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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Well I don’t want to...but if I have to I will!” 😡

214 replies

HappyHoll · 07/03/2019 14:16

DP and I are getting married in 10 weeks!

I’ve also been working FT, studying a degree FT and organising this wedding FT, causing serious stress.

He reasons that, coming to appointments with me and helping to pick between 2-3 short listed options (which I narrow down from thousands 😒), means he’s doing loads!

And yes when I talk to others I realise he is better than ‘most’ grooms! However, when he proposed- I spelt out to him that due to my commitments he would need to STEP UP to share the ‘mental load’!

Today recovering from a horrible virus and am supposed to make an hour journey for the flowers girls to try on their dresses!

We’ve already rescheduled twice (because we’re too busy to go), so I can’t reschedule again. We also have no available time to reschedule to!

The girls 6 and 9, keep getting excited and then being let down and the dresses are too much to post. DP is a GP and says I’m no longer an infection threat so that’s not an excuse!

DP messaged at lunch to say he’s taken the afternoon as annual leave after a training session was cancelled.

“Great, would you come with me to do the flower girl dresses so I don’t have to do the whole drive myself, feeling pants?”

DP (bottom lip out)- “well I don’t want to... but if I have to I will.”

Smaked of ‘I don’t want to waste my annual leave on wedding stuff’ - despite almost all my annual leave going on this!

AIBU to be fuming and have stomped off upstairs?
He’s down there watching Netflix...amidst all the wedding crafts I’ve spent the morning glue gunning together!

In general he’s wonderful and caring, and ofc he WILL come with me, but I just hate the reluctance, that Im asking him to spend HIS annual leave doing something for OUR wedding! The audacity I have 🙄

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 07/03/2019 18:02

So you all have had your fiances pick out your flower girls dresses?

We had ring bearers rather than flower girls and yes, he did.

He was also in charge of decorating the venue on the morning of the wedding - we hired someone to help but he did a bloody fantastic job. I don’t think ‘some of us are giving men too much credit’ at all Hmm

downcasteyes · 07/03/2019 18:02

"when I talk to others I realise he is better than ‘most’ grooms"

Your expectations are way low here.

He's a grown man with a responsible job. He's capable of doing this, but he's choosing not to care about outfits and flowers.

And he doesn't get to throw a sulk about spending some of his AL on wedding planning. If he's intending to stand at the altar, he should be doing 50%. He needs to grow the fuck up.

Mintychoc1 · 07/03/2019 18:03

OP I’m a GP and this time of year is horrendous. So maybe he’s completely knackered

downcasteyes · 07/03/2019 18:04

"Sorry to be nit-picking but if the acronym FT means "full time" then how is this even possible? I can see that you could do one of these activities "full-time" but surely, by definition, the others must be part-time?"

FFS, don't be pedantic. A full-time job could take up 35-40 hours a week. It's possible to imagine someone doing 2 hours of academic study a day and getting through the full credit load of a 3-year honours degree programme that way, and an hour of wedding planning on top of that. It would, however, be extremely tiring.

Gina2012 · 07/03/2019 18:04

This is what your marriage will be like

This

Unless you grow a backbone and stop allowing him to rule the roost

RogersVideo · 07/03/2019 18:04

I suggested eloping but DH wanted to do it properly. As such he, with the help of his family, did most of the planning and execution.

Like others have already mentioned, this looks like wifework. Is this going to be a theme for the rest of your life?

PurplePink19 · 07/03/2019 18:05

I don't know any guy that would be excited to spend his afternoon off doing that tbh.

Hanab · 07/03/2019 18:06

OP if it is stressing you both out like this .. nip to the registery office and get it done .. instead of a formal reception have a party✅

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 18:07

I would never marry a man who wanted to come with me to flower girl fittings. nor one who wanted a star wars convention for their wedding

I guess I just like a different type of man!

Maybe one who helps with wedding planning is the one to stay your life with!

Slowknitter · 07/03/2019 18:08

So he wants the big wedding as long as you do all the prep? Will he also want a lovely tidy home as long as you do all the housework? Lovely children as long as you bring them up? Nice food as long as you cook it?

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 18:10

FFS, he doesn't want to go to a flower girl dress fitting! I wouldn't be condemning him yet!

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 18:11

I'd be willing to wager, if he's a doc, she's a nurse/student, he's paying for all this too.
It's your typical coupling. Leave them at it!

Unguent · 07/03/2019 18:12

I don't really understand how you've found yourself in this situation. No one is making you do anything , just stop.If he wants a big wedding he can arrange one.

Exactly. DH wanted a big wedding, I didn't. I told him that all I was prepared to do was show up on the day, and the rest was his baby, because I am way too busy having a life to care about seating plans and bouquets.

KennDodd · 07/03/2019 18:12

I'd just scale back the wedding, its supposed to be fun.

SingaSong12 · 07/03/2019 18:13

PP have mentioned the wider issues of wedding preparation and married life. The only thing I wanted to check is whether he feels uncomfortable going alone with two small girls to a dress fitting. Will he have to decide whether the dresses fit properly or be with them to help them change?

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 18:13

OP, are you paying halves? For this big wedding that he wanted?

Graphista · 07/03/2019 18:13

Will he also want a lovely tidy home as long as you do all the housework? Lovely children as long as you bring them up? Nice food as long as you cook it?

Yep this is a discussion op needs before any wedding happens

As for "gp's work so hard" I'm getting kinda sick of hearing this. As if other people don't work just as hard and certainly in this case op has a hell of a lot more on her plate!

Parker231 · 07/03/2019 18:15

@Doubleorquits - my DH didn’t assign me any tasks. We had a list of everything which needed doing and we split the list between us.

ethelfleda · 07/03/2019 18:16

I'd be willing to wager, if he's a doc, she's a nurse/student, he's paying for all this too.
It's your typical coupling. Leave them at it!

Are you from 70 years ago?

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 18:18

FFS, it's bringing two little girls to pick out dresses! It's hardly Mount Everest! Although, it's a mountain too far for most men I know.
I might be the only one thinking of the little ones, but it's a massive thing to them to be flower girls. They feel so important. This day shopping for them will be huge.
OP is being a bit mean cancelling on them so often. Kids those ages get really excited about this sort of thing. They're not adults, they won't understand being let down.

Sexnotgender · 07/03/2019 18:19

I’m not sure planning a wedding is a full time job.

Doubleorquits · 07/03/2019 18:23

So Parker, did he arrange the flower girl's dresses or did you?

Namelessinseattle · 07/03/2019 18:27

My dh tried to get points by saying but I helped do the band etc to get out of invites. I explained not how it works. Obvs you do the bits you want, I do the bits I want but the crap that’s left (invites) needs to be shared.

Thinking he’s mighty cos he viewed the band and sampled the cake. Who wouldn’t!

CalishataFolkart · 07/03/2019 18:27

psst doubleorquits women can like Star Wars as well as men...

Parker231 · 07/03/2019 18:33

@Doubleorquits - we didn’t have flower girls. Our bridesmaids were my DSis and Sil - one lived in the US and the other in Belgium. They chose their dresses online. Decided on the colour and style between themselves. I saw them the week of the wedding when they arrived in the UK. I trusted their judgement and as they were wearing them, they needed to like them.