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Original poster

To not was any sex from DH

141 replies

beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 02:47

NC for this.

Have been with DH for about 15 years, married for about 10 years. 2 DC.

He keeps going through phases of growing a beard.

I HATE it. Can't climax in the bedroom because of the big itchy annoying beard rubbing all over me.

He won't shave it because I 'shouldn't be shallow' and he loves it.

Now, if he was ill and had something change appearance wise for reasons beyond his control it would be different.

But I fucking hate his ugly itchy arse beard, and it makes me so mad I'm just refusing to have Sex at all now. He is actually keeping it though. It's now gone on so long I actually wonder if I will have to LTB.

It looks shit too by the way. I haven't found anyone who disagrees with me.

OP posts:
Oakenbeach · 03/03/2019 08:05

There’s nothing wrong in partners of either sex expressing preferences regarding their other half’s body hair. I’d argue it’s not a very loving relationship where you insist on your own body hair preferences, totally disregarding your partners preferences.

A couple should try and compromise with each other on this... a person may have the right to “my body, my choice”, but that individualistic attitude isn’t going to do their relationship any good.

grasspigeons · 03/03/2019 08:07

I find stubble itchier than a well conditioned beard and stubble has actually left 'burn' marks on me in a way that a lovely bead hasn't. Maybe get him to have it nicely trimmed at the barbers and get some lovely products on it.

TatianaLarina · 03/03/2019 08:15

DH works hard. But I have a (much more) stressful job too, and take on all the stresses of getting everything for our DC (one of whom has SN, so the stress of fighting for them to get everything they need is incredible).

OP when you say ‘taking on all the stresses of getting everything for our DC (one of whom has special needs)’, what do you mean exactly?

Are you responsible for the children - all the clothes, food, special requirements etc?

Does he pull his weight with the kids? Does he do half the domestic chores?

Elllllle · 03/03/2019 08:17

There are some super controlling people on this thread. Glad my dh doesnt care less about my body hair and in reverse I could not care less about his (he has been clean shaven, stubbly, full beard, just a moustache, just a goatee.....etc etc). The pp who said that if it's chafing, he's not doing it right, is on the money.

Elllllle · 03/03/2019 08:19

@TatianaLarina yes to all of that. Sounds like there are greater issues than a beard

YoYoNoMore · 03/03/2019 08:21

OP there are ways to avoid a beard. You say you would accept a change if it was out of his control. So is the real issue here about him choosing a beard rather than the beard itself? His body, his rules. Works both ways.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 03/03/2019 08:22

I can hand on heart say I have never noticed DH’s beard when kissing/during sex 😄 I agree stubble would be annoying, but he’s had a full on beard for years now and it’s not scratchy or anything. B U T I agree that if you really hate it he should do something about it - you’re the one who has to look at him/be irritated by the hair. DH did actually shave his head after coaxing by me because I didn’t like his bald patch (nor did he, but he obviously couldn’t see it). So now he HAS to keep the beard otherwise he’d look like a bald egg!

ILoveBray · 03/03/2019 08:29

I think I'm in the minority, I love my husband with a beard.

On the flip side, I went through a few years of cutting my hair short because it was easier to deal with. My husband hated it and encouraged me to grow it as he was less attracted to me when I had short hair. I said no. He got over it and didn't with hold affection or divorce me over it.

I'm imagining the replies I would have got on here if I had posted back then......

Mumsnet seems to have double standards.

Original poster
beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 08:36

Thank you for all the replies.

Sorry for calling a op a cunt. Can I blame it on 3:30am beard anger.

I can't reverse cowboy etc. My bad, after have our DC I'm now limited to some pretty boring positions. To be fair, we've always done these anyway - DH likes to take control in the bedroom and I like it like that.

I know on the surface it makes me sound controlling. But honestly, i think we both are guilty of this. The difference is I LISTEN when he's upset about something and factor in his feelings - I really do. And then I decide.

I myself hate pubic hair (on myself). I am always kept neat and tidy with all body hair. I tried leaving pubes to see if it annoyed him but we aren't having sex anyway (beard), so I was just left feeling hairy and disgusting in a sex less marriage.

The beard is awful and makes him look homeless. I could honestly live with that, the problem is I hate how it feels. I hate kissing him at all. Sex just feels awful.

He didn't have any facial hair at all when I met him. The beard really is awful, he ihas think think beard hair (he isn't 100% Caucasian, again I don't want to say what race) which I think gives the hair even more oomf.

He is a good husband and looks after our DC joint with me. But having a child with SN, there is so so much paper work and appointments to book. People to chase etc. It's impossible to explain how emotional and hard work this is. I'm already feeling broken and can't have a good shag on top of that...

I think I really do have to leave him over a beard. As many of you say - it's my issue for hating it so much but I can't get over that.

OP posts:
Mysterycat23 · 03/03/2019 08:37

He's causing you physical discomfort and refuses to take action?

What an utter dickhead.

All the PP moaning about appearance/controlling have missed the point spectactularly..

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 03/03/2019 08:37

If your dh would rather have a beard than have sexy with you, I think you've got bigger problems than the beard tbh.

Original poster
beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 08:42

@LeekMunchingSheepShagger so right!!!

OP posts:
WatchToTheEnd · 03/03/2019 08:44

@Mysterycat23

No he isn't. The OP is abusive and controlling and he hasn't been accused of rape.

Unless he's having sex with her against her will then your point makes no difference.

