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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think you don't leave ten year old home alone for three hours ????

211 replies

HotChocLit · 05/03/2019 22:00

My neighbour works 23 miles away. We live rurally. Last year she left her then 9 year old locked out. Hed had forgotten his house key. I rang her husband. I was a bit worried at the time but put it down to a mistake. It happened again this afternoon. Would you think it unreasonable to report concerns to Children's services?

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 06/03/2019 14:07

Poor kid
It's not an offence and not imo a safeguarding. It isn't what I would want for my kids as it seems a bit lonely but needs must sometimes.

Offer to have a spare key, see if another neighbour will too. Get the parents contact details. If you see him outside offer him a cup of tea and a biscuit. You know, be neighbourly.

bobstersmum · 06/03/2019 14:09

You sound like you're looking for drama to me. Most neighbours in rural areas muck in and help each other out. Not report to ss. He will be at secondary school in September, he's not a baby.

outpinked · 06/03/2019 14:12

It depends on the child. My 9 year old DS is mature and responsible, I would definitely trust him to stay home alone for that length of time (but wouldn’t personally feel comfortable doing it, I have left him for 40 mins max in the past when he didn’t want to come to the shops for example). I have a childminder when I’m not on mat leave so this isn’t an issue just yet but when they’re all secondary age I will definitely trust them to make their own way home just as I did.

I also did lose my key once and had to sit out on the doorstep in the rain until my DM returned from work. It was pretty shit but I never lost my key again! If you’re so worried about that, suggest that they give you a spare just in case.

Schuyler · 06/03/2019 14:17

You want everyone to tell you to “report” them to social care, so go ahead and do it. It’s a shame to waste their precious time but you are convinced you are in the right. I am a social worker (adults, although did work in children’s services) but even I know that an intrusion can feel very scary and intimidating when you’re only trying your best. Ideally, a child of that age would not be left home alone but this is the world we live in and we accept some aspects of our parenting is not perfect. I am no exception to this.

icannotremember · 06/03/2019 14:19

DS1 certainly couldn't be trusted on his own for more than half an hour at that age (he can barely be trusted now he's on the cusp of 13), but ds2, who will be 10 this month, has been coming home alone from school and letting himself in with around a 90 minute wait until DH gets home, since September. Different dc can handle different things. And we have back up plans for ds2- he has a mobile phone with family numbers in, my brother and SIL live in the next street, ds3's childminder is very close by and is someone he can go to for help (and he has done once, further proving to us that he is sensible and trustworthy), so if for any reason he forgot/ lost his key, or had a worry or problem, there are a range of people he can get quick help from and an easy way for him to contact me or DH.

If you are genuinely concerned then you have to make the call- although like pp I think you're going way OTT and this isn't a social services level issue. I don't understand why you wouldn't offer to have a spare key and make it clear you might not always be there so they need to have a further backup, like another neighbour? Because tbh, your posts are coming across as "I'd rather slate them than help them".

Birdie6 · 06/03/2019 14:21

Why not offer to keep a spare key for them ? Neighbors often do this anyway - I've got several keys for various neighbors in case they forget theirs. This boy needs to know that you have a key, or he needs to make sure he has his own key in his school bag. Mine has his key attached to a chain inside his bag , so he can't lose it.

thedisorganisedmum · 06/03/2019 14:21

the school would certainly want to say something about yr 5 child being left alone for 3 hours every day.

say what? You need to pay for a babysitter for a 10 year old? Seriously?

gamerwidow · 06/03/2019 14:24

It really depends on the child but I don’t think SS are going to be very worried about a 10 year old being on his own for a couple of hours a day especially when there is a 14 year old there at least some of the time too.
If you really want to help why not just offer to hold a spare key in case he forgets his keys again?
He is going to be starting secondary school very soon and most schools will let children go home without parents at 10-11.

ittakes2 · 06/03/2019 14:25

It really depends on the child. My sister saw a programme talking about how children are not as independent these days as previous generations had more independence and she started leaving her son home alone when he was something like 7...and then she taught him how to cook his breakfast so he has been cooking bacon and eggs for himself since 7 too! He is definitely independent!

gamerwidow · 06/03/2019 14:25

Ps our school let’s children go home alone from yr5 with parental consent. They do not check if anyone will be home before they let them go.

tessieandoz · 06/03/2019 14:29

Excuse me if I missed it. I assume / hope that you took him in out of he cold. I don't think I would report it unless there were a few other alarm bells.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 06/03/2019 14:35

It really depends, I'd say. If he has access/recourse to someone older and responsible should he need it, then being on his own for 3 hours is probably okay, depending on the child.

I'd strongly suggest speaking to the parents before you contact ss.

