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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let daughter attend?

286 replies

Mypoorboobs · 02/03/2019 11:54

Daughter has an event this evening, she’s been so naughty I told her she was on her last chance or wouldn’t be going.

She then pushed the baby over backwards and laughed so I said that was it and she’s not going.

DP got home and said she can go as she’s been looking forward to it and we’ve already paid for it. I’ve said no, her behaviour is never going to improve if she doesn’t understand her actions have consequences. Who is right?

She’s 4 and not attending wouldnt be letting anyone down. We were planning to get some things that desperately need doing done while she was gone. (She’s a huge handful and can’t do anything with her here)

WWYD?

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 02/03/2019 11:56

You are right, if you use the threat you have to follow through I think. Did your dh say she can go in front of her?

frozenbanana · 02/03/2019 11:56

What's the event?

SnuggyBuggy · 02/03/2019 11:56

I'd follow this one through

Cheetahssitonfajitas · 02/03/2019 11:57

I'd let her go. You were a bit wrong to threaten that consequence to a 4 year old. Her pushing her sister and the event tonight are too far apart for a 4 year old to link and therefore ineffective. It would have been better to have done something more immediate or related to the mis-deed - sit in her room for 5 minutes, talk to her about why her behaviour makes you feel cross, ask her to apologise to her sister etc.

Rubadublin · 02/03/2019 11:58

I’d let her go. At 4, not many children will be able to join up their behaviour with something happening later i they say, especially if the push was an impulse thing.

HardofCleaning · 02/03/2019 12:01

I think you should have imposed an immediate consequence she won't connect not going to the event with pushing her sister. You do need to help her with impulse control but I don't think this is the way. Maybe you and her dad need to sit down and agree between you a strategy and stick with it lsoyou're not randomly making up consequences then undermining each other.

Seeline · 02/03/2019 12:01

I agree - let her go. Consequences need to be immediate at that age.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 02/03/2019 12:04

YADDDNBU

How dare your dh undermine you. You must follow through if you don’t your dd will go arround thinking she can do what she wants with no consequences.

PickledLimes · 02/03/2019 12:05

YABU. She's 4 which is still very young. They aren't exactly known for their impulse control. Of course there has to be a consequence but at this age it should be immediate.

Boyskeepswinging · 02/03/2019 12:06

Consequences need to be immediate at that age
At what age can they not be immediate? At what age do you think this would be an appropriate consequence?

JollyAndBright · 02/03/2019 12:07

Definitely follow through and do not take her to the event.
With some children the only way to teach them that actions have consequences is to do this.

I would be having a stern word with DH for undermining you too.

combatbarbie · 02/03/2019 12:08

I'm with you OP, she's old enough to understand she was going somewhere, she understands that hurting people is not nice there for she will now learn actions have consequences.

Original poster
Mypoorboobs · 02/03/2019 12:08

I can’t seem to get anything right Sad
Normal immediate punishments don’t seem to be working with her so I thought saying no to something she was excited about would work. I didn’t even consider that she may be too young to connect the two. DP said it to me not to her but he may have said it to her since, I feel defeated by her so have gone upstairs and left them too it.
Thank you for your replies

OP posts:
Cheetahssitonfajitas · 02/03/2019 12:10

It's tricky OP. You have my sympathy. Have you read any Janet Lansbury? She deals with the topic of discipline very sensibly and explains what works for different ages. "How to talk so kids will listen" is also good.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/03/2019 12:10

If you threaten you need to follow through. That's why you should really considers what happens if you have to follow on it,if it's too harsh or ridiculous etc first.
If you don't then kids learn there's no bite to go with your bark,or worse it breeds resentment when you randomly do follow through especially if it's a big thing.

AgentJohnson · 02/03/2019 12:11

At this age, the punishment needs to be immediate. Developmentally, she just isn’t ready.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 02/03/2019 12:12

Chance to redeem the treat is my go to method.
Grounding dc is a punishment to self ime.

Chores on the other hand...
Maybe because your dd upset the baby she could do something nice for her to make amends?

HardofCleaning · 02/03/2019 12:12

Awwww OP don't worry. You sound a bit worn out. I doubt it's that the immediate consequences"aren't working" it's just your little girl is 4, she's bound to play up and have impulse control issues. Some kids are more head-strong challenging than others (head strong kids also tend to be more resistant to peer pressure as teenagers so at least there's a distant upside!). Keep going and remember lots of positivity and praise when she's doing things well (this is something we all often forget because when things are going well it's quiet and we don't think to comment).

Drogosnextwife · 02/03/2019 12:12

Consequences need to be immediate at that age

Rubbish, OP at 4 she is perfectly capable of understanding what that punishment is for. If she doesn't then you remind her later. "No you can't go to your even tonight because you did ..... This morning"

Sirzy · 02/03/2019 12:14

Have you tried looking at the behaviour from the other side? You say she is a bit of a handful anyway so long term I would try to look at why she is behaving like this? (Still punish but immediate)

You mention a baby has the behaviour come on since you where pregnant/baby was born?

Sirzy · 02/03/2019 12:15

Also I would give her a chance to earn it back for tonight because the last thing you want to do is punish yourself with the punishment!

Cheetahssitonfajitas · 02/03/2019 12:17

There's no harm in admitting you were wrong and switching the punishment, then trying hard to make punishments more immediate/appropriate in future. Kids also need to know parents are fallible too and make mistakes. You can say "I'm sorry, I was wrong to threaten that you couldn't go tonight but you made me feel really frustrated when you wouldn't listen and that made me feel cross. How about you apologise to your sister now and we'll work really hard on good listening for the rest of the day. If you don't then the consequence will be xyz" (if she throws a toy, she loses the toy, if she makes a mess, she cleans it up etc) We all say and do things we regret in the heat of the moment, sometimes adults lack impulse control too. I think the punishment would have been more appropriate for a 7 year old and with that age I would follow through.

Merryoldgoat · 02/03/2019 12:18

In what way is she a handful?

You sound a bit done in and I really do understand - I have felt like this before. It’s hard.

Seeline · 02/03/2019 12:19

I would also look into rewarding good behaviour. A star chart or pebble jar for example. Reward every time she does what she is told, along with stars for good behaviour all day (is not hurting the baby etc). Maybe have a picture chart to show what things she needs to do each day - choose some things she already does, but mix in a few that cause problems, whether that be putting shoes on when told, tidying toys or something else.

QueenofmyPrinces · 02/03/2019 12:19

I’m with you OP.

Of course 4 year olds know that negative consequences are still the consequences of their earlier misbehaviours!

You’re right to not let her go.