Aibu to think you don't leave ten year old home alone for three hours ????

[HotChocLit]

My neighbour works 23 miles away. We live rurally. Last year she left her then 9 year old locked out. Hed had forgotten his house key. I rang her husband. I was a bit worried at the time but put it down to a mistake. It happened again this afternoon. Would you think it unreasonable to report concerns to Children's services?

My DD will be 10 in October and year 5. I think it is way too young to be home alone, poor boy he must feel very lonely and coming home to a cold dark house must be scary. I appreciate we all need to work (I work full time) but who then decides that they don’t get home until 7 and the children fend for themselves! They need to reconsider their domestic situation or seek out after school care.

I'm sure he is a very sweet kid. Doesn't mean his parents can't tell him off!!

OP, why are you wilfully ignoring any questions about whether you'll offer to take a key in for them?

Poor boy, my dd is 9 (turning 10 this year) and in no way ready to be left alone in the house. She is unsettled when my husband goes out in the evening and that’s with me, my carer and her big brother in the house.

I can’t believe the Dads first thought was to be angry that he forgot his key! Clearly this has happened before, surely they could have hidden a key in a rock or organised a key safe for him! I am honestly shocked that a boy that young is left on his own that often and for three hours each time! I bet they have him told not to answer the door or the phone.

I wouldn't leave a 10 year old, home alone for 3 hours , with neither parents that close.

If there was an emergency in the house, or he was scared, who would he call?

I have a 10 year old. He gets left with his 15 year old brother occasionally, but I'd never do it if we were more than 10 mins away. I'd definitely not leave him totally on his own!

Why doesn’t the 9 year old have a key to the house??

My 10 year old loves staying home while I do jobs like supermarket shopping / taking siblings to activities. I was the same.

Once or twice I forgot my key and a nice neighbour invited me in to for a cup of tea. She had no intention of calling social services and happily sent me home she my mum's car pulled up.

I think it's really important we teach children to be a bit independent and responsible.

I have no idea why you think a 10 year old going home every day for a few hours before their parents arrive home, and being worried they would be told of for loosing a house key would be a reason to call social services.

I think you just want to cause the family some trouble.

Those with 8/9 years old saying no way would they leave a 10 year old alone for an hour or so - it’s amazinf the difference that a year or so makes to thier maturity and independence. When DS1 was about about to turn 10, MIL said ‘oh you’ll be able to stay home alone if you don’t want to go shopping when you are 10 (she was staying and he was kicking off about not wanting to go out. 10 was the age she started letting her kids walk to school/stay home alone) and I remember feeling horrified and saying no way he wasn’t ready. Roll on a year when he was 10, almost 11 and we were leaving him alone for a couple of hours.
It’s also a gradual process of preparing them. DS2 is 8 and can’t do a thing by himself. Over the next couple of years we will start by making him prepare his own drinks/snacks, letting him unlock the door when we get home, etc etc
He goes to cubs so they do a lot of things like first aid, fire safety, danger awareness etc which helps to prepare them. Also thankfully as he is my most wild child when he is 10/11 his siblings will be 12/13 and 14/15 so he won’t actually really need to be left totally alone very often. My eldest son and my daughter are both much more sensible and I can trust them to follow the rules.
It is important to set ground rules and to make sure they know what to do in an emergency. I remember when DS1 first started secondary he came home from school let himself in and there was a parcel slip so he went out the door to go round the back to get the parcel and the door slammed shut behind him with his keys inside, luckily I wasn’t too far behind him so he only had to wait 10 min or so, but it was a lesson for him and we discussed what had happened and how to stop it happening again eg going out the back door which isn’t a Yale type lock or taking the keys with him.
There’s other things we put in place such as the front lock can be a little stiff so he also has a back door key which he finds easier, that then led on to a discussion about fire safety and they if he comes in the back foot he must then immediately unlock the inner porch door in the front in case he needs to exit in a fire.
He’s not allowed on the trampoline. He’s not allowed to use the oven or the gas hob. He doesn’t use sharp knives at the moment if we aren’t there, he’s not allowed to let the guinea pigs out, etc etc

There will always be a risk of something going wrong but it’s about reducing the likelihood of things happening,
A lot of kids are so mollycoddled now they are going to uni unable to do anything for themselves at all!! I also read that kids that are given chores and more responsibility for themselves are much more successful in later life!