CleanAndPaidFor · 06/03/2019 14:47

Christ alive what a fuss. It's not ideal, but it's OK. And to the PP who said to go ahead and call social services because "it can't do any harm"- really? think about that.
@Shuyler is the voice of reason, and is clearly in a position to know what they're talking about, unlike the hoards of other posters so anxious to signal their own virtue by pointing out the flaws of someone else's parenting.

SausageMashandOnionGravy · 06/03/2019 14:48

I was taking myself home on a public bus at 10. If my older brother was doing an after school club at I'd be home alone for a few hours as my parents worked.

I don't think it'd be something I'd be bothering children's services with. Things are different from when I was a child, but I still think 10 is fine to be home alone for a few hours. I probably wouldn't want to leave a child any younger though.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 06/03/2019 14:50

I'm not taking their key because they're indifference worries me. What if I held their spare and I'm elsewhere if I could commit consistently I would.

I get what you're saying OP, but it's the same for everyone who leaves a key with neighbours - my neighbours could be out when I need the key. It doesn't commit you to being responsible for the child but it would be a kind thing to do. I agree they need to set up a better system for their child, at least spare keys with a couple of people.

At 9/10, my best friend and I used to go off around the village on our bikes for hours by ourselves. If it rained, we found somewhere to shelter...but that was back in the Dark Ages (mid-1980s). Grin

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/03/2019 14:50

Once children get to secondary school there are often no childcare options. Parents on benefits are pushed to work years earlier than this too. The best option is to ask if the parents want you to hold a spare key for them or for you to suggest a key safe to them. He gets older and more mature every day.

Mookatron · 06/03/2019 14:53

say what? You need to pay for a babysitter for a 10 year old? Seriously

For three hours every day? Absolutely. I don't because I organise my life so I don't have to, but I genuinely can't imagine someone round here doing that and no one mentioning it. Personally I reckon my own 10 year old would be fine - except for being shit scared and lonely, but that's not a safety issue. I don't know what I think about the welfare aspect actually - but I don't think the OP was being nosy, a busybody or drama llama to wonder.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 06/03/2019 14:59

I'm not taking their key because they're indifference worries me

Only thing that bothers me is his welfare.

No, hun! The only thing that bothers you is trying to make strangers on the internet think you're a better parent than the neighbour you don't like.

Tavannach · 06/03/2019 15:00

Suggest to your neighbours that they buy a key safe. Something like this

key safe

My DB has one so his DS can let himself in if he comes round unexpectedly.

I also don't understand why you're leaving anyone to sit out in the rain rather than inviting them in.

dreichuplands · 06/03/2019 15:04

Where I live it is illegal to leave a DC home alone under the age of 14, so I would organise a babysitter. My DC are that age and I organise a sitter every time I want to go out without my DC because I have to, so do all the other parents I know.
Having worked as a social worker in the UK I don't think social services will be interested but it isn't great parenting. The family as a minimum need one of those key rocks in the garden.

behappy123 · 06/03/2019 15:07

I don't think this is a matter for social services however to leave a 10 year old to come home from school alone and be home alone for 3 hours is something I would find unacceptable. Ok so it will make him independent but it will be lonely for him, I still try and be home by the time my DS(16) gets home as he usually has something to tell me about school etc which by 7pm he may not be bothered about telling me. I choose my working hours to fit in with DS.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 06/03/2019 15:25

Where I live it is illegal to leave a DC home alone under the age of 14

Now a law like that concerns me slightly, because just four years later, they're adults with all the rights and responsibilities associated with adulthood. I'd prefer to give them more time to gradually introduce independence.

E.g. last summer, my DD (13) walked home at lunchtime from an activity. It was only 3/4 mile through a city neighbourhood (shops, people around), but it was a good way for her to learn how to navigate streets and pay attention when Mum wasn't there to help out. Now I feel comfortable for her to walk to those shops and and go to a coffee shop with a friend, etc. She's also walking the dog around the houses during daylight.

I think small steps towards independence from a younger ages is preferable, that's just my twopence.

SignOnTheWindow · 06/03/2019 15:31

I suppose the issue is that it's happened more than once - it appears that the parents haven't put something in place after it happened the first time.

Sometimes it's the combination of factors that can give you pause for thought.

Maybe if you offered to keep a key for emergencies, you could gauge from the father's reaction whether it's something that might need following up?

thedisorganisedmum · 06/03/2019 15:34

Parents on benefits are pushed to work years earlier than this too.

you might find that parents who are not on benefits are in that situation because they do work in the first place Grin

PeggySuehadababy · 06/03/2019 16:54

So, in a rural area, with difficulty to arrange childcare (by your own admission) and no after school club, what are these people meant to do? Drop their hours or resign so theh can be home 24/24?

Not everyone can be a full time parent or work flexibly OP (or having 12h shifts and doing the school runs, but anyway). If you want to be useful, and have no other commitments, offer to keep a spare key.

And let the poor boy in when it's cold.