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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let daughter attend?

286 replies

Mypoorboobs · 02/03/2019 11:54

Daughter has an event this evening, she’s been so naughty I told her she was on her last chance or wouldn’t be going.

She then pushed the baby over backwards and laughed so I said that was it and she’s not going.

DP got home and said she can go as she’s been looking forward to it and we’ve already paid for it. I’ve said no, her behaviour is never going to improve if she doesn’t understand her actions have consequences. Who is right?

She’s 4 and not attending wouldnt be letting anyone down. We were planning to get some things that desperately need doing done while she was gone. (She’s a huge handful and can’t do anything with her here)

WWYD?

OP posts:
Boobiliboobiliboo · 02/03/2019 21:04

It did for me

Ah. Then it will definitely work for everyone. What with all humans being exactly the same and everything. Hmm

blackteasplease · 02/03/2019 22:29

Yes earning it back is a good one imo.

janetforpresident · 02/03/2019 22:30

OP did she go in the end?

mummymeister · 02/03/2019 22:36

Boobili - I used a range of strategies with my children. I didn't read text books on psychology I used common sense. different strategies did work with different children. and I tried each one until I found which one worked. but of course these have to change with age. its no good putting a 15 year old on a naughty step is it?

Parents have to trust their instincts with their children. What strategies did you use with your children? You have posted several times about what doesn't work so what did you find worked with yours?

janetforpresident · 02/03/2019 22:40

Not sure why everyone is picking on Boobiliboobiliboo she has made some good points.

mummymeister · 02/03/2019 22:41

Janet, I'm not picking on her. I was just asking what strategies she used on her own kids or were her comments based on research evidence as opposed to personal experience. Not an unreasonable thing to ask surely?

gingerbiscuits · 02/03/2019 22:49

Hell no, don't let her go! 4 is plenty old enough to understand consequences for her actions! You need to follow through or she'll learn that she can just disregard what you say, as nothing happens. Having said that, I'd be careful in future about what you use as a consequence. Only ever use things that you're 100% able to stick to - never make empty threats or tell her silly things like Santa won't come or she won't go on holiday etc. My friend does this & her kids run rings round her!

TriciaH87 · 02/03/2019 22:51

How old is the baby? Is she jealous as the baby is taking up your time and the only way she knows to get attention is act out? I ask as 3 and half years between my 2 boys and had similar when younger as he noticed i paid more attention when naughty to tell him off as dealing with a baby with colic took priority if he was playing nicely. Then as soon as i started doing something he acted out. Use time out and explaining its wrong you will get a better response than something hours later.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/03/2019 22:53

@Boobiliboobiliboo it's one thing to say it doesn't work for everyone(nothing ever does). But what you said was "lazy and ineffective ".

WineIsMyMainVice · 02/03/2019 23:00

One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given about parenting (though I have to remind myself often!) is never threaten something you’ve not thought through or aren’t prepared to follow through on.
It sounds like in your case you were prepared to follow it through, but maybe hadn’t really considered it....
it’s so hard isn’t it? Especially when they are driving you up the wall! Or pushing the boundaries.
Tomorrow is another day.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 02/03/2019 23:26

*But what you said was "lazy and ineffective”.

And I gave an explanation of what I meant by that. Confused

ThinkIveFoundYourMarbles · 02/03/2019 23:30

Not sure why everyone is picking on Boobiliboobiliboo she has made some good points.

As far as I can see, all she has done is criticise some of the fairly standard approaches suggested. I'd love to know what positive and practical suggestions Boobiliboobiliboo has for the OP?

Boobiliboobiliboo · 02/03/2019 23:33

What strategies did you use with your children? You have posted several times about what doesn't work so what did you find worked with yours?

Well, I started by eliminating potential sibling jealousy by stopping at one child.....

It’s not instinctive to implement the strategies of television/book-based (childless) nannies. Without exception they encourage not following maternal/parental instinct.

