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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think you don't leave ten year old home alone for three hours ????

211 replies

HotChocLit · 05/03/2019 22:00

My neighbour works 23 miles away. We live rurally. Last year she left her then 9 year old locked out. Hed had forgotten his house key. I rang her husband. I was a bit worried at the time but put it down to a mistake. It happened again this afternoon. Would you think it unreasonable to report concerns to Children's services?

OP posts:
swingofthings · 06/03/2019 17:27

People like you really annoy me, jumping at critisizing when all they would need to do is help, but much better to make trouble!

He's obviously done for some time and been fine. As it happens to adults too, he has exceptionally forgotten his keys. It happens. It is unfortunate but he won't die from it. Of course, his nice neighbour couldn't invite him in, reassure him that it has happened to them before and not to feel bad, offer a hot drink and something to eat, suggest they do their homework, and when their parents are home, go and knock on the door and suggest they are happy to keep a, spare key.

But no, let's instead threatened to call social services. And then we wonder why people more and more often do everything to avoid their neighbours.

behappy123 · 06/03/2019 17:52

Oh HotChocLit you are getting a terrible bashing here! People seem to be talking more about the key and that you should have a spare one than the child being left at home on his own for 3 hours after school. I suspect the topic is touching a raw nerve with some people and they want to normalise the whole scenario because it fits in with what they do.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 06/03/2019 18:17

I am concerned about the child's welfare actually OP.

I am concerned how much his neighbour seems to know about him and be so obsessed with him.
If anything the mother should be made aware of your over interest in her child.

hopefulhalf · 06/03/2019 18:40

Not only was Ds home alone for 2 hours 1 night a week in yr6, he had Dd (nearly 8) with him too. Not great, but really who is going to take the job of 2 hours babysittting once a week ? They made drinks and had a snack, watched TV. I called them to check they had got in ok, they had neighbours to call on if any problems. We lived.

CleanAndPaidFor · 06/03/2019 18:42

Nope behappy123. You're quite wrong. I don't do that but I would if I had to. I worry that a whole generation of people are bringing up children who are never left to cope. I deal with the fallout of that approach when they get to University. Some of my students are entirely unable to cope without their parents' direction.

behappy123 · 06/03/2019 19:16

CleanAndPaidFor, maybe I am wrong, maybe I am overprotective. Just off to collect DD(23) from the tram stop as I don't want her walking a mile and a half in the dark through a rough area on her way home from work. She has travelled around the world alone so is not a snowflake but there have been several knifepoint muggings in the area....

9 or 10 is too young imo to be going home to an empty house. The child should come first.

Rubusfruticosus · 06/03/2019 19:27

I would leave an 8 or 9 year old for longer than a couple of hours, but at 10 they are coming up to secondary age, and like others have said, it's amazing the difference a year or two makes. My dc has been home alone every day after school since starting secondary, and many whole days in the holidays. We started with staying home alone for an hour or so at 8 and 9.

Rubusfruticosus · 06/03/2019 19:28

*wouldn't leave

NutElla5x · 06/03/2019 19:43

The situation may not be ideal op but unless you have other concerns this really is not a case for social services. I think you are judging the parents harshly. They're not leaving their child alone to go out on the lash,but to go to work and it sounds like they are trying to do their best. Have you thought that maybe they have a high mortgage and/or debt and therefore can't afford childcare. Or maybe the boy refuses it because he doesn't want to babyfied or just feels more comfortable in his own home. You seem to have a lot of time on your hands, (some might say too much) so if you are genuinely concerned for this lad why don't you offer him round for tea or something occasionally-be that nice neighbour who he will then feel he can come to in an emergency. The very least I would have done in your shoes would be to have seized the opportunity when the father was telling his son off for losing the key and offered to keep a spare one at yours. Go on op be a good neighbour,and not just a nosey one.

CleanAndPaidFor · 07/03/2019 06:50

And there's the sanctimony behappy123: " the child should come first". In other words, anyone who doesn't behave as you do doesn't love their children as much as you love yours.

Soontobe60 · 07/03/2019 06:57

Is this right, the boy gets home from school around 4pm but his parents only get home around 7pm? The older sister isn't always home to keep an eye on him?
If you are good neighbours would it be possible to point out to the parents that often he's in his own as the sister isn't there? Also suggest that parents get a key safe fitted so he won't be locked out anymore.
If not, then I would phone SS as he is regularly being left alone. They will contact parents and if nothing else happens it will bring the issue to their attention and may make them think a bit more responsibly about their childcare arrangements.

howwillwedeal · 07/03/2019 06:58

@behappy123 if your child should come first, move somewhere nearer a station? With a lower crime rate? Then your daughter can have freedom?

Your most was the most "look at me, I'm such a wonderful mother, I'm still giving up my time when my daughter is 23"

How would someone who works be able to do what you do? A shift worker that's not available? If you have to go out, or are you a martyr that says no I can't, I have to pick up DD? Do you never go on holiday?

