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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not was any sex from DH

141 replies

beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 02:47

NC for this.

Have been with DH for about 15 years, married for about 10 years. 2 DC.

He keeps going through phases of growing a beard.

I HATE it. Can't climax in the bedroom because of the big itchy annoying beard rubbing all over me.

He won't shave it because I 'shouldn't be shallow' and he loves it.

Now, if he was ill and had something change appearance wise for reasons beyond his control it would be different.

But I fucking hate his ugly itchy arse beard, and it makes me so mad I'm just refusing to have Sex at all now. He is actually keeping it though. It's now gone on so long I actually wonder if I will have to LTB.

It looks shit too by the way. I haven't found anyone who disagrees with me.

OP posts:
andypudding · 03/03/2019 06:26

Kissing someone with a beard is quite uncomfortable. I've had rash on my face from beards before. It's not nice.

If my dh didn't want to go down on me because I had a full bush and he didn't like bush in his mouth I'd hardly be calling him controlling or abusive! You can't force yourself to find things sexually attractive that are uncomfortable or hurt.

StarlightLady · 03/03/2019 06:41

I will stick truely practical in this response. Aesthetics are a seperate shallower issue.

I have been with a number of bearded men over time. Unless he has not past the stubble stage, I don’t see why this creates the climax problem. During oral it should feel soft not scratchy. More tongue, less lips required me thinks.

lyralalala · 03/03/2019 06:41

I get where you are coming from.

My DH has grown a beard a couple of times and I’ve hated it. It scratched my face to ribbons. And the more irritated the skin on my face is the prone I am to cold sores. Once we made the connection he got rid.

If someone’s pubes were actually scratching their partner then that partner would be well within their rights not to put their face there.

It’s the same as I wouldn’t let him near anywhere delicate with raggy finger nails. If you are going to cause discomfort to your partner then you shouldn’t really be surprised when they say no.

EvePolastriBaby · 03/03/2019 06:59

However, if any woman were saying similar - DH withholding affectionate sex until she changed her appearance - I'd feel awful for her and tell her she isn't in a loving relationship.*

Yep, this.

OP- you sound extremely controlling. I feel bad for your DH.
Also, calling a PP a cunt because they disagree with you is so bloody rude.
Maybe your DH is keeping the beard so that you stay away from him.......you sound awful.

MarieG10 · 03/03/2019 07:01

I agree with the posts about double standards....but it is a mums forum so:

My husband grew a beard when it first became a fad again. I hate them for all the reasons given especially the feel. Completely turned me off as well. I pointed out his double standards in that he doesn't like me being hairy (apart from my head that is) so what's good for the gander is good for the goose. Bikini waxing to be cancelled and replaced by massage during my beauty appointments. He soon got the message and beard was gone.

Teaandcrisps · 03/03/2019 07:01

You hate it, it's makes sex a problem and he keeps growing it back. OP i feel your pain and how much it's driving you round the bend and back.

Fact is some women do find beards an absolute ruddy turn off. You've told him to get rid of it, but he keeps growing it back - that's a WIND UP.

Agree that its no sex until it's off, but it's an issue that he's not listening and keeps doing it.

Groovee · 03/03/2019 07:02

The thing I picked up was that you dyed your hair and he didn't like it and told you to revert back to the previous colour. But he doesn't listen to you over his facial hair.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/03/2019 07:08

Her body, her choice.
Oh wait, it's a man, not his choice.
There are tons of threads where someone posts their DH doesn't like them having e.g. short hair and wants them to grow it and the response is usually LTB.
I hate beards too, but it's not really causing you all that much physical discomfort is it?

Purplelion · 03/03/2019 07:09

Unless you knew your arm hair/leg hair/pubes/head hair how your DH likes them to look/feel then YABVU. As previously said, as long as he looks after a beard and oils it etc it won’t be scratchy and horrible.

Teateaandmoretea · 03/03/2019 07:15

Team DH sorry. If a man was disgusted with his wife’s body hair I’d tell him to suck it up.

Bollocks. Ultimately we can all male or female married or not decide whether we want to have sex with someone. That is our right and bodily autonomy and being married does not take that away. The other person's right/ autonomy is to do what they want to their body but this may also have consequences re the first point.

OP beards make me feel sick, no man with a beard would ever kiss me let alone anything else.