Offer to keep a key or ask if they'd allow him to come to your house if he's stuck

My child is 10 - no chance would she be sat outside waiting for us - not a chance in hell

This is so subjective and there is no way to tell as an outsider if that child is Ok with it. I know plenty of 9 year olds that are very, very sensible and would be totally fine with this. I know plenty of 13 year olds that have been coddled their whole lives and simply could not cope. It really depends on the child.

This is not a social services issue. Just offer to take a spare key. You don't know what is going on in their lives. Other than the 2 times he was locked out, he might be happy as a clam having some alone and quiet time.

Don't project how you would feel about a situation onto them.

I used to be home from school for a few hours every day before my parents came home. I loved it and would just sit happily watching pokemon and eating cookies. No harm there, taught me to be more independent. DP at that age walked 4 miles home from school in the afternoon by himself and had no issues. A lot of kids are more sensible than we give them credit for. The real issue is when he loses his key, easily solveable by giving a neighbour a key or hiding one. I used to lose / forget to take my key all the time and would end up calling my grandparents from the village phonebooth.

I agree with you OP. The child is their responsibility and if he isn’t responsible enough to not lose a key than they need to make alternative arrangements.

The idea that you aren’t being a good neighbor for picking up their parenting slack is laughable. What has stopped them with making arrangements with the OP?

She is unsettled when my husband goes out in the evening and that’s with me, my carer and her big brother in the house.

that sounds a bit extreme, especially for a 9 year old. If you need a carer, maybe she is worried for you? I honestly don't think most kids even notice if one of their parents goes out.

'It's selfish'

What the actual. They're going to work, they're not going shopping or partying! Maybe if they didn't, he wouldn't have a doorstep to sit on!

Not understanding why you won't answer questions that have repeatedly been asked??

My DD was coming home alone in year 6, most times for only an hour alone but occasionally for 2.5 hours. She was completely ready for it. There were various family members close by (less than 5 minutes walk) if needed, and she had the option of going to them, but she preferred coming home. Good boundaries were in place, and she felt comfortable.

OP has said it's illegal for under 10s to be left alone, that is completely untrue. It's recommended that most children won't be ready until after 12 by NSPCC I believe, which is a ridiculous age- most children by secondary s hook have to be left alone, as there's no holiday childcare for that age group.

The child is their responsibility and if he isn’t responsible enough to not lose a key than they need to make alternative arrangements.

He's forgotten his key once in 12 months. I've forgotten my key in the last 12 months too and I'm 50. Shall I ask dh or my mum to make alternative arrangements for me?

when we were younger i used to go out and play with my friends when i was about 13 and leave my 10 year old sister at home and then would make sure i was back before my mum got home from work. it could be that the parents doent release the sister is leaving him alone so much?

It sounds OK to me. It was quite normal when I was growing up in the 90's.

Don't understand all these shitty replies to the OP. Apparently the boy being stuck outside in the rain for hours is 'none of her business' (cue all the Four Yorkshireman replies about how it never did them any harm) him having no friends is 'none of her business', his parents leaving him alone regularly is 'none of her business' - but hang on, she should offer to keep a spare key and not having done so makes this all her fault, so suddenly it is her business because she's the one to blame, not any of his actual family!

I am unimpressed with people's eagerness to justify whatever the parents do here - even saying 'it's obvious they are doing their best' when there's no way of knowing that - and to minimise any effect on the child with comments like 'No one will starve in three hours'. Is that really the acceptable level we want to set? Look at all the problems with child welfare that have come to light in past years - many because it was always assumed that parents were in the right no matter what. Pretty disappointing to see that being perpetuated in 2019.

It's an offence to leave a child alone if they are at risk of harm. In 2c weather and heavy rain, I would argue as he's no shelter that he's at risk of harm. It's bitterly cold here. I'm not taking their key because they're indifference worries me. What if I held their spare and I'm elsewhere if I could commit consistently I would. I can't. Saw his Dad this am looked rather sheepish.

Mum and Dad know she's leaving/ left him. She's quite independent. He is polar opposite.

He has forgotten his key twice in less than a year. He's just a bit of an average dreaming kid.

I worked 12 hour shifts and still picked up my child. No free pass by virtue of working.

My youngest used to stay at home alone when he was 10 , he was fine