Other techniques have come from respectful parenting authors like Elizabeth Pantley and Janet Lansbury 🙌🏼 coupled with my own study and research of psychological understanding. I’ve then been able to follow my instincts by pausing to consider the potential impact of different options. Do I always get it right? No. Of course not. But I am preparing DD for a world that needs kindness and understanding more than ever, and she won’t be able to be that if I’m threatening and punishing mindlessly.

janetforpresident · 02/03/2019 23:40

I have just had a quick scan of the responses to this thread looking for boobiliboobiliboo's input to see why it's so offensive and I came across this from another poster

You don’t always have to punish kids to get them to learn a lesson

This sums it up for me. Presumably the Op's aim is to eliminate dd's unkind behaviour towards her sibling. Presumably dd is unkind to her sibling for a reason (most likely jealousy/rivalry)
It follows that helping her dd to recognise her own emotions, deal with them and move on to be happier about her sibling and build a relationship and also to be secure about her parents'love are the most important things not endless punishments.

There's plenty of research to suggest that random unrelated sanctions are pointless even if they achieve the seemingly desired affect as they only do this at face value (e.g.child stops hitting sibling but still resents them)

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 08:08

Ah I see Boobiliboobiliboo has had one child and read a few books and thinks they are some sort of child psychologist and has parenting nailed 😂.

I did not say that the same parenting methods work for everyone, not sure where you got that.

Now I'm wondering how old your child is Boobiliboobiliboo.

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 08:10

I'm sure your dad will grow up to be a perfect adult. Keep up the good work 👍

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 08:11

DD

SoupDragon · 03/03/2019 08:15

I was the perfect parent when I had just DS1. I realised it was mostly down to luck and not my wonderful parenting skills when DS2 came along.

They are both well rounded adults now so I guess I did actually fulfill my job requirements though.

A lot of parenting is down to luck - your child won't have read the parenting books and they are not all the same. My 3 have all needed different parenting techniques over the years. Thankfully I had my easy one first so at least I had a vague idea what I was doing and know I could actually look after a child by the time the tricky ones came along. I imagine it's tough if you get the "spirited" one first.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 08:51

Now I'm wondering how old your child is Boobiliboobiliboo.

She’s 8. Not sure what that means for my parenting CV but I’m sure you’ll tell me.

read a few books and thinks they are some sort of child psychologist

I have a First in Psychology (including quite a lot of child psychology, as it happens). Hmm

Drogosnextwife · 03/03/2019 11:30

And? You only have personal experience of having one child, yes?

Funny you never mentioned your degree before, just "your own study". Sounded more like you had just read a few books and now declare yourself an expert on parenting.

Do you have any experience of working with children, other than your own child? I'm sure you do, or at least say you do.

Excited101 · 03/03/2019 11:34

She can absolutely connect the two! You did the right thing, and you need to follow that through- ‘all the mummy and daddy got it wrong’ chat is meaningless garble, the child just knows they got to do their ‘thing’ that they wanted to do, and the behaviour goes accepted again.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 03/03/2019 11:36

No. I work with grown adults who often behave like children though.

Is there anything I can help you with, dear?

(Child based CV:

  1. Was one
  2. Was given a sibling I didn’t ask for aged 3
  3. Grew up as the “good girl”, became the “scapegoat”
  4. Very tense relationship with sibling and mother, resulting in several years NC
  5. Studied psychology degree including child psychology. Made sense of childhood and impact of parenting style
  6. Successful adult life. Built career.
  7. Had child. Became parent.
  8. Navigated parenting challenges using formal study, informal research and observations of many other children in my life.)
Confusedbeetle · 03/03/2019 11:39

You have made yourself a problem. Yes, she needs to learn consequences of her actions and yes you should never make threats and not carry them through. BUT she is 4. She cannot forward plan. Any punishment for bad behaviour should be within seconds of the act, not later. Stuff like pushing the baby over need to be managed and like hitting biting, anticipated and sharply corrected, prevention, hard work but you have to be vigilant until she learns. There are two things that don't work with toddlers, one is a threat, the other is smacking

Confusedbeetle · 03/03/2019 11:41

This thread is classic MN

Fishwifecalling · 03/03/2019 11:41

There seems to be a lot of babying and low expectations of 4 year olds on this thread.

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