that are leading to extra work? Weddings really don't need to be that much stress or hassle

FizzyGreenWater · 07/03/2019 14:54

I'd honestly just throw it all up in the air now tbh.

Why not? - you'd rather elope anyway.

'DP, I'm done with the wedding stuff. I'm not glad any more and I'm not doing any more organising, at all. If you want to carry on and actually have the wedding, here's the files, here's the contact details - your turn. What? I can't do this? Yes, I can. And I definitely will if I think I'm being taken for a mug. I would file that little bit of information actually - think you'll find it a useful reference point for the rest of our marriage. If we have one, of course' Wink

Vulpine · 07/03/2019 14:55

Sorry just saw it's flower girl fittings. Just get something from monsoon?

diddl · 07/03/2019 15:01

Why can't the girls be brought to you?

Idk.

I must have had a really simple wedding because I read stuff like this-
"coming to appointments with me and helping to pick between 2-3 short listed options (which I narrow down from thousands "

And I'm thinking-what appointments, what short listed options??!!

FiveLittlePigs · 07/03/2019 15:01

Why do you have to be there for the flower girls to try on their dresses? Confused All that's needed is the person who made them or is fitting them to mark any alterations. No need for bride or groom to be there!

I get that it's nice to be able to go but to be honest you'll be about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Especially as you've already had to postpone the fittings - twice!

Unless you actually have made and will be altering the dresses too, of course. Hmm

As pp mentioned, this is the start of how your marriage will be.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/03/2019 15:03

Mine was similar, on the day people congratulated him on the wedding.

Gits.

Littleraindrop15 · 07/03/2019 15:04

My husband didn't really do much of the wedding planning, however, he didn't have any expectations either which meant I could do it how I wanted it. I honestly enjoyed planning and doing the wedding I didn't see it as a chore and some of my girlfriends were involved and I loved every minute of organising all the way to the big day. I did feel bad he had no say but he was quite happy to take a step back and let me run wild (evil chuckle).

So if he doesn't want to be involved in doing things you don't need to cater and pander to his whims it's your day do how you would like it

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/03/2019 15:05

Just tell him 'fine we won't have flower girls then. I told you that you would need to do half of the work and you've done nothing, so I'm going to stop working on it too and if it goes badly, so be it.'

He's not going to change if there are no consequences, lazy people are like toddlers!

amusedbush · 07/03/2019 15:05

We eloped. It was great Grin

Happyspud · 07/03/2019 15:06

He might have wanted a big wedding but couldn’t give a shit about crafts and flowers and flower girls being there. Did you just assume you had to do all those things because you’ve lots of guests? You don’t.

Now if he insisted on those things then he can get involved and quit relying on you doing it. I’d be fuming too.

Wingedharpy · 07/03/2019 15:09

Do you think maybe your idea of "big wedding" and his idea of "big wedding" are the same, or even remotely similar?
Maybe he just envisaged a big party while you have clearly envisaged things with glue guns and flower girls and goodness knows what else.
Time for some honest communication.

Bluntness100 · 07/03/2019 15:14

To be honest op, I think a lot of blokes. Would try to dip out of flower girls trying on dresses. He's likely going to feel like a spare part. Personally I'm guessing this is jist the straw that broke the camels back, but id not chose this particular hill to die on.

HollowTalk · 07/03/2019 15:18

Just say, "Oy, you're the one who wanted the big wedding, so come on and get on with this. And pull back that bottom lip - it's a very unattractive look."

livefornaps · 07/03/2019 15:18

I think he sounds like a douche!

And yes - wake up call - this is what your marriage will be like!

I want a big house - but not to clean it
I want lots of kids - but not to look after them
I want nice holidays - but not to book them,/pack
I want to have friends over - but get nothing ready

I would back out, marry yourself and have a lovely life alone, chilliiiiiiin'

burritofan · 07/03/2019 15:21

Never been married so not initiated into the ways, but why does it involve glue-gunning anything?

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 07/03/2019 15:24

Glue gun wedding favours onto him until he plays nicely.

BeanTownNancy · 07/03/2019 15:26

  1. You're making things more difficult than they need to be. Don't go to a flower girl dress appointment - let their parents take them and just pay for the dresses. Don't do DIY crafts if you don't have the time. Or get some friends over to help you, with wine. If you're not enjoying it, what's the point? Your guests aren't going to care if you lovingly made some paper flowers or whatever.

  2. Present your h2b with a list of his responsibilities. My husband was responsible for inviting, counting and getting RSVPs for his half of the guests, he arranged the groomsmen outfits (and his own), he chose our first dance song, he helped compile the music playlist, etc. It's his wedding too - he should have input.