And your daughter is no longer a child, she's an adult and has been for some time.

NutElla5x · 07/03/2019 09:04

Poor boy, my dd is 9 (turning 10 this year) and in no way ready to be left alone in the house. She is unsettled when my husband goes out in the evening and that’s with me, my carer and her big brother in the house

Does your daughter have special needs? If not that is not normal and I'd be more worried about her than about the boy in question to be honest. Why are her anxiety levels so high,do you know?

IAmNotAWitch · 07/03/2019 09:13

My 9 year old has a key and lets himself if need be. We also have a hidden key safe if something happens with keys.

Whole family is on google talk and whoever is home first lets the others know and we communicate with kids if they are home alone this way.

They have keys, phones and the ability to call for help if need be.

All this family need to do is have a hidden spare key.

I was picking up my baby brother from kindy, walking home with him and looking after him for a couple of hours from 8. Kids can handle it, most are babied too much these days.

snoozetastic · 07/03/2019 09:21

A neighbour can pass info to social services it's then up to them whether they think it's worth looking into it or not. Perhaps they may have other info in a bigger picture

You may feel this could get you on the wrong side of the neighbours hence wondering whether there's any point if nothing will come of it

Mookatron · 07/03/2019 09:22

This thread is full of weasel words and fake concern - from those who think it's fine to leave a 10 year old alone. If you think that, that's fine. You don't need to defend your choices by being snidey to people who wouldn't leave their 10 yr old. Surely people can understand that different conventions apply in different places/circumstances. Part of what would stop me doing it is remembering that my sister and I used to be alone in the (remote) house for a couple of hours when we were 12/13 and we used to do all sorts of stupid stuff like cook chips and make toffee. I still have one or two scars Grin. And we were pretty sensible as kids go.

It's not judgemental to wonder if a kid is OK and whether the parents are working or out playing the fruit machines has nothing to do with it - it's about if the kid is OK.

The more measured posts from social workers etc have made me realise that I could and should be letting my 10 yr old do more, but being alone for 3 hours after school every night is inappropriate. And I bet there are no parents who actually do it on this thread, either.

MargoLovebutter · 07/03/2019 09:27

I think it is so sad that someone would report a neighbour to Childrens Services for this.

It sounds like this family is struggling for whatever reasons to cover childcare after school and instead of having a chat to the parents, who OP seems to have been neighbours with for quite a while, she'd call social services instead.

Surely, you pop over and say - "Couldn't help noticing little Bob standing out in the rain the other day and I would have offered for him to come over, but I wasn't sure if that would be ok in this day and age. Do you want me to have a spare key for you? If he gets locked out again, do you want me to offer him the option to come to mine?"

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/03/2019 09:32

I wouldn't give a spare key to any of my neighbours. The child has a key. He's forgotten it. It's not going to kill him to wait twice a year. Hopefully he's gotten a system to ensure he remembers his key. But considering he gets its right 99.9% of the time I'd say he's all good.

Why are the parents struggling? He's old enough to stay home for a few hours. As the house is still standing and he's still alive then all seems alright.

MargoLovebutter · 07/03/2019 09:37

Contraceptionismyfriend - I have no idea why they might be struggling to cover childcare but it sounds like they must be. I don't know them, I can only go on what the OP posted.

If someone had the conversation I outlined above with me, I would be thinking that I needed to sort something better out. So, I might install a keybox, investigate wrap around at the school, see if I could adjust my working hours, see if I could securely attach the key to my son's school bag etc etc etc. I've done pretty much all of those things to ensure that my DC weren't standing outside in the rain after school!!!

Butterymuffin · 07/03/2019 09:42

As the house is still standing and he's still alive then all seems alright

Yeah, cos who would ever want more for their kids and themselves than this? Hmm

Agree completely with Mookatron above.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/03/2019 09:56

But this is all from the OP curtain twitching. The child and the others may both be happy with the arrangement.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 07/03/2019 09:57

He's had to wait outside twice in two years!

Kismetjayn · 07/03/2019 10:22

I just don't understand what some people expect the boy's parents to do. 'its completely unacceptable!'

So... What's the alternative? The school wraparound closed. He's getting too old for many childminders. Nannies are expensive. So what? A parent quits their job to stay home, can't pay the bills and there is no house for the boy to stay alone in?

Not everyone can just go Flexi or change their hours. Try saying that as a receptionist, or a general office dogsbody, or a carer, or a call centre worker, or any other ordinary job.

behappy123 · 07/03/2019 13:46

howwillwedeal the picking up from the tram is only a temporary commitment and I only mentioned it as I thought it was ironic that I was going to pick her up on a dark night when the discussion was about a child of 10 being left alone at home.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 07/03/2019 14:15

I think it’s not ideal, but pretty common. And if the school no longer provide wraparound care then likely plenty of other families are doing the same. I don’t think calling ss (unless of course there are other concerns) is necessary. It would be a nice gesture to offer to hold a spare key though.