Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not was any sex from DH

141 replies

beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 02:47

NC for this.

Have been with DH for about 15 years, married for about 10 years. 2 DC.

He keeps going through phases of growing a beard.

I HATE it. Can't climax in the bedroom because of the big itchy annoying beard rubbing all over me.

He won't shave it because I 'shouldn't be shallow' and he loves it.

Now, if he was ill and had something change appearance wise for reasons beyond his control it would be different.

But I fucking hate his ugly itchy arse beard, and it makes me so mad I'm just refusing to have Sex at all now. He is actually keeping it though. It's now gone on so long I actually wonder if I will have to LTB.

It looks shit too by the way. I haven't found anyone who disagrees with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 02:48

Oops title should say want

OP posts:
Poppylizzyrose · 03/03/2019 02:52

Hmmm wish I had your problems haha

Monty27 · 03/03/2019 02:52

Yuk I'd be the same Shock

Weenurse · 03/03/2019 02:58

Yup, don’t do beards. Beard = no sex.
How would he like it if he couldn’t climax during sex?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 03/03/2019 03:03

Agree, beards are absolutely vile. I cannot wait for this trend to be over.

Original poster
beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 03:06

Can I actually leave my husband, because of a beard? I HATE it, with every fibre of my being.

OP posts:
Time40 · 03/03/2019 03:17

It's not the beard so much, is it, as the fact that he knows you absolutely detest it, but he still insists on keeping it? As you say, if his appearance changed for reasons beyond his control, you wouldn't have this reaction.

In answer to the question, yes, I think you can leave your husband because of a beard. I'd set a divorce in motion. He's probably playing beard chicken, and thinks you will eventually give in and accept it. I bet if you start on a divorce, he will get rid of the beard. Good luck.

P.S. Please come back and tell us what happens! I really want to know.

Monty27 · 03/03/2019 03:21

It might be too late OP. If he's turned you off it might be forever Sad

Original poster
beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 03:35

I've flipped at him before because of it.

DH works hard. But I have a (much more) stressful job too, and take on all the stresses of getting everything for our DC (one of whom has SN, so the stress of fighting for them to get everything they need is incredible).

I just can't take it anymore - I have to literally go insane, lose loads of sleep and lose my shit for him to remove the fucking thing. He then reluctantly does but it slowly creeps back and I'll ask a million times, he won't remove it until I actually threaten divorce.

I'm so fucking done with it. Its 3:30am and I am awake thinking of all the non bearded men who fucked their wives senseless hours ago and then had a nice cuddle and fell asleep together. Where as I want to kick the itchy bearded twat out of the bedroom.

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 03/03/2019 03:43

I feel your pain literally in our house if he wants any he shaves.

WatchToTheEnd · 03/03/2019 03:52

I agree with you and have a similar 'rule' (unless I'm horny and then it's no kissing).

However, if any woman were saying similar - DH withholding affectionate sex until she changed her appearance - I'd feel awful for her and tell her she isn't in a loving relationship.

I guess this is simply toxic femininity at work.

Out of interest, do you tell him your job is "much more stressful"?

Monty27 · 03/03/2019 03:55

Furry faces yuk Shock
A long term dp tried to get me back after he broke my heart. He had grown a beard in the interim. However I said I would see him again sans hairy face. He did shave it off and we went out to try and reconcile. But I couldn't see passed the beard.
To be honest the beard really suited him.

Kneehigim · 03/03/2019 03:58

I abhor them too. Don't know how women put up with them. They make men look ugly too. Have never been with a guy with a beard though. For the simple reason that I just don't find them in any way attractive.

Ifonlybatshadhats · 03/03/2019 03:59

My dh has stubble. I prefer the 'softer' beard. Who wants a scratchy chin on them?! Proper beard all the way for me. Count yourself lucky!

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 03/03/2019 04:01

Read this as a reverse, what if a man was on here posting about how he was insisted the women he loved changed a physical appearance she loved above herself. Would you all answer the same. Or would you be saying she could do better and be with someone who loves her regardless of any appearance? Frankly I think if the beard makes him feel good he should keep it

Ifonlybatshadhats · 03/03/2019 04:03

Justagirlwholovesaboy not sure that's what it's about...

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 03/03/2019 04:06

@Ifonlybatshadhats all I read is that he loves having a beard an op doesn’t like it. What else is there to this?

Original poster
beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 04:07

@Justagirlwholovesaboy I agree, if he loves his beard and wants to keep it, he can.

But I can't help that I'm not attracted to him any more with the beard. And i need intimacy and affection, it's just who I am and what I need. Why should I give up all of that for his beard?

I dyed my hair a few years ago, back to my natural colour as it made my life easier. DH didn't like it. Do ya know what, I listened and dyed it back again. I'm cool with it.

He has the right to do what he wants with his appearance, but it doesn't mean I will automatically still be attracted to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 04:10

@WatchToTheEnd no I never have said my job is more stressful to him. He is a great dad to our kids and works hard. But his job, although tiring, is a low stress job (which he says himself). I don't want to say what I do as it could give me away but it is emotionally draining and the workload is huge.

OP posts:
Original poster
beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 04:13

It's not the beard so much, is it, as the fact that he knows you absolutely detest it, but he still insists on keeping it? As you say, if his appearance changed for reasons beyond his control, you wouldn't have this reaction.

@Time40 you nailed it xx

OP posts:
HopeIsNotAStrategy · 03/03/2019 04:17

People saying he should be able to choose how he looks are massively missing the point.

It's very uncomfortable and makes your skin sore, which is not nice, and that in turn means you can't climax. Double bad.

Grow a beard yourself OP, and see if he likes it.

PregnantSea · 03/03/2019 04:23

Could you compromise? If he thoroughly oils his beard then it wont be so itchy.

Original poster
beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 04:26

@PregnantSea oily beard!? Nope.

OP posts:
WatchToTheEnd · 03/03/2019 04:26

"Grow a beard yourself OP, and see if he likes it."

Or don't shave your legs. If he says he doesn't like it then post on MN and everyone will tell you he's a cunt and abusive.

@beardsturnmeoff

"no I never have said my job is more stressful to him."

That's good. Only to us then.

If his job was more stressful than yours, would he be allowed to keep the beard?

Who earns the most? I think it's commonly accepted that >25% earning capacity over the other gives you full rights to their body and how they look.

beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 04:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.