This thread's a classic. Misogynists will enjoy quoting the double standards.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 03/03/2019 08:49

A woman’s haircut doesn’t cause a man physical discomfort....
Neither does does failing to wax/shave bikini, legs and armpits.

Woman have more sensitive skin. Incorrectly maintained stubble /beards hurt.

It’s not about aesthetics it’s about physical pain...

My ex insisted on a beard despite the fact it actually made me gag (as in it was literally gag, it was a physical response I had no control over). I had no opinion about his beard/stubble until this point but, given it was making his gag, I asked him to go back to how he he been for the last three years. He refused as “it made him happy”. It became a real issue, I hated intimacy because of it.
Ultimately he kept it because he didn’t give a fuck about my feelings or that I was in physical painful (despite the gagging I persevered - god knows why... I got burns/rashes and had to see a doctor because he grazed my bloody eye!).

we broke up eventually because it was part of a larger pattern where he just didn’t give a flying fuck about me.
he was happy for things to seriously negatively impact me than be put out even marginally himself.
Ie he’d watch me struggle with the shopping and not help because “his show was on”. He’d let me walk in the rain at night (dodgy part of London) rather than pick me up because “it was cold”.

My DP has a beard when I met him - I explained the situation early doors and he said he didn’t care and he’d happily shave - he actually kept his beard but it’s short he oils it and trims it regularly - if I turned around tomorrow and told him it was a turn off /painful for me/ making me gag (for whatever reason) it would be gone within an hour.

I am may be projecting massively a bit but I’d say there is more to this than just a beard...

YoYoNoMore · 03/03/2019 08:53

So you’d be able to cope with all the stress in your life if only he’d get rid of his beard. You’re playing games with your body hair to punish him for his decision to grow a beard. The beard is causing you to have a sexless marriage.

It’s not about the beard.

laundryelf · 03/03/2019 08:54

I had a similar experience, my DH looked lovely with his beard but it was so irritating to my skin, couldn't even have a good kissing session. I didn't want to control his decisions about his body so for over a year he tried beard oil, having it trimmed at barber's which only helped a bit. It became so sore on my skin that I avoided contact. I really missed kissing him but we had tried everything. DH shaved it off as a surprise and it's brilliant!
I feel slightly guilty as he liked his beard and looks great with it and I think colleagues and friends preferred the bearded look but he doesn't kiss them! The person who invents a beard softening product that actually works will make a fortune!

Lovemusic33 · 03/03/2019 08:54

Am I the only woman that actually loves facial hair? I’m dating someone with a beard and I love the feel of it, I tell him not to trim it or shave it (unless it really needs a trim, neatly trimmed is ok), it’s soft and it tickles.

If someone told me to cut my hair as it was getting in the way I would tell them to fuck off tbh.

Maybe you need to try reverse psychology and make out you really love it, then he might shave it off?

trancepants · 03/03/2019 09:03

I don’t see why this creates the climax problem. During oral it should feel soft not scratchy.

I've kissed a few men with beards in the past and I've absolutely never gotten past kissing. I hate it, it makes my skin crawl. The kissing just feels really, really wrong and my brain is desperate to get away. I don't love the discomfort of a stubbly kiss but it doesn't set off a screaming instinct to get away in my brain. Kissing a man with a full beard does. I hate it.

Ellabella989 · 03/03/2019 09:06

My DP sometimes has stubble and it looks really sexy on him but it bloody hurts when we kiss/have sex. All around my mouth will be red and sore after a kissing session so he now makes more effort to be clean shaven more often.
Your DP needs to either look after his beard properly and make sure it’s soft or he needs to get rid of it if it’s causing you discomfort during intimacy

BlueSkiesLies · 03/03/2019 09:11

Is your pubic hair well maintained so your other half is satisfied with its appearance? Would be you shamed and change it if not? or maybe your eyebrows if he objected?

I wouldn’t be ‘shamed’ but if DP preferred a certain look or feel I would endeavour to maintain my pubic hair in that way.

Piglet89 · 03/03/2019 09:12

OP. Have you seen the film (and important feminist treatise) “Mean Girls”? In it, the awesome Tina Fey’s character tells the girls that they have “...got to stop calling each other bitches and whores...it’s just BAD FOR BUSINESS”.

I am with @handsoffmysweets and Tina Fey, here. Seriously - don’t say someone sounds like a cunt for expressing an opinion; it endears you to nobody.

BreakingCakes · 03/03/2019 09:13

I hate beards. It's part of our marriage rules, no beards for either of us Grin

Original poster
beardsturnmeoff · 03/03/2019 09:20

I'm going to leave the thread now. Thanks to all who replied so far though.

I might pop back if there are any major updates as some of you have asked.

OP posts:
Fresta · 03/03/2019 09:26

I find it physically impossible to kiss my DH when he has a beard- as soon as our lips meet the hair goes straight up my right nostril, it hurts so much I have to pull away. No way can I snog him, and if I can'r kiss then nothing else happens in the process so we don't have sex!

Mine finally gave in after over a year and shaved the bugger off!

Ididalwayswonder · 03/03/2019 09:36

OP, my son has a beard. At the best of times, it looks a mess. He says so himself Grin He's v handsome though, so can get away with it. It does look unkempt though.

I think it's just got to the stage where he cannot be bothered to maintain it, but equally, doesn't want to shave it off.

He is not Caucasian, either
And his hair is v course and curly.

OP, could you not ask him to trim it and get him to put some beard oil on it?

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