Fiveredbricks · 03/03/2019 07:15

OP you do get it that you sound like a controlling arse, right? I agree with PP that if this were reversed you'd be controlling and emotionally abusing your spouse. I think you need to understand that you can dislike the beard and refuse sex if you want but generally the issue is with you and for you to overcome?? If he likes his beard he should get to keep it and grow it if he wants. You're not his bloody mother and he isn't a child. You don't get to decide if he has it or not or "blow up" at him because of it. Your behaviour sounds absolutely pathetic in that context.

TemporaryPermanent · 03/03/2019 07:17

I loved dh's beard, which he didn't have when I met him, but he went through a mercifully few months of growing it long and straggly and unkempt. That I found unbearably horrible and unsexy. I didn't know what to do about it except turning out the lights when we shagged, but I would see the faint shadow of this long haystack above me and feel dead inside.

I never found an answer. His body, his choice, that's an absolute. Reverse cowgirl?

Tillygetsit · 03/03/2019 07:29

I refused to have sex with my OH until he grew his beard back. He looked like a 14 year old girl.

greendale17 · 03/03/2019 07:32

However, if any woman were saying similar - DH withholding affectionate sex until she changed her appearance - I'd feel awful for her and tell her she isn't in a loving relationship.

^I agree

PeanuttyButter · 03/03/2019 07:33

I won't lie my husband looks great with a beard..better than without. He has his beard before it was fashionable again so 10+ years. He has grown it longer now though.
He looks better with it but like OP it drives me mad during sex and often end up with a mouthful! He wouldn't be happy if he went down on me and he ended up with a mouthful of hair!!
I think you should recognise he has the right to grow a beard and so do you (downstairs) Wink see what his thoughts are then.

Also just to add, my husband was eating his Sunday lunch last week and when he moved his head slightly towards his fork it his beard was bobbing in.and out of his gravy on his plate Envy (not envy)

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/03/2019 07:34

The pubes analogy fits perfectly
I’d agree with this statement were op upset purely about aesthetics. However she also finds the bloody thing itchy and uncomfortable.

My fil has grown a beard and just kissing him on the cheek hello / goodbye makes me want to recoil. Women’s skin is naturally a lot thinner and more sensitive than men’s.

Clearly he doesn’t care about your discomfort beard. No YANBU.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 03/03/2019 07:35

My friend would only have sex from behind with her dh for this reason,He soon shaved it off

NabooThatsWho · 03/03/2019 07:38

It’s the fact that it causes OP discomfort that is the issue.

TheNavigator · 03/03/2019 07:39

Up to you OP, if it is a deal breaker it is a deal breaker. People are entitled to end their marriage and anyway I don't think yours is going to make the long haul, even if he shaves. It is better for the children to split when they are younger, studies show secondary school age is the worst age for children to have parents split up. You both need to look for your happiness elsewhere, it sounds like to me.

Teateaandmoretea · 03/03/2019 07:41

It isn't about with holding sex it is about not wanting to have sex. Are you saying that men and women should have to have sex when they don't actually want to? What about if your partner stopped washing? Confused

Tryingtoholdittogether · 03/03/2019 07:42

I like the look of stubble/beard. But it is itchy and horrible.

crunchie12 · 03/03/2019 07:47

Dye your hair back Grin

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 03/03/2019 07:51

Hate them too...
I’m good with stubble but beards are 🤢 luckily DP don’t like it either so no issues on that front 😂😂

RosieEffect · 03/03/2019 07:58

OP isn't withholding affection sex to get him to change, she has wirhdrawn consent as she doesn't want to have sex with him like this. There is nothing wrong with that. Why should OP have to close her eyes or reverse cowgirl during sex? If she doesn't want it, she doesn't have to have it. Likewise, it's her DH's decision to keep or get rid of the beard.

If OP's DH doesn't want to get rid then they have to decide to be a couple who doesn't have sex, or to split.

And if my DH is extremely turned off by something about me physically (arm pit hair, different hair dye, etc) then I would at least seriously consider changing it. Sometimes I have, sometimes I haven't.

ShrinkWrap · 03/03/2019 08:00

OP I think you have been pretty balanced and accept both sides of the argument. You can’t help the way you feel, but recognise that he has autonomy over his own body / appearance. I imagine you wouldn’t have called the PP a cunt if they hadn’t already used that word themselves, and you were right to call them out on their aggressive